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By Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.,
David Wygant and
The Insightful Dater
Special to Yahoo! Personals |
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"All I
heard from him was excuse after excuse." |
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Question: I have been
seeing a guy for a couple of weeks. He never wants to talk to me
during the week and he only wants to get together when it's convenient
for him, so I stopped calling him and I quit going where I might
see him. Last Saturday night, I went out with a friend and I saw the guy.
I ignored him at first, but he called me over to chat with him.
All I heard from him was excuse after excuse. His friend told me
I am being too pushy and scaring him but the guy assured me this
wasn't the case. After all this, the guy stayed the night with me
and ended up avoiding me again this week. Am I doing something wrong
in this situation? What should I do? -- Vexed, Pittsburg, Kan. |
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Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers:
What you're doing in this situation is not asking for respect. Did you notice that
you got attention from this guy when you played it cool? But then you allowed him to stay
the night, he got what he wanted, and you didn't. You need to learn to set boundaries, consider
what you want from a relationship, and not accept any less. Don't respond to him unless he
treats you the way a woman deserves to be treated. Excuses don't cut it -- sleeping with you
without acknowledging that you have a relationship also doesn't cut it. If you want to be
loved, then don't respond to unloving treatment. Use the "tennis match approach" -- if he
calls you, and is contrite and respectful, respond favorably the first time. Then wait for
the next signal. Don't pursue him, it shows a lack of self-respect on your part. If he
doesn't pay you enough attention, find someone else. |
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David Wygant answers:
You need
to stand your ground with him. (His "friend" says you're pushy,
but you are the one being called over to listen to excuses!)
Your guy may have some great qualities, but to me he sounds like
a boy who only likes the "chase" - as soon as he has your attention,
he ignores you and puts you on mute like a remote control.
If you really want to give him a shot, you should start by telling
him you deserve a guy who respects you and wants to be with you.-
It isn't a good sign that you have only been seeing him for a
few weeks and he's already making excuses! I hate to say it, but
this is not the type of guy you want to have a real relationship
with. Anyone who has the audacity to spend the night with you,
then avoid you is not worth your time.
Lay down some ground rules and tell him exactly what you want
from a relationship. That will either wake him up, or, better
yet, eliminate this man (boy) from your life.
There's a big difference between being "pushy" and being strong! |
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The Insightful Dater answers:
Whoooaaaa---there's one main theme here that
you should reflect on, my fellow dater, and that is where your focus seems
to remain throughout. As hard as it may be when we seek acceptance and
affection from the object of our desires, remember, as Shakespeare wrote,
"to thine own self be true." It's hard to be true to what it is you want
and need if all you are thinking about is how he is feeling, reacting,
being, etc. (that's so exhausting!). What do you want out of this relationship?
To be serious, casual, "just friends?" First figure that out and then see if he
even fits that bill. If he does, tell him your terms…and in the meantime, try
not to assume you know what he's thinking. If you're like most women and you
have a killer inner-critic, it can be murder on the ego to project what you
think is going on for him. |
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 Tina
B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist
in private practice in Long Beach, Calif. since 1978 and author
of 11 books in 14 languages, including "It
Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction ," "How
to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" and "The
Unofficial Guide to Dating Again." She publishes the "Happiness
Tips from Tina" e-letter, and hosts "The Psyche Deli: delectable
tidbits for the subconscious" on on www.WPMD.org and www.leisuretalk.net.
She has written and been interviewed for many national publications,
including Cosmopolitan, Maxim, and TimeOnline.com. Online, she's
known as "The Dating Doctor" and "Doctor Romance" and is the resident
dating expert on CouplesCompany.com. Browse and order books or her
free newsletter: Happiness Tips from Tina at tinatessina.com
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 David
Wygant is recognized as one of the world's premier dating
authorities. He has advised celebrities and everyday people about
transforming quality of their lives by meeting "that special someone"
through his books and audio courses, public-speaking engagements,
and one-on-one coaching. He has been a featured dating expert on
more 1000 radio and television shows including Dateline, ABC News,
CBS Good Morning, MTV, Fox News, The Learning Channel, BBC, and
WB and in publications including The New York Times, The Los Angeles
Times, The Chicago Daily Herald, The Dallas Morning News, The Boston
Globe, The Philadelphia Enquirer, New York Magazine and Marie Claire
Magazine. Wygant is on the Web datingsteps.com
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The Insightful
Dater provides a view of the dating scene from the perspective
of a young professional, living in a major metropolitan area.
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