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By David Wygant,
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. and
The Insightful Dater
Special to Yahoo! Personals |
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Look no further? | |
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Amber in Palm Springs, Calif., asks: I have
been seeing a 32-year-old man for about three months. We have been
calling each other "boyfriend" and "girlfriend"
since the second week. I took my profile off Yahoo! Personals at
week five. He still has his profile active and is still signing
on to Personals. Should I be concerned? Should I ask him if we are
done looking or not? |
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David Wygant
answers: To get straight to the point: you need to sit down with
him and look him in the eyes and ask him why his profile is still
on Yahoo! Personals. If you are calling each other boyfriend and
girlfriend, then there needs to be trust between the two of you.
If you are logging on and checking to see if he has logged on, then
it sounds to me as though you have a relationship fraught with trust
issues. You need to confront him with this and tell him that you
logged on because you wanted to see if he was still logging on.
That way he knows the reason why you are still looking at Yahoo!
Personals. You need to have this conversation before the relationship
goes any further! |
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Tina B.
Tessina, Ph.D. answers: Please wake up and smell
the coffee here. Calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend means
very little if you haven't had a serious conversation about commitment,
and I can tell by your letter that you haven't. If he's keeping
his options open, you should be, too. Don't try to force the relationship
to be what you want it to be (in this case, more exclusive) - it
won't work. You can ask if both of you are done looking, but what
if his ad still doesn't disappear? You don't know him very well,
and you're not really trying to know him - you're making guesses
and using wish fulfillment instead. Get out of the fantasy and find
out what's really going on. Is he looking for commitment? Has he
told you what he wants? Are you sure he's telling the truth? I think
you are going way too fast and need to back off a little. |
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The Insightful
Dater answers: I think it's perfectly fine to ask
him if you are both on the same page with looking -- or stopping
the search, as it were. It's one of those fuzzy lines that you have
to bring up and make clearer. He could have made some friends through
Personals or be closing some loops. But he could also be keeping
his options open, which would eventually be a red flag for just
about anyone (it's not just you). Bring it up and be confident about
your decision to focus on him, and know what it is you want to ask
of him (to take his profile down, to focus on you and him, etc.). |
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Sad he's not bad | |
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Doug from Midland, Texas, asks: I have found
that by being a nice guy I've put myself in a position of being
pushed aside in favor of "bad boy"-type guys. However,
women consistently say they want a nice guy. What is it that makes
women do this? My friend Jeff is just the opposite of me and has
more dates than I could even think about having. We have concluded
that it comes down to "nice boy" vs. "bad boy."
What do you think? I hate to believe society has placed another
preemptive measure on adult women, but it seems as such! |
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David Wygant
answers: You are who you are, and you will attract who you are going
to attract. Women who are attracted to bad boys will find Jeff more
desirable. Women who like nice guys will find you more attractive.
Jeff and his bad-boy ways may be repulsive to women who like "nice."
Doug, what you need to do is find out what type of woman you attract.
It seems you want the women that Jeff attracts. Because of this,
you miss all the potential women who are checking you out -- women
who are looking for a nice guy like you. The next time you go out
with Jeff, let him have his fun with the women who desire him. I
want you to look around the room and you will be amazed at the number
of women who are checking you out. Pay attention to yourself and
stop thinking about the women you cannot get. We all attract many
people -- the problem is that we spend too much time thinking about
what we can't have that we miss what we can have. |
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Tina B.
Tessina, Ph.D. answers: Well, men have had two categories
of women for centuries - the "good girl" who is marriage
material, and the "bad girl" who is fun but not worthy
of commitment. Women are just having their turn now. My question
is, what do you want and who are you looking for? Your lack of clarity
about this probably projects itself, and women react to the confusion.
If you want Jeff's life, I guess you'll have to be more like him,
but I bet it won't make you happy. And the women he likes won't
make you happy, either. Are you looking for a long-term relationship?
There are plenty of worthy women out there who are looking for the
same thing. Are you looking for a good time and no expectations?
