Are They Serial Dating or Seeking a Long-Term Relationship?
"I'm concerned about the serial dater types. How can you tell if someone is really trying to find a long-term relationship, or are they just addicted to the thrill of continually meeting new people?" -- Jillene P., 46, Cleveland, Ohio
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Casey, 30, Denver, Colorado
Trust your instincts! Just like meeting someone out in the "real world," you have to pick out the players from the real men (or women!!). |
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John, 35, Chicago, Illinois
I think the question is really asking: How do I stay away from the "players"? That's a tough one. It's probably difficult to really know before actually meeting them. However, once you do meet, if they are quickly more interested in continuing the date "at their place" than listening to your conversation, that's a good sign that their intent differs from yours. |
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Kari, 29, Chicago, Illinois
Sometimes it is hard to tell. I've always found that when you first meet someone, the more you talk with them, inevitably the topic of relationships comes up. This is the time to be upfront (and comfortable) in talking about what you are searching for in a relationship. His/her response or reaction will usually tell you a lot about where he/she is in life as well. Usually, those who are really looking for something long-term are not afraid to say it out loud...even early on. |
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Brian, 25, Phoenix, Arizona
This is tough. I think that if you've had a serious relationship in the past and you've been dating again for a while, then you should be able to tell what the other person wants through conversation. The more you talk to the person, especially in person, the easier it is to tell if they want to be with you for the long haul. If they don't return your phone calls or, even worse, your Personals messages, then I think you should move on because they definitely don't want a relationship, let alone anything to do with you. |
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Cherie, 24, Chicago, Illinois
Oooh, that's an easy one, just ask! By the way, don't be put off by someone who has dated a lot. Some of us have to go through two to four to two dozen people to find someone who's relationship material. |
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Corey, 28, Fort Wayne, Indiana
When looking for a long-term relationship on the Internet and trying to avoid the "serial dater" type, I simply wait it out for a while. I think it's best to take it slow, make sure that other person isn't trying to rush things. It should be okay for someone to simply write messages back and forth while trying to get to know one another. If it's going to be a long-term relationship anyway, what's the rush? |
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Charlotte, 24, Phoenix, Arizona
I really think you can tell by the things someone talks about. Do they talk about their future, goals and ambitions OR do they chat about their friends, going out and, well, non-future topics? Of course our friends will be around (hopefully), but someone who's looking for love is going to want to share more than just friends. Sharing goals and ambitions, or just one's thoughts -- especially the deep ones -- if you do that, you are making an effort to share those thoughts and feelings with someone, and if you are on Yahoo! Personals, you are likely looking for that SOMEONE (or you just like to hear yourself talk). |
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Wes, 30, Bloomington, Minnesota
Go with your "gut" or first instinct. If it feels bad right off the get go, then move on to the next eligible bachelor/bachelorette. |
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Ruth, 49, Kennesaw, Georgia
That is a tough one, as the true serial daters are masters at their art! Usually you can tell when they aren't prepared to ask you out more than a day or two in advance. I always appreciate when a guy calls at the beginning of the week to ask me out for the weekend. |
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Greg, 26, Fort Myers, Florida
If someone is honest enough to tell you how many people they are currently dating, then that should be a good idea right then. If someone has been on numerous first dates, and not a lot of second or thirds, then that's another good clue. But if someone wants to see you after the second or third date, it usually means they are into you and want to see what can develop. |
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Amy, 38, Santa Clara, California
I find that if the individual is unavailable (you have to book coffee a week in advance) or evasive, a long-term relationship is not the goal. However, if he calls me, shows interest and consistency, I feel more confident that this person is interested in connecting with me and developing a long-term relationship. |
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Doug, 44, Tucson, Arizona
I feel that when you are looking at what a person wants, you have to look at getting information out of them without them knowing. You can add into the conversation, "How many people have you met online?" or "How long have you been online dating?" These are all good hints for you to the way they work. Trust me. |
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Jessica, 26, Bordentown, New Jersey
