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By Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.,
David Wygant and
The Insightful Dater
Special to Yahoo! Personals |
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Polite rejection |
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From Pleasant Hill, Calif., Chris writes: I am
wondering how to reply to an email from someone in personals. As shallow as it seems, I am not
attracted to the photo. I believe physical attraction is important, too. However, being raised with
manners I would like to respond, but it would be a rejection. I feel it would be insensitive
to just say I am not attracted to your photo, but also I don't want to make something up.
What would you suggest? |
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Tina B.
Tessina, Ph.D. answers: I'm glad you want to be
polite. Here's your answer:
Dear......, Thank you for your response, I am flattered by your
interest in me, and very sorry I cannot reciprocate. The
best of luck to you in your quest.
Sincerely, Chris
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David Wygant answers:
You could be honest with her, but that would be really hurtful and could hurt her self-esteem.
Since you feel you need to respond to a person who reached out to you, are you Ok with a white lie?
Most people in this situation will not respond. That is part of what people expect when they try to
meet someone online.
The best response would be something like, "Thanks for contacting me but I am not interested
at this time." It's simple to the point and it will show a response. Rejection is cold and there
is no good way to tell a stranger you do not want to get to know them. This is why most
people will not respond. I am sure you are not the only one who is not responding to her.
I am also sure you haven't received responses from everyone you have contacted.
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The Insightful Dater answers:
It's great you are being considerate and applying manners you use offline to your online
interactions. You've got a couple of options. You can do what you think needs to be done to spare
any feelings. For example, "I'm really busy with work and am taking a break from dating,
but thank you," or "I'm just starting to see someone right now," etc. This is what is known as a white
lie or sugarcoating the truth. It is less direct, but I understand that sometimes it feels "easier."
You can also just respond by saying, "Thanks for your recent email. I'm flattered I caught
your eye, but after checking out your profile, I don't think we're a good match. Good luck in your
search. Best, xxxxx" It's polite and direct -- but doesn't reference your specific lack of attraction
to the photo in the profile. Manners are great and so is the good karma of answering someone's email
instead of leaving them wondering. In the world of online dating, a "no thank you" is better than no
response at all. |
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Dine and dash? |
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Tom in Orlando, Fla., writes: I don't understand
why sometimes, after what seems to be a really great date -- one where were both
laughing a lot and seemingly enjoying the conversation -- that she doesn't return my calls
or emails. If she doesn't like me, why lead me to believe she does? Is she thinking she's being
courteous by not just saying, "I don't think it will work for us," at the end of the date? It makes
me feel like she's been dishonest and just used me for a nice meal out. |
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Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.
answers: I agree with you, it would be a lot kinder to tell you it wouldn't work, but I also
realize it's a very difficult statement to make face to face. So, a lot of people just avoid it,
and hope you'll get the message. Here's the rule: If she doesn't return a call or an email after a
date, you can call or email one more time, after a few days, just in case she somehow didn't get
the message. In your second message, say "Hi, it's Tom you didn't respond to my last message, so
I'm assuming you don't want to hear from me again. If I'm wrong, call or email me at ...." This
gives her a chance if she just didn't get the message, but lets her know you won't bug her or wait
around, either.
You can avoid being used for a meal ticket if you don't do the dating thing so quickly with women
you don't know. Instead, invite her to join you and some friends to do something (a hike, a
movie, lunch, a bike ride) and get to know her a bit before you ask her on a real date. If you do
a group thing, you'll see how she interacts with your friends and what they think of her before
you get invested. I call it the "get a life" method of dating.
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David Wygant
answers: Most people are afraid to be honest. If only she would
tell you at the end of the date that she does not see the two of
you as anything more than friends, then you could move on and not
give her a second thought. As for the phone calls and the email,
Tom, make it one phone call and one email. If you do not hear back
from a woman do not pester or chase them. If a woman is not nice
enough to answer your email and say that she does not see romantic
possibilities, then as far as I am concerned she is not worth a
second thought. Really, how hard is it to send an email to someone
and say that?
May I suggest when you date, take the woman out for drinks or coffee so you will not feel you
are being used for a free meal. Keep the first date simple. Save dinner for later.
