About Dating & Relationships > Reader reaction to "man-friendly personal profiles" (#2)

More reader reaction to Steve Nakamoto's article about creating a man-friendly profile. To represent the widest range of responses, we've edited these responses and tried not to blunt the points made by the writ ers.

Profiles - continued

Steve, You miss the point. Profiles are supposed to reveal truth, not mask it. You give pointers on deception, not revelation of truth. I don't want a woman who is a gold digger or high maintenance to mask it so it takes me three dates to figure it out. In your picture stuff, you failed to mention the narcissists who post 22 photos of themselves and rotate them every week. -- John

BLOCK CAPITOLS AND NO PUNCTUATION WHY DO MEN THINK WE WILL ENJOY THE COMPANY OF SOMEONE WHO YELLS IN MONOTONE IT IS SO ANNOYING-- Lisanne

Most of us, men and women, suffer from "Shopper Consciousness." We are looking for a mate the way we look for a car, or worse yet, a pair of shoes. My advice to men and women is to take some real time to discover your own core qualities (good and bad), values, and preferences, and then, and only then, create an honest profile from that information. Then, too, they would likely be ready to search other profiles with an adequate filter -- one that is not too superficial. -- Brian

Consider that some people exaggerate to impress, the way some under-report in order not to be targeted by gold-diggers, gigolos, or panderers. Don't assume that women with low incomes are not savvy economists. Some of us can make a dollar do double time, stand tall, march, and even stand at parade-rest, nose back in a thunderstorm. Money isn't everything, but how one uses it says a lot about the kind of match one is seeking. -- Pattz

We dislike profiles that all sound alike, "Am shy at first until you get to know me. Will try anything once. I enjoy football, baseball, skiing, and NASCAR. Looking for someone to take long walks with, who likes quiet nights at home, watching movies and cuddling on the couch." Puh-lese! I'm already bored and I haven't even talked to this oaf yet. -- Lisanne

My girlfriends and I all agree that the more we know, the easier we can decide whether or not to contact the guy in question. Personally, we'd like to know if you've recently been laid off, separated, or love to shop. Also, we strongly encourage more than two or three lines. "My name is Bob and I like to hunt and fish. If you are the right girl for me, contact me soon." That's not much for us girls to go by. We're instantly turned off by this. Girls volunteer more information than we need to because we would like (and expect) more information from guys. -- Leslee

Mr. Nakamoto suggests that women misrepresent themselves to "catch a man--any man." Well, I have news. This is 2004. There are many worse fates than not "catching" a man. Make sure you express your personality in your profile and use pictures that really represent of you. Otherwise you will be setting yourself up for many miserable dates. -- Janet

I actually stay away from profiles of men who write "I like long walks on the beach at sunset" because I don't feel they are not being honest, rather just writing stuff they think women want to hear. Tell me who you are and what you want...this way I can make a better decision as to whether we are worth each other's time. -- Patricia

Sure you want to paint a flattering picture of yourself, however you still want it to be an accurate picture. I'm one of those "very independent" ladies, but I also make a point of specifically telling them what I am looking for. That includes someone who I can lean on and feel safe and protected with. My point is that I want to scare off the ones who will be intimidated by me. I am a tough lady but not so tough that I don't want to find the right man for me. After all, I'm not looking for quantity of responses. I'm looking for quality and compatibility of the respondents. -- Barbara

Don't lie about your age, height or weight. (Or use deceptive pictures.) This seems obvious, but it must not be because people are doing it all of the time. Well, guess what? Your date will figure it out the second they meet you, so now not only are they disappointed in your 'statistics', they also think you are a liar. "It is far better to under-promise and over-deliver than over-promise and under-deliver." Put a picture of yourself that looks like you, or even a tiny bit worse than you look in person. -- Terra

You have contradicted yourselves. You tell us to be ourselves on our Yahoo! Personals profiles, but we should hide certain traits such as being a cat lover because "if anything, men are more dog people." So we should lie just to 'catch a man?' I, for one, am not desperate enough to lie to get a guy and I am sure many other women would agree. -- Kellee

