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By Tom Blake
Special to Yahoo! Personals |
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Lost a fishing
buddy, too |
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I'm recently divorced after 29 years of faithful love to my spouse. We
separated a little over a year ago. Just after separation, she moved in with my fishing
buddy. I went through a horrific year and am now ready (I think) to get back into the
game. However, things have changed since the '60s/'70s. I am mind-boggled about how
dating and romance occurs today. Any suggestions? -- Gary, 51, Littleton, Colo.
Dear Gary,
There are two aspects to your question. First, you "think" you're ready to date again.
You need to be sure you've healed. Losing a loved one is devastating. It disables us.
People need to properly heal before they can successfully open their hearts to romance again.
You'll know you're ready when you no longer find dwelling on the past comforting. If you
try to rush into dating too soon, you won't be a good mate for a new woman. No worthy woman
wants to deal with you if you're floating in a sea of sorrow. Heal first. Then you'll be ready
to start dating.
Second, you say your mind is boggled as you think about beginning to date. After 29 years of
marriage, that's normal. Ask yourself, "What do I want in a mate? What qualities are important
to me?" Make a simple written list with eight to ten traits itemized in order of importance.
Having realistic expectations will help keep you from pursuing women who aren't right for you.
Review your list often. Of course, never take your list out when you're on a date and say,
"You're a little weak on item six."
Next, make a commitment to get off the couch and out of the house. Pursue interests, hobbies,
and activities you enjoy. Get out among people; don't go out looking for a mate, you'll come off
as desperate and it won't work.
Look in the mirror and say, "I'm going to be fine. This is going to be fun." And then, start
living again. |
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Second childhood blues |
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At my age I have a hard time finding someone who is really nice and doesn't
want to rollerblade, skydive, snorkel, climb mountains, or leap tall buildings. Are they
all in their second childhood? -- Candice, 56, Tucson, Ariz.
Dear Candice,
No, they aren't in their second childhood. They just have interests that differ from yours.
It's proven that exercise and proper diet help us live longer. Make a list of the interests and
activities you enjoy and pursue men with similar interests. If strenuous exercise isn't your bag,
be sure to specify that in your Yahoo! Personals profile.
Also, include your interests so men can see if their interests parallel yours. |
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Too available? |
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Should I let perspective dates know ahead of time that I'm retired? I have
listed that I am retired and it keeps coming back as a dislike every time. I listed my
income and believe it should remove all doubts about my financial position. I listed that
I was retired with the belief it would prove I'm almost always available. I thought women
would be interested in a man who made himself available all the time. I thought it was a
real asset. Could I be wrong? -- Tom, 51 Victor, N.Y.
Dear Tom,
Your intentions are good but your message needs work. You're revealing too much information too
soon and coming off as desperate. Don't mention that you're retired. It makes you sound much older
than 51. Also, stating that you're always available scares prospective mates. They want to expect
that you're active and having the time of your life instead of sitting around on the couch, waiting for
Mrs. Right to appear so you can smother her with all of that free time. Get involved with people
and activities and stop waiting around. Write something like: "Willing to make time for the right
relationship."
Also, remove your income from your ad. If your income is substantial, you'll attract women who
want your money and not you. If your income is meager, women will run the other way thinking
they'll have to support you. It's okay to use the words "financially secure," and leave it
at that. Focus on your personal qualities, not on your material offerings. |
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Dating again
-- after 43 years |
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I am 64 years old and was married for 40 years to the same man, my high
school sweetheart. We divorced and remained friends, then tried to make our relationship
work again, but it didn't succeed. We remained very good friends and he died three years
ago. I haven't had a date or anyone special in my life since our divorce. How do I meet new
friends? I have registered on Yahoo! Personals and tried to respond to other registered
singles, but have not had any replies to my emails. What or how should I respond to be in
touch? -- Jackie, 64, Miami
Dear Jackie,
If my math is accurate, it sounds as though you haven't had a date with anyone besides
your deceased husband in more than 43 years. You're a bit out of practice. Are you
looking for love or just friendship through Yahoo! Personals? Augment your Personals
effort by identifying and participating in the activities and interests you enjoy.