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The Insightful
Dater answers: Not everyone is as courteous and honest
with us as we would like. I suggest that at the end of a successful
first date, you try to ask as directly as possible (without seeming
to be pressuring) if your date would like to get together again.
You might even suggest an activity and see if there is interest.
Gauge the nonverbal cues and see if there is a commitment to getting
another date planned. Not everyone knows their schedule without
checking, but you can always clarify by saying, "okay, then, I'll
look for an email or call from you in the next day or so about solidifying
our plan to go hiking-please let me know if anything changes on
your end." This way you've clearly asked and stated your expectations.
If they flake in this scenario, you wouldn't want the long-term
frustration anyway. |
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Write or wrong? |
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Jennifer from Waipahu, Hawaii,
asks: I have been having an email/phone relationship with someone
I met on the Yahoo! Personals, and although he say she likes me
a lot, he doesn't seem to be able to express himself with words.
He rarely emails me or calls me unless I call or email first. When
we're talking or emailing, he tells me he is very interested in
me. Otherwise, he won't even call to say hello or ask me how I am.
What should I do? |
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Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.
answers: You might try not phoning or emailing, and see if he steps up to the plate.
Relationships need to be conducted like tennis matches -- you hit a ball into his court and then
wait for him to return it. If you do all the work, he may just let you. Stop phoning and emailing --
you've let him know you're interested, now let him show you that he is. And, if he doesn't call,
think about the future of this relationship -- do you want to be involved with a guy who won't
talk to you, or is too passive to initiate a conversation? One of the biggest complaints I
get from women about their partners is "He won't talk to me." So, consider looking around a bit
more, and not spending too much time and energy on this one. You deserve a partner who is
interested enough to contact you. |
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David Wygant answers:
Let me ask you a question. Is this the type of relationship you want? Do you desire a relationship
that lacks communication and effort from the other person. Do you want to date someone who does not
call you to say hello or someone who never initiates the first contact? Let me ask you another question,
how come you have not met him in person yet? I think you need to ask yourself these questions and
decide if this is the type of relationship you desire. He needs to show some effort otherwise you are
not going to get what you deserve and desire. |
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The Insightful Dater answers:
The short of it is, you either have an online relationship or you advance it to meeting in
person. There's nothing wrong with either, they just require different levels of one's attention.
If you are one of many people he is corresponding with online, you may not feel you are
getting his clear focus or attention. So, suggest meeting in person and then you'll know whether or
not you should keep initiating those online conversations. Clearly, he's expressing interest, but
you're not convinced, so up the ante and listen to your intuition -- it's not about winning attention, it's
about finding someone you enjoy being around and who is open to having a balanced relationship. |
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 Tina
B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist
in private practice in Long Beach, Calif. since 1978 and author
of 11 books in 14 languages, including "It
Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction ," "How
to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" and "The
Unofficial Guide to Dating Again." She publishes the "Happiness
Tips from Tina" e-letter, and hosts "The Psyche Deli: delectable
tidbits for the subconscious" on on www.WPMD.org and www.leisuretalk.net.
She has written and been interviewed for many national publications,
including Cosmopolitan, Maxim, and TimeOnline.com. Online, she's
known as "The Dating Doctor" and "Doctor Romance" and is the resident
dating expert on CouplesCompany.com. Browse and order books or her
free newsletter: Happiness Tips from Tina at tinatessina.com
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 David
Wygant is recognized as one of the world's premier dating
authorities. He has advised celebrities and everyday people about
transforming quality of their lives by meeting "that special someone"
through his books and audio courses, public-speaking engagements,
and one-on-one coaching. He has been a featured dating expert on
more 1000 radio and television shows including Dateline, ABC News,
CBS Good Morning, MTV, Fox News, The Learning Channel, BBC, and
WB and in publications including The New York Times, The Los Angeles
Times, The Chicago Daily Herald, The Dallas Morning News, The Boston
Globe, The Philadelphia Enquirer, New York Magazine and Marie Claire
Magazine. Wygant is on the Web datingsteps.com
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The Insightful
Dater provides a view of the dating scene from the perspective
of a young professional, living in a major metropolitan area.
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