He just broke up with you. So really, he's not that great a guy, unless you are just an awful person, which we don't think you are. Or you broke it off with him, so he can't be that great or you would still be together. It's the paradox of a break-up. There seems to be a need to say nice things about the person who just broke your heart, and we get that. You don't want to seem bitter, and you don't want to tell the world that the guy you gave your heart and a large part of your time to is an asshole. Your pride doesn't need the additional blow of having your friends and family think you're a loser for being with him in the first place. It's okay if you don't want to be seem petty or knock down someone you once cared about.

HOWEVER, we must warn you that there are two conditions that afflict many refugees of recent breakups. First is what we call Revisionist Romance Disorder. RRD, like an acute case of 20/20 Blindsight, creates an inability to see the past as it actually happened. Additionally, those who suffer from Revisionist Romance Disorder cannot control the need to rewrite their relationship to match the feelings they want to have about it. With RRD, an incessant cheater becomes "a really good guy" who was just scared of getting too close. The drunk that forgot your birthday becomes "the one that got away." It's an easily identifiable disease, but like all afflictions, the first step to overcoming it is to admit you have a problem. And your problem is that if you truly want to move on, you need to stop rewriting the past and see your relationship for what it was: the good and the bad, the ups and downs, the baffling, the maddening, and the ridiculous.

To do this, you need to put aside all feelings of embarrassment or shame over how the relationship unfolded -- or ended. It's okay to have been disappointed by the fact that he forgot your birthday, or never put forth any effort with your family, or seemed to care more about his work than you. If he's a cheater it's okay to hate him for it-it's a totally natural reaction to being betrayed. As much as it sucks, you need to force yourself to remember your very worst times together, his most irritating habits, and the hard truth that not only can he live without you but he'd rather. Ouch! Yes, indeed but doesn't that make it easier to be without him? When you rewrite the past and make your romance seem so perfect (example: He cared so much about my friends that he had sex with one of them; it wasn't that weird that he always called me by his ex-girlfriend's name), your loss starts to seem unbearable. And it's not. Believe us. The demise of this relationship is the result of it not being a fit, a match, meant to be and certainly not the love of a lifetime. You need to stop pretending that it is. Remember, it's called a break-up because it's broken and who wants to be in a broken relationship? NOT YOU!

The second condition is Dumper's Remorse. Dumper's Remorse is different from Revisionist Romance Disorder because it's not about being deluded about what kind of guy he was all along, but rather about second-guessing yourself. With Dumper's Remorse, you've seen the reality, you know he's not the one for you and you've even been brave enough to do the deed-but then when you're faced with your first weekend alone you start second-guessing your decision. (As in: So what if he slept with other girls? He's just social by nature. Did I just throw out the man of my dreams?) All your insecurities about whether you'll ever find the right guy become a breeding ground for Dumper's Remorse and can lead you to make some very bad decisions-like taking him back and wasting even more time in a relationship that's going nowhere. But here's a reality check: breaking up with someone is really hard to do -- it takes a lot of courage to pull the plug on a relationship. And the fact is that you still did it-you fully evaluated the relationship for all the promise and potential that it offered, and then decided in no uncertain terms that it wasn't right for you. Trust yourself because doubt means don't every time-and you doubted he was "the one" so strongly that you dumped him!

But Greg I Have Questions

But what if it's not his fault?

He had to start dating this other woman for work.

Dear Greg,
I was going out with this really great guy from work. At first it was just a flirtation but he finally asked me out and we got hot and heavy pretty quickly. Because we work together we kept our relationship a secret. I would have been fine with that, but our boss, not knowing that we were together, asked my boyfriend to take a client's daughter out for dinner and suggested that dating her would help seal a big deal for our company. Long story short, he had to start dating this other woman for work and now he says he's confused about his feelings for me and thinks that we should take a break. What do I do?
Phoebe

Dear Really Great Girl From Work,
Hey, why not just let him throw a sheet over you every time you go out? What a great way to say I love you and I'm ashamed of you at the same time. He may be a really great guy where your boss is concerned, but with regards to you he sucks! Reality check: he did not "have" to start dating this other woman. If he were so great and if he really cared about you, he'd have told the boss he had a girlfriend -- he didn't even need to reveal that the girlfriend was you. Let's redefine "Really Great." "Really Great" is proud to go out with you. "Really Great" doesn't hide you behind an office plant. "Really Great" doesn't date other people when he has a girlfriend, and "Really Great" doesn't let his boss dictate his love life. If I were you, I'd take a "Really Great" break from this not-so-great dude!

But what if he can't break-up with his other girlfriend?

Dear Greg,
I was going out with this guy for about four months. Everything about him is amazing- we have so much in common and the sex is incredible. He's really sweet to my dogs and even will stop by to let them out if I have to work late. I can tell he'll make a great father someday and I definitely thought we were headed in that direction. UNTIL one night when I surprised him by showing up at his place with Chinese takeout and found him at home with his GIRLFRIEND! I thought I was his girlfriend! So he explained that he's really in love with me but they'd been together for so long that he felt like he just couldn't dump her. He promised that he would take care of it and asked me to imagine that if the shoe were on the other foot, wouldn't I want him to let me down gently out of respect for what we had together? I agreed but told him that I didn't want to see him until he'd done the deed. So a month has gone by and he still hasn't been able to break up with her because he's just too nice a guy and can't do it. But we're both suffering a lot because we still want to be together. When will his girlfriend realize that he doesn't want to be with her and get the hint?
Alyssa

