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By David Wygant,
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. and
The Insightful Dater
Special to Yahoo! Personals |
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I'm too gorgeous for my state | |
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Josie from Des Moines, Iowa
asks: I'm considered drop-dead gorgeous in Iowa (average
in California and other places where exotic women are everywhere).
I'm also above average in intelligence, confident in myself as a
person, physically fit and a nice person. I find that I don't get
any dates in the Midwest, but I sure get a lot of blank stares and,
"you're too good for me" from the guys I do get to date.
Is it really true that average, nice guys date plain Janes, and
attractive women (by the local standard) have to be stuck with rich
old men? |
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David Wygant answers:
Wow, what is up with the attitude? Why
do you waste so much time comparing yourself with woman who live
in California when you live in Iowa? Why do you think you are
destined to be with a rich old man? I bet when you walk around
you carry that attitude with you and men probably find you unapproachable.
I want you to try something out, smile at all the men you find
attractive and try saying hello to men who pass you by when you're
walking. You need to make yourself approachable to men. When you
practice these tips you will get more men interested in you as
well as the rich old men who you think all pretty girls in Iowa
will end up with. |
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Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers:
It's an interesting paradox,
but the most beautiful people don't tend to have the most successful
relationships. (Think Bennifer -- who did she marry? Mark Anthony
-- not exactly a match in looks for Ben.) I believe this happens
for two reasons. 1) Average people are intimidated by beautiful
people. 2) Beautiful people have often had things handed to them
because of their looks, and don't develop a lot of empathy or
humility -- two two characteristics that invite love. You are
very focused on your looks. I recommend you focus more on the
inside and become a compassionate and passionate person, not just
a nice one. |
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The Insightful Dater answers:
If you expect that your average Joe may feel you are out
of his league, you may be manifesting this response from them without
even realizing you are part of the equation. Try to break down any
barriers of fear, insecurity or for-gone conclusions from your interactions
with "average Joes" and relate to them as an interested
party. It may be that you need to find someone who is more comfortable
with themselves-someone who accepts themselves and knows that they
will make a good mate for some lucky gal (not someone who doesn't
know their own worth and would think something as silly as "you're
to good for me.") |
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Sorry, wrong number |
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Carol from Chicago asks: I never seem to get to a
face-to-face meeting. I get a phone number, a couple of phone calls, and an email saying that,
"you've helped me clarify my feelings," "I'm returning to old love," "moving on,"
"seeking a soul-mate," etc. What am I doing wrong? |
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David Wygant answers:
You are doing nothing wrong, dating is all about playing the numbers and right now you are just
hitting a streak of bad luck. You need to keep plugging along and meet as many men as possible,
that way you will increase your odds of meeting the right person.
I once went through the same streak you were having and it took a lot not to get frustrated with
the results, but I kept plugging along and one day it all reversed and I had a great selection of
woman who all wanted to date me.
Be patient. Your time is right around the corner.
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Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers:
Well, I don't have much to go on, here, but I'd say you're being a counselor instead of a potential
relationship. From what you say, I get the impression that you listen to these guys talk about
their previous relationships and help them understand themselves better. If you want to be a
counselor, get a license and earn a living at it. In your personal life, focus more on the
interaction between you and the guy. Ask him about things other than his previous love.
Respond to him with information about your interests, and fun things you could do together.
Get face-to-face as soon as possible. If he doesn't make that suggestion, make it yourself.
You're not real to him until you're in his presence. So suggest, "There's this lovely little
coffee shop, I know. Would you like to meet up there?" |
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The Insightful Dater answers:
Finding a right fit and getting someone to commit to getting to know you can be difficult in
this day and age -- people have short attention spans and lots of options. I think the best thing you
can do is really know what you are after and search (by clicking and emailing as well as with your
intuition) for someone who is on the same wavelength. If what you are after is slowing things down,
having coffee and enjoying the process of getting to know someone and their diverse interests,
then let people know that up front. People like for others to take an interest in them --
you just have to get someone to slow down long enough to realize they are interested in that process too. |
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Instead of bed |
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Maureen writes from Indianapolis: I seem to have
tried everything (dating services, Internet, etc.), however the guys who ask me out all want
to go straight to bed. They lead into it by saying they want to come to my apartment with
the understanding that it is to pick me up for a date. How do I get away from the too casual
guys and onto something more meaningful? |
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David Wygant answers:
Set the ground rules when you go out on a date. One of the rules is that you want meet at a
neutral spot. This way you will have your own car and you will be free to arrive and leave on
your own. It also serves to tell the man that you are not easy and they will need to respect
you and your space. It's the easies way to separate the real men from guys who are looking
for a quick score.
Then, if the man calls you back after the first date, tell him again that you want to meet at
a neutral spot. This separates the men from the dogs.
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Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers:
Just assume all guys want to go straight to bed. Your objective is to put the meaning in the
relationship. Certainly if you don't know him well, you don't want him coming to your apartment.
Meet him elsewhere -- at a restaurant, for example. Better yet, don't do the restaurant thing.
Suggest a museum or a ball game or invite him to brunch with some friends. Give the guy a chance
to know you as a person, rather than a sex object. Group dates are great for this, they take the
pressure off both of you, and rev up the fun. |
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The Insightful Dater answers:
The key word here is boundaries. You set them, firmly, and you should be able to start avoiding some
of the one-track-mind guys. Be mindful that all of your interactions with prospective dates are an
opportunity to set the tone and communicate your comfort level and your own expectations. In your
online profile, be sure to make your essay clearly state what you are looking for, to avoid any
confusion with dates you met through those means. |
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 David
Wygant is recognized as one of the world's premier dating
authorities. He has advised celebrities and everyday people about
transforming quality of their lives by meeting "that special someone"
through his books and audio courses, public-speaking engagements,
and one-on-one coaching. He has been a featured dating expert on
more 1000 radio and television shows including Dateline, ABC News,
CBS Good Morning, MTV, Fox News, The Learning Channel, BBC, and
WB and in publications including The New York Times, The Los Angeles
Times, The Chicago Daily Herald, The Dallas Morning News, The Boston
Globe, The Philadelphia Enquirer, New York Magazine and Marie Claire
Magazine. Wygant is on the Web datingsteps.com
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 Tina
B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist
in private practice in Long Beach, Calif. since 1978 and author
of 11 books in 14 languages, including "It
Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction," "How
to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" and "The
Unofficial Guide to Dating Again." She publishes the "Happiness
Tips from Tina" e-letter, and hosts "The Psyche Deli: delectable
tidbits for the subconscious" on www.WPMD.org and www.leisuretalk.net.
She has written and been interviewed for many national publications,
including Cosmopolitan, Maxim, and TimeOnline.com. Online, she's
known as "The Dating Doctor" and "Doctor Romance" and is the resident
dating expert on CouplesCompany.com. Browse and order books or her
free newsletter: Happiness Tips from Tina at tinatessina.com
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The Insightful
Dater provides a view of the dating scene from the perspective
of a young professional, living in a major metropolitan area.
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