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By David Wygant,
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. and
The Insightful Dater
Special to Yahoo! Personals |
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Can an outdoor gal find happiness with an indoor guy? |
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Question: I just started dating a guy who loves to dress up go out.
Sometimes I enjoy that but I prefer to go camping, play outside, and get dirty. I realize there will
be compromise in any relationship. Maybe we can alternate with camping one weekend, clubbing the next.
I just wonder if well really be happy with that or am I trying to delude myself because I really like
him? -- Outdoor Gal, Tyler, Texas |
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David Wygant answers:
This is a conversation
you need to have right away before you get involved too deeply with your feelings. You need to ask him
if he is interested in the things that you like to do, and it's only fair that he at least try them
with the same gusto that you have shown towards his likes. When forming a relationship it is important
to find out as much as you can about someone before you fall for the wrong guy. Have a talk, and
then see how he reacts to your preferred interests over the following weeks.
Compatibility is a HUGE factor in the success or failure of most relationships. I assure you:
It is much better to establish compatibility sooner, rather than later! |
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Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers:
Compatibility is amazingly important in a love relationship, and the longer you are together,
the more important it becomes. So, talk about it. Find out if he likes the things you like.
He just may not be the "get dirty" type and, if he's not, then you're right about fooling yourself.
It's time for you two to have an honest, factual discussion about your likes and dislikes.
On the other hand, it is possible that the two of you can learn to like each other's favorite ways to
play, and thereby broaden both your options. Communication is the only thing that will work here. |
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The Insightful Dater answers:
Deluding oneself is a popular activity among mismatched
couples. But if you just started dating, you're not there yet. What you need to do is
be really open about the fact that you like to camp, but that you also like to go clubbing
with him. Your give and take idea is a great one -- just stick to your guns. There are
just as many fun, flirty and playful things couples can do on a camping trip as there are
when they're out dancing, so it's not like you are sentencing him to solitary confinement.
If he goes with the flow and keeps up his end of the deal by participating and enjoying both
pastimes with you, you're golden. If he ends up thinking the rotating glitter dance ball is
more attractive than a view of the Milky Way from a secluded campsite, then, for you, he's
probably not worth the pain of dancing in heels. |
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Instant attraction or else |
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Question: I've met two men from Yahoo! Personals and I
dated them for a short while. Both of the men ended the relationship by telling me that they
find me very attractive, intelligent, funny, and grounded, but they don't have any deeper
feelings for me and do not believe they will love me in the future. One of the men I dated
for only one week and the other was only for one month. Do men really feel that they have to
fall in love in such a short period of time? -- Slow Down, Tampa, Fla. |
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David Wygant answers:
Absolutely NOT! In fact, any man
that considers a woman to be "very attractive, intelligent, funny, and grounded", but won't
give more than ONLY one week or one month to a relationship, was never looking for one
in the first place.
Look on the bright side: at least they were up-front with you, and now you can move on to
bigger and better things. You sound like a great woman, so keep up the dating and don't
be discouraged. The entire key to dating is persistence - do that, and one day you will
mutually connect and have that fantastic chemistry you've always wanted.
Real chemistry is what dating is all about! |
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Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers:
Not all men. I can't tell
from your question, but I have a sneaking suspicion that you may have been pushing for a commitment,
and this is the response you got. If that's not true, then you just found two men who were nice
enough to let you down easy when they decided they were no longer interested. You're right that
it's too short a period of time to know you're in love, but it may be enough time to know they
really don't want to date you any longer. This is difficult for you, I realize, but you just
have to accept your losses and move on. |
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The Insightful Dater answers:
Well,
everyone's timing is unique, but I think the key here is that you say they found you to
be "grounded." Perhaps to them this groundedness was a lack of excitement over them or the
relationship. It's not necessarily that men think they need to fall in love within a short
time, but I do think there is sometimes an expectation that you might. Often people
expect fireworks right away and mistakenly think when they aren't there that deeper feelings
are not possible. Your expectations seem to be more in line than theirs; true intimacy is not
something that happens in a week, or even a month. My advice is that you chalk this up to
some good ol' fashioned dating experience and continue your adventure. Try to find some gents
who note in their profile that they want to take their time -- these catches aren't looking to
fall in love right away or simply for someone to be excited about them, they are after
someone to share time with and get to know slowly. That's a scenario where you both can allow
sufficient time to know if a deeper connection is possible. Take your time and good luck! |
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 David
Wygant is recognized as one of the world's premier dating
authorities. He has advised celebrities and everyday people about
transforming quality of their lives by meeting "that special someone"
through his books and audio courses, public-speaking engagements,
and one-on-one coaching. He has been a featured dating expert on
more 1000 radio and television shows including Dateline, ABC News,
CBS Good Morning, MTV, Fox News, The Learning Channel, BBC, and
WB and in publications including The New York Times, The Los Angeles
Times, The Chicago Daily Herald, The Dallas Morning News, The Boston
Globe, The Philadelphia Enquirer, New York Magazine and Marie Claire
Magazine. Wygant is on the Web datingsteps.com
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 Tina
B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist
in private practice in Long Beach, Calif. since 1978 and author
of 11 books in 14 languages, including "It
Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction," "How
to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" and "The
Unofficial Guide to Dating Again." She publishes the "Happiness
Tips from Tina" e-letter, and hosts "The Psyche Deli: delectable
tidbits for the subconscious" on www.WPMD.org and www.leisuretalk.net.
She has written and been interviewed for many national publications,
including Cosmopolitan, Maxim, and TimeOnline.com. Online, she's
known as "The Dating Doctor" and "Doctor Romance" and is the resident
dating expert on CouplesCompany.com. Browse and order books or her
free newsletter: Happiness Tips from Tina at tinatessina.com
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The Insightful
Dater provides a view of the dating scene from the perspective
of a young professional, living in a major metropolitan area.
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