Dear Delusional,
Normally I would say, "Move on." But this guy is obviously a great catch because he's sweet to your dogs. In every other way he's a total dick. It's so hard to find a man who is nice to dogs, so hang in there. Or you could WAKE UP! It sounds like his girlfriend isn't the one that needs to get the hint. She's the one with a boyfriend. The only thing you should be doing is taking yourself out of this "nice guy's" lady buffet. You're more than a side dish and deserve to be treated as the delicious main course that you are. Don't get me wrong, dog lovers are great but a guy with a spine and some values are even better. Nice is in actions, not words. And when you take a long realistic look at your situation or even just reread your letter to me you'll realize that you're giving an okay guy who cheats on his girlfriend a hell of a lot more credit than he deserves. He's a coward and a betrayer of not one but two women and he clearly feels ambivalent about you at best -- otherwise he would have left this other woman a long time ago.

What if there isn't anyone better out there for me?

Dear Greg,
My ex-boyfriend has some really amazing qualities. He's smart, funny, a total fox, a great dresser, well read, has great taste in music. He even speaks Spanish, just like me, which was so great when we went to Pamplona for the running of the bulls. True, he never wanted to hang out with my family or my friends (he said my girlfriends bugged him), which really bothered me-so I broke up with him. I've been dating again, but haven't met anyone nearly as good. Do you think I was too harsh? Did I blow it? Did just throw away the love of my life? I mean, no one's perfect right?
Ursula

Dear Urs case scenario,
I can't tell if you've made a mistake or are suffering from a case of Dumper's Remorse. I know that personally, I couldn't put any real time in with anyone who didn't like my tribe. My guess is that you're lonely and now, when faced with the reality of getting back into the dating pool, you're panicking. Suddenly Pamplona Joe doesn't seem so bad. But you broke it off with him for a reason, and it might be as simple as you just plain weren't in love with him. After all, the guy doesn't have to be a total asshole for you to not want to spend the rest of your life with him. Sure, he had a lot of the qualities you like, but he was missing on some key fronts. In this case, I'd say "close" or "not quite" is still a big resounding "No."

What if he was made to order?

Dear Greg,
I finally met the man of my dreams. A nice Jewish doctor who comes from a great family, loves kids and has a heart of gold. He was everything I ever wanted in a guy-successful, caring, financially secure. And yet we broke up because he figured out that I wasn't physically attracted to him -- I think the fact that I needed several glasses of wine before we had sex was the giveaway. He was perfect, Greg, and now he's going to marry someone else and I'm a wreck! He was made to order and now I've blown it over something I might have been able to change.
Daphne

Dear Let's Not Get Physical,
He may have been made to order and perfect on paper but the resume doesn't make the man when it comes to love. He was perfect except for the things that weren't perfect, which makes him ultimately not perfect. This is classic Revisionist Romance Disorder -- going back and erasing the parts of your relationship that didn't work so you can punish yourself for not marrying him. Listen up: you actually did the right thing! Physical attraction is incredibly important to a long and loving relationship, and if it isn't there at the beginning I don't have high hopes for it showing up later. Keep looking for a nice Jewish doctor who rocks your world in bed, too. Better yet, scrap the resume and be open to whatever else the universe puts in front of you-because your soul mate just might be a NASCAR driver with a poet's soul who's never even been to a bar mitzvah.

Bonus Question

Should I confront him again now that my eyes are open?

Dear Greg,
My boyfriend broke up with me after three years of what I thought was an amazing relationship. Even though he said there was no one else, I suspected that he was lying so I did what any normal girl would do; I broke into his e-mail and voicemail and did some snooping. Turns out that he'd been seeing a woman from work for the last year that we were together. Nice, huh? I know we're already broken up and it shouldn't matter at this point, but it's completely shaken me and made me question our whole relationship. I want him to know that I know about his infidelities and see him for what he truly is. I can't stand the fact that he thinks he got away with it. How do I confront him about this without having to admit to the snooping?
Andrea
Albuquerque, New Mexico

Dear Confrontational,
What a great idea! Go stir things up again with the guy who not only dumped you but also cheated on you for over a year. He sounds like a winner. Just because he clearly had a foot out the door for a while and showed no respect for your feelings or the relationship you shared, why wouldn't you want to reopen and prosecute that case? Oh, maybe because the only thing you'll get from doing that is another dose of rejection with a side order of hurt feelings and anger. Who needs that? NOT YOU! He stinks and the satisfaction you'll get from busting him for his affair is nothing compared to how far it will set you back emotionally. If anything, finding out that he's a liar and cheater should make getting over him a hell of a lot easier than if you were still holding onto some memory of him as this amazing perfect guy. So you misjudged his character or he turned out to not have any. Who cares? Wash your hands of this guy for good 'cause he sounds dirty. Yuck!

Comedian Greg Behrendt was a consultant for three consecutive seasons on Sex and the City, and is the co-author of the #1 New York Times bestseller "He's Just Not That Into You," the New York Times bestseller "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" and a forthcoming guide to the art of dating. Behrendt is the host of The Greg Behrendt Show as well as a primetime reality show about relationships, Greg Behrendt's Wake-Up Call, set to debut in 2007. His acclaimed stand-up comedy has been seen on HBO, Comedy Central Presents..., The Tonight Show, Late Show with David Letterman, and Late Night with Conan O'Brien. His wife, Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt, worked for many years as a record executive in the music industry and is now a full-time mom and writer. They live in Los Angeles with their two children. For more information, visit broadwaybooks.com or itscalledabreakup.com.

Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt photo by Deborah Feingold

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