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By Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.,
David Wygant, and
The Insightful Dater
Special to Yahoo! Personals |
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Question: What is the best way to let a man know
that, while you would like to get to know him better, you also want to continue meeting
and getting to know other men as well? This used to be called plain old' dating! We all
struggle with this as we meet new men. -- Still Looking, Milwaukee, Wis. |
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Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers:
Has someone asked you for an exclusive commitment? If not, you don't have one. Don't assume
that anyone you're dating is seeing you exclusively unless you've had a discussion and agreed
upon it. All parties are free to date others until that agreement is made. This being true,
it's not necessary to tell your dates that you're dating others. However, it is very important
not to mislead anyone into thinking you're being exclusive when you're not, so if he asks,
answer honestly.
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David Wygant answers:
You need to tell him that you are enjoying getting to know him, but that you usually
prefer to take things slowly. There's no need to tell him that you are casually dating
other people - at least until you have the "exclusive" talk. However, I'd (obviously!)
discourage you from talking about other dates that you have been on recently. Just focus
on having fun - dating is supposed to be fun! And, if he does initiate the "exclusive"
talk, you'll either be ready or you won't - that's the time to talk commitment.
Until then, you're right to keep your options open and make sure you find the right
connection for you!!!
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The Insightful
Dater answers: As far as I know, it still is called "dating."
It sounds like what really worries you is how the guy perceives you when you
say you want to meet other men. So, how do you say you are "dating" and not be
perceived as disingenuous or too casual. Here's the key: know what you want
out of dating. If you truly want to get to know this guy while also dating
other men, then be up front about it. Early on in a relationship, guys are
pressured to "be cool" so they won't seem over-anxious -- you're just doing
the same thing, but with intention. As long as you are upfront, there shouldn't
be a problem. However, be honest about your dating goals -- are you afraid of
getting close to someone, afraid that you might miss "the one" so you are using
power-dating to try to beat the odds? There's nothing wrong with enjoying dating.
Be realistic about what you are looking for and honest about it with your dates. |
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Shorter men
need dates, too
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Question: It's difficult for me to find women who
are interested in me because of my height. I am only 5'1" and almost every ad I have
read from women have a minimum height preference of 5'7" or between six and seven feet.
With as much as 90 percent of the ads having a minimum height preference taller than
that I am, it's impossible to find someone. Even women who are shorter than me are
looking for taller men than I am. Is there any way I can increase my chances of
finding a woman even though I am only 5'1"? --
Grounded, Ogden, Utah |
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David Wygant answers: : For starters, you need
to GRAB their attention when you are online. Depending on your style, the subject
line should say something clever, funny, sassy, intelligent, etc… If you can first grab
their attention, they are more likely to open your mail and read your letter. When they
do, it is crucial that you WOW them with the content.
More important, pay close attention to everything they have written in their profile.
If you want them to see all of your positive attributes, it's only fair that you know
theirs as well. A well-written profile, along with some great pictures, goes a long way
to showing ALL of the positive attributes that you possess.
Dating is often about good marketing - you need to market yourself so women will look past
their pre-conceived notions about height and see the complete you!
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Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers: Does your own ad
state your height? You may be surprised to find that there are women out there who
don't want to be towered over. If you answer some ads by being upfront about "I'm
shorter than your minimum height preferences, but we seem to have ___________ in
common," you might find that you get responses anyway. There is an unfortunate focus
on physical attributes in dating ads, because the format seems to require it, but
all women are not as rigid as the preferences might seem. Lead with your best assets --
your wit, your charm, your caring nature -- and you'll get responses despite your height.
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The Insightful
Dater answers:
Okay, bottom line is that we live in a world that worships
the "perfect" human dimensions and that holds true whether
you are round, stick-like, tall, short or bald, etc. But there is
a silver lining. There are people who know not to judge a book by
its cover. You are looking for someone who is sufficiently self-aware
to know their worth is not measured by their waistline, bust line,
hairline or height -- and to recognize yours isn't either. It's
true that people have pre-conceived notions about what their mate
will be like and you may feel those notions (based on the preferences
you say you have seen) exclude you. However you need to hang in
and be persistent. Be confident in who you are and what you are
looking for. Don't be afraid to call a girl on it if you think she's
writing you off before giving your 5'1" stature a shot. At
the end of the day, you want a mate next to you who is only concerned
with your happiness, not your height. You may be challenged in this
lifetime to have to look harder for that special someone, but when
you find her (whatever height she may be) she'll be worth the wait. |
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David
Wygant is recognized as one of the world's premier dating
authorities. He has advised celebrities and everyday people about
transforming quality of their lives by meeting "that special someone"
through his books and audio courses, public-speaking engagements,
and one-on-one coaching. He has been a featured dating expert on
more 1000 radio and television shows including Dateline, ABC News,
CBS Good Morning, MTV, Fox News, The Learning Channel, BBC, and
WB and in publications including The New York Times, The Los Angeles
Times, The Chicago Daily Herald, The Dallas Morning News, The Boston
Globe, The Philadelphia Enquirer, New York Magazine and Marie Claire
Magazine. Wygant is on the Web datingsteps.com
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Tina
B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist in private
practice in Long Beach, Calif. since 1978 and author of 11 books
in 14 languages, including "It
Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction," "How
to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" and "The
Unofficial Guide to Dating Again." She publishes the "Happiness
Tips from Tina" e-letter, and hosts "The Psyche Deli: delectable
tidbits for the subconscious" on www.WPMD.org and www.BookCrazy.net.
She has written and been interviewed for many national publications,
including Cosmopolitan, Maxim, and TimeOnline.com. Online, she's
known as "The Dating Doctor" and "Doctor Romance" and is the resident
dating expert on CouplesCompany.com. Browse and order books or her
free newsletter: Happiness Tips from Tina at tinatessina.com
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The Insightful
Dater provides a view of the dating scene from the perspective
of a young professional, living in a major metropolitan area.
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