If a woman says "maximum of 30 miles away" (or some other seemingly unnecessary restriction) it is not just about the 30 miles, it is also about lack of vision, by moving together you can change your life. As an example, take the who matched me quite well. I live in Sweden and was actually in her area of the U.S. for other reasons (vacation, business and friends) but never even attempted the contact. -- Bjorn (Stockholm, Sweden)

I believe that there is someone for everyone. Some men do like an unconventional or offbeat type of woman. Some men do like cats. Some are attracted to professional or intellectual women and others are attracted to the bimbo type. That's real life. -- Cinda

Wake up guys, the woman who kicked you out, or who you left is the same one who is waiting for you here. Fix yourself and your issues then come out with realistic expectations and a need to truly connect to another human being. -- Deborah

I happen to like very independent, intelligent, goofy women who wear hats and funky clothes. -- Edward

Weak introductory lines: "Prince seeking princess": what makes you think you're a prince or that I'm a princess?
- "Mr. Charming looking for Mrs. Right": you don't have to charm us to death
- "Hottie looking 4 u, gurl!": two problems with this one -- 1) overconfident and 2) speaking in some gangsta-thug language that we cannot understand. -- Leslee

It is way past time for men to accept women "as is" without trying to judge her, mold her, or control anything about her. Men need to listen and relate to women, not just talk "at" them. If not "loneliness in men" will grow even more! -- Laura

Ladies, here is what men really mean when they write in their profiles:
"I like a simple life" = cheap.
"Long walks on the beach." = Don't expect a real date because I have no planning skills.
"Young at heart"= probably lying about your age. -- Carol

Talk about what you want, not what you don't. For example "I'm looking for a man with a healthy, drug-free lifestyle" vs. "Pothead losers need not apply." Negativity will turn off even the guys you're trying to attract. -- JG

As an animal rights lover and activist, I resent your suggestion about not mentioning you're an animal lover. If it's important to you then it's best to say it and weed out those who would be put off by that. The object is quality, not quantity - right? -- Stephanie

Men already know that women are a complicated matter and I'm sure that if a woman's profile states that she has cats, he will probably email her anyway if all of the other information looks like something he's interested in. If he doesn't, she wouldn't have wanted him anyway. -- Christina

Hey, guys! I bet you are a slob at home, tight with your money and have few social skills. Who wants an average Joe? I know I want an adult male with a little worldly experience and a kind nature. Not all that much to expect! -- Bret

I do agree with a great deal of what Mr. Nakamoto says. The bottom line is you absolutely need to be yourself. Making out that you're something you are not is simply going to lead to a great deal of wasted time. -- Carol

This site is about honesty. To meet with someone who wants a person like you, be honest. If you're independent let them know. Don't leave room for big surprises. If you're 100 lbs. let them know you're stick-thin, or anorexic. If you're 250 lbs. be honest and let them know you're thick. I think honesty is the key to finding anyone over the Internet. -- TMH

I'm very much in favor of honesty in personal profiles, because if what you say scares someone away, that person is probably not right for you. Eliminating the wrong people is a part of finding the right one. -- Stacey

For me, the advantage of meeting people on the Internet is that the relationship can be based on less superficial issues. I don't want a woman to be afraid of intimidating me; I would love to meet an independent, serious woman -- the kind who wouldn't pay attention to Mr. Nakamoto's article. -- Erik

Don't make wisecracks about having a sense of humor "because I am not married." It is easy to spot why some people are single and pretty apt to stay that way. -- Pattz

'Negatives' in the profile introductory line or username: Some of the profile introductory lines I've seen start off on the wrong foot..."No games"..."Not interested in games"..."No players, please"...etc. Would you start out a resume with "I've never been placed in charge of a project" or "Not interested in working overtime?" Of course not! Besides, if the man is going to play games, he's not going to admit to it. -- Chris

You should know who you are and what you want. You should express the traits that the man you want will find desirable. If they decide they don't like you because of one of your characteristics, then it's likely that they are not what you want as well. And even if they were, you shouldn't have to change to please them. It's best to find someone who likes you for what you are. In your profile include the things about yourself that are important to you and you are not willing to change. -- Kelly

