Dating Déjà Vu: Changing the Type of Man She Attracts

Sheila Ellison answers your questions about dating for single parents and after divorce

I have five children and seem to attract the same type of men (the abusive/possessive type). I don't go out. Bar hopping is not my thing. I dated people who I thought were friends, but turned out not to be. I'm looking for a friend first. Then we'll see what happens next. However, when I do meet someone, they always think I'm looking for a dad for my children. They already have dads. How do I change the type of man I attract? Are there any personality warning "signs" I should look for? -- Pauline D., 32, Orleans, Vt.

Interesting question about personality warning signs: Yes, I do think there are warning signs. All the men you feel immediately attracted to, given your history of attracting the same type of men, should be considered a warning sign. I would challenge you to start meeting, creating friendships, and getting to know men who in the past you might have listed as types you're not attracted to. It sounds like you need comparison material.

If we date the same type of man, we never find out what we're missing.

You might even believe subconsciously that this is the way you deserve to be treated. Then, when you meet one of those men (on the list of types you're not attracted to), you decide they're too sensitive or too supportive -- not man enough, or perhaps not as attached as you're used to.

Be clear about your expectations for the relationship from the start. Figure you are at the beginning stage of dating and you'd like to see how a friendship goes before taking romantic steps. Be aware that men often get the impression that you're looking for a father for your children if you complain about the father your children already have, or if you appear to need help managing your children. Instead of discussing your children, spend time getting to know each other.

Heartbreak mathematics

I've heard that there is sort of a formula to tell how long it will take -- approximately -- to get over a bad break up when deep feelings were involved. Also, should you date during this time or stay at home and try to get over your lost love? -- Darla R. 42, Hardin, Texas

The formula you've heard is that usually after two years people are ready to date. However, I've found that women or men who have lived in a very bad relationship for a long time have already spent a good amount of time letting go and grieving the loss of that relationship.

Although they were still living with their spouse, they've been lonely for a long time. Perhaps they've been in therapy and the decision to divorce was mutual or at least both parties knew the divorce was coming. These people are usually ready to date sooner.

As far as dating during the two-year period, that is totally up to you. Dating should be a period of experimentation, where you figure out who you are outside of the relationship you just lost. It's a time to have fun and play -- if you can do that without feeling you have to impress each date or feel depressed and rejected if they don't call you back -- then give dating a try.

If you feel emotionally fragile, have lost your self-confidence and barely make it through your day without thoughts of despair, don't fool yourself with the idea that dating might make things better. It may distract you from the grieving process -- which can be a good thing -- but you could also start to believe that if you could just find someone else to love you, they would carry you through. The journey out of relationship is just as important as the steps you take to get into one. So make sure you take this opportunity to redefine who you are and what you want at this point in your life.

Reconcile or continue to date?

If you're married, separated and talking about reconciling, what should you do if you're also dating a great guy? He's sensitive to a woman's needs and more concerned about pleasing me and making sure I'm happy? Do you continue to date the other guy or wait for your husband to decide if he's going to leave the girl he's dating? There are children involved. -- Kamilah H., 29, Camden, Ark.

You are both treading a slippery slope. If you have any intention of having the marriage work -- and that means both of you want to see if it would work -- you both need to stop dating immediately.

A new love is always more attentive than an old love, especially when there are children involved. Raising children together changes the dynamic of the relationship. It's likely that both you and your husband were overwhelmed with the demands of parenting, thinking that perhaps it was the relationship itself that was dying, when in fact you may not have paid enough attention to defining, discussing, and supporting each other in your new roles.

If you're talking about reconciliation, then it would help if you could find some neutral location where you can discuss the qualities in your new relationships that you wish were present in your marriage. Then decide whether you're going to give the marriage a try for a certain length of time. However, during this time you both have to be faithful to each other, and agree not to discuss or compare the other relationships. This is your chance for a fresh start.

When there are children involved, it's important to give the marriage every chance to see if it's salvageable. However, if one or the other of you is already in love and determined to leave, discussions about how to improve the marriage could be more painful than helpful.

Sheila Ellison

Sheila Ellison is leading a year-long course for women titled Life Design After Divorce. She is the author of "The Courage to Love Again: Creating Happy, Healthy Relationships After Divorce," "The Courage to Be a Single Mother: Becoming Whole Again After Divorce," " How Does She Do It? 101 Life Lessons from One Mother to Another," and "If Women Ruled the World" as well as six bestselling parenting books. She is the founder of SingleMomsConnect.com, a non-profit organization that connects single mothers in a one-to-one friendship that offers practical, emotional, and physical support as each woman rebuilds her life. She has appeared on "Oprah," NBC's "Later Today, and "The Early Show" on CBS. Her web site is completemom.com.

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