The reality is people use dating web sites for all different types of reasons. There's no disclaimer that limits people's intentions before joining. If you aren't looking for someone who wants to date many people, you must specify that in your profile, and through your email conversations. If you still feel this person isn't looking for a long-term commitment and is just playing games, then it's time for some updated search results. |
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Ryan, 25, Santa Monica, California
I don't think there is a clear cut way to know if someone is a serial dater, but I think you can pick up on suspicious behavior pretty quickly after you've gone out on a few dates. If it bothers you, don't put up with it and move on yourself! |
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Michelle, 32, Rochester, New York
I think that the Internet tends to weed out a lot of serial dater types, so to speak. Most people I have met online are interested in something more serious. I find that bars, on the other hand, attract the serial dater type you are talking about. I think that someone addicted to the thrill of continually meeting new people is not going to invest the time it takes to get to know someone online and chat on a consistent basis. Online dating is great because you are in the driver's seat as far as how slow or fast you are going to take things. The more time you spend talking online, the more you can really evaluate that person's intentions. If you are concerned about it, take your time, chat a lot with potential interests, and you will see in time what exactly they are interested in as far as relationships or "thrills." |
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Scott, 43, Cedar Park, Texas
I don't know that you can tell that right away. I think timing is everything, and two people have to be in the same frame of mind at the same time for a long-term relationship to develop. If you think you've met a serial dater, why not ask? What is the other person really looking for? If you don't get a serious answer, that probably tells you a lot. |
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Nina, 22, Chapel Hill, North Carolina
After you start asking questions about their lives and friends, it's obvious! |
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Carl, 35, Foxboro, Massachusetts
That is a very good question. I have been through this road many times. First you have to tell the person your intentions in the relationship. If you express that you are serious and they know this and agree with you that they want to be serious with you, that's the first step. Second, you know the deal, meaning how much time the person is spending with you. If they only spend the weekend with you, that's wrong; if they use the work reason, that's wrong. The person who is serious will make time for you. If they can't meet one day they should immediately try to schedule another day. Finally, follow your gut or heart. If you feel that something is wrong, it usually is. |
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Elizabeth, 45, Batavia, Illinois
I wish I knew the answer to that. |
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Aubrey, 22, Wheaton, Illinois
I can always tell because the person won't get deeper into a conversation. They may ask the same questions over and over, or ask you to remind them about something you've talked about. This person can't keep track of who they're telling what to, and it's because they fail to go into deeper conversations. They stay continually shallow and around the same facts. Never be afraid to ask someone upfront what it is they're looking for -- you'll have your answer right away. |
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Susan, 34, Atlanta, Georgia
Let's face it, no matter the medium in which you meet people, there will always be "player" types lurking. This is inevitable. The truth is you really don't know for sure until you meet someone and start getting to know them. However, I do think a well-written profile can give you a glimpse into how serious the person is in meeting someone for the long term. Profiles that say, "just looking to meet new friends", "looking to have some fun," or "just moved to the city and need a tour guide" tip me off that the person may not be seeking something longer term. This isn't to say these people don't have potential. Dating is fun and it's a process. Listen closely to what he says and read between the lines of his profile. Most people reveal their true intentions to us, but we aren't always paying attention. I let my intuition guide me and more times than not, I've been spot on. Chances are if you think he's a player, then he probably is. |
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Lance, 37, Columbus, Ohio
Experience should tell you that. If you are inexperienced, go with your instincts. Above all, don't let someone rush you into anything, especially if you don't like the way it feels. Remember it takes a very long time to really get to know the entire person. Anyone looking for a serious relationship and not just the short thrill will understand that. |
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Christopher, 27, Charlotte, North Carolina
A huge red flag is when people start to express emotion very early into meeting or chatting. Many are in love with falling in love and go too far to press the issue. Steer clear of people who seem not to be happy alone. They are the most likely to end up feeling like they can't live without you. |
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We know people who have answers.