Start getting out with people. Do volunteer work. Visit senior centers in Miami.
Join clubs that sponsor activities you enjoy. Travel with a group. Focus on making
women friends as well as men friends. You need to reach out and enrich your life by
getting involved. Strive to make yourself a more interesting person. Forget about
finding romance. Build friendships first. Who knows? You might meet a nice gentleman
while you're out and about.
My mother is 93. She's been a widow for 38 years and lives alone. She heads up a book
club, plays bridge three times a week, goes to the symphony, and attends a regular
Sunday symposium. She says she doesn't have time for all of the activities in her
life. Plan on living for another forty years. Get busy and get out there! |
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Small-town
single person |
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I have been out of the dating scene for years. I don't do the bar scene and
don't care to date someone who hangs out at bars all the time. I know that there are nice
guys out there, but where on earth are the nice ones and how do you get out to meet someone?
I have been told to try church. Well, I happen to go to a very small church and the
parishioners are all couples. Most all of my friends are couples. Am I destined to be
alone in this small community? -- Dorothy, 53, Flippin, Ariz.
Dear Dorothy,
Older single people who live in small communities face the same problem. There just aren't
other singles around to date. That's where the blessings of the Internet come in. Sites like
Yahoo! Personals and online communities provide opportunities for single people to reach out
over long distances to meet other singles.
First things first. Start communicating with people in other cities, towns and parts of
the country who are interested in finding friends.
As long as you live in a small town, unless some new widowers emerge, or single gentlemen
move in (keep a fresh casserole dish at the ready just in case), your problem isn't going to
change. Using the Internet can be a big help.
Long-distance relationships resulting from meeting over the Internet create other problems
-- such as who's going to move if you want to be together -- however, that's a concern only
after you've met someone. Although you probably should consider the question ahead of time.
Or find a man who doesn't hang out at bars "all the time." Maybe find one who goes to bars,
not to hang out, but just to enjoy a tall, cool beverage. |
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"Am I going nuts?" |
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I have been single for about ten years. My life is in balance professionally,
emotionally and physically. Most people think I am no older than 41. I recently met a
45-year-old gentleman. The chemistry between us during our first meeting was incredible.
What makes a usually unruffled woman react like this? Very few men turn me on like this.
I am very selective with looks, sense of self, maturity, and confidence. Am I going nuts
or can I fall "head over heels" at my age? -- Cyndi, 52, Fremont, Calif.
Dear Cyndi,
Cool your jets! Yes, people can fall "head over heels" at any age. But, be careful.
You're basing your feelings for this man on chemistry -- lust, if you will. That
can be dangerous. You're putting the cart before the horse. Chemistry should
only be the frosting on the cake. People are initially attracted to outward
appearances. What's he like on the inside? Is he kind, considerate, responsible?
How will he treat you once the chemistry wears off -- usually in a few months --
when significant qualities take on more importance?
How does he treat his mother or the waiter or waitress when you're out to dinner?
That's an indication of he'll treat you. Who are his friends? Are they the type
of people you'd like to be associated with? Is he well mannered or egotistical?
Is he financially secure?
Think of it this way -- movie stars often base relationships on chemistry.
Then what happens? Another divorce, another breakup. And then on to the next
pretty face. You have to connect on many levels for a relationship to work. Chemistry
is important, but without the other qualities, you have nothing but an empty shell.
Does he know your true age?
Slow down, take a deep breath, and evaluate this man on his more lasting, important
qualities. If he checks out on all levels, then, let the chemical reaction bubble up to a boil. |
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Tom Blake has
written more than 600 newspaper columns on middle age dating and
relationships. His "Single Again" column is featured in the Orange
County (Calif.) Register. Tom is the author of two books:
"Finding
Love After 50: How to Begin. Where to Go. What to Do" and
"Middle
Aged and Dating Again." He has made multiple appearances as
a keynote speaker at national AARP conventions and as a dating after
50 expert on the NBC show, Today. Sign up for Tom's free weekly "Finding
Love After 50" e-letter, read previous columns or order books at
findingloveafter50.com.
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