Then you want a playgirl, who will probably be more attracted to
the "bad boy" type. You'll find, if you take the time
to sort out your priorities and look a little deeper under the surface,
that as soon as you're clear about the kind of woman and relationship
you want, she will appear, like magic. |
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The Insightful
Dater answers: There are several myths that society
and the media have perpetuated which seriously affect the romantic
preferences of women today. We have all been influenced by hearing
fairy tales, romanticizing the James Dean "bad guy" and
seeing Walt Disney movies where the hero on the white horse rescues
the princess. Your only hope is to find a woman who has faced the
reality that such scenarios are, in fact, myths. After the leather
jacket fades and the games wear on, the "bad guy" is just
a bad guy (or maybe an immature one, or one who believes he should
be something he's not so he can land more dates). Doug, if you have
half the dates Jeff does, but they are with women who are ready
to explore life with a "nice guy," then you are much further
down the path toward happiness than your friend. If a woman pushes
you aside for a "bad boy," she's not ready to be serious
with someone like you, and you are better off knowing that upfront.
Keep your mind and heart open and the right woman will come into
your life. |
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Wrong to reach out? |
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Carol of Perrysburg, Ohio, asks: I just met
a man for coffee. Is it wrong for me to email him and tell him I
had a good time, hoping in the back of my mind that he will contact
me? |
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David Wygant
answers: Let me ask you a question. Are you proactive in your life
or reactive? A proactive person will go after what they want and
will not waste valuable time thinking through every minor detail.
Email him and tell him that you had a good time. Life is about taking
charge and not waiting for the other person to react first. Take
chances in your dating and follow your gut instincts and you will
have better results than you ever dreamed of. Now write that email! |
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Tina B.
Tessina, Ph.D. answers: No, it's not wrong, and it
could be charming if you do it right. Write him a thank-you note
and tell him something that you liked about him. We live in the
new millennium, so you could even invite him out - preferably to
something you both like that was mentioned over coffee. For example,
if he had dessert with his coffee, invite him to a pie shop you
know. Or, if you both talked about liking to walk, invite him for
a walk in a local park. You could invite him to ride bikes, play
frisbee or backgammon. The activity should be public and simple.
However, keep in mind that if he was bowled over by you, he probably
would have contacted you already. So if you do contact him, be prepared
for either no response or a rejection, and move on. |
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The Insightful
Dater answers: Why don't you tell him that you realized
you were hoping he would get in touch, and that made you think you
should just get in touch with him and express the fact that you
had a great time! If he feels the same way, he'll be receptive to
you making contact (and appreciative of your honesty) and then you
can put the ball in his court about what is next. If you feel comfortable,
you can also put it out there that you would like to see him again
-- that would really put the ball in his court. Just be ready for
whatever comes back and don't be attached to the outcome. He may
be having coffee and getting to know a handful of women, which is
OK (for both of you to be doing). Good luck and have fun! |
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 David
Wygant is recognized as one of the world's premier dating
authorities. He has advised celebrities and everyday people about
transforming quality of their lives by meeting "that special someone"
through his books and audio courses, public-speaking engagements,
and one-on-one coaching. He has been a featured dating expert on
more 1000 radio and television shows including Dateline, ABC News,
CBS Good Morning, MTV, Fox News, The Learning Channel, BBC, and
WB and in publications including The New York Times, The Los Angeles
Times, The Chicago Daily Herald, The Dallas Morning News, The Boston
Globe, The Philadelphia Enquirer, New York Magazine and Marie Claire
Magazine. Wygant is on the Web datingsteps.com
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 Tina
B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist
in private practice in Long Beach, Calif. since 1978 and author
of 11 books in 14 languages, including "It
Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction," "How
to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" and "The
Unofficial Guide to Dating Again." She publishes the "Happiness
Tips from Tina" e-letter, and hosts "The Psyche Deli: delectable
tidbits for the subconscious" on www.WPMD.org and www.leisuretalk.net.
She has written and been interviewed for many national publications,
including Cosmopolitan, Maxim, and TimeOnline.com. Online, she's
known as "The Dating Doctor" and "Doctor Romance" and is the resident
dating expert on CouplesCompany.com. Browse and order books or her
free newsletter: Happiness Tips from Tina at tinatessina.com
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The Insightful
Dater provides a view of the dating scene from the perspective
of a young professional, living in a major metropolitan area.
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