The worse thing I see is a total lack of description about the person and what their ideal match is. -- Monica

Profiles - continue

How about the men? No picture in over half of the profiles and nothing (or not enough) said so you don't know enough about them to send a response. Now that's scary! -- Linda

Here's a big one! No photos with the ex or current! Seen this one more than once. -- Rick

Decent photos are a must if you want a decent response rate. I take exception to some of the examples that were indicated as 'things to avoid" like pictures of them with cats or their children? So what is the woman supposed to do? Spring the kids and cats on the unsuspecting guy later? To me, what they are saying is, "This is a little slice of my life." I see nothing wrong with a good photo of the person engaged in a favorite activity, posing with friends, family, or pets. These pictures speak volumes about a person. -- Pete

Here's a list for men's photos:

* Never pose with a weapon of any kind.
* Cigarettes or beer bottles also not cool.
* No pictures with kids.
* No pictures with other women, even if they are your sisters.
* Do show pictures with animals; cats or dogs are best.
* Always keep your shirt on; especially if you have man-boobs.
* Take the hat off. We want to know if you have hair. -- Donna

Never post a picture with a better-looking friend than yourself. I wonder how I could meet the friend. Also, never post a picture with another man or cut him off and leave his arm around your shoulder. This only tells me that you were happier then than you are now. I met a very lovely lady with an arm around her shoulder. It turns out the photo was taken seven years ago. She was still lovely but nothing like the photo. Also, someone sent me a photograph. The lady asked me if I received it. It wasn't that good so I told her "no." She said that was okay because it was 13 years old anyway. Summing it up, if you don't care enough to send a recent photograph without someone else's body parts in it, don't bother. Oh, and one more thing I actually saw -- don't post your wedding picture (not bridesmaid, wedding) She told me that she looks the same and she basically did but no guy wants to see your wedding picture on a date site. -- LordMichael

No photo is better than seeing a too-serious, sad-sack, down-hearted, gloomy, pessimistic puss. -- Pattz

Sometimes people get a little too hung up on pictures. If you're a guy looking for somebody who looks like a model, just come out and say so. Very few of us really look like that. Also, some of us aren't terribly photogenic so you don't know until you actually see the person. Also, I avoid non-specific profiles that don't give much information, particularly undisclosed marital status. -- Ellen

Men's profiles that I wouldn't respond to:
1. If the only photo is taken wearing a t-shirt and baseball cap
2. If the only photo is taken wearing a flannel work shirt and suspenders
3. Wearing dark glasses
4. The guy is 55+ and the photo is of a 20 year old
5. Half naked photos.
7. I won't post a photo of my cellulite if you don't show me your pot belly.
8. Profiles that sound needy. -- Leslie

You're spot-on about bad photos-- we're all human, I don't expect a supermodel, but representing one's self with a picture where they're not even trying to look nice suggests poor judgment, as does a tiny/blurry/too-dark/too-light picture. Cameras are cheap these days, and most drug stores will happily burn photos to CD... so it's not like it's hard to have a friend stand three or four feet away and take a decent face shot. -- Alex

Bad photos: No photo at all
- A beer in one hand and a girl in the other
- A girl in one hand and a girl in the other
- Busting some Rico Suave pose with a $10 digital camera
- Up-close mug shot and no smiling -- Leslee

Under "Bad Photo" include girls in a picture with another guy. -- Mike

I like to see candid photos of men doing things that they enjoy...and I think that at least one photo should show the face clearly. Unfortunately not everyone has a friend who is a decent photographer so I am forgiving on bad photos. -- Patricia

I have been doing the online dating off and on for about five years and these are a few of the things I have run across. Pictures, dude -- in your picture you have dark hair, what happened? And where did the spare tire come from? Most men are not looking for the woman they are advertising for. Sorry guys, I am very independent, peace officer, don't cook, makes more money then a lot of men. I can fix and build just about anything and look good doing it, I don't need a man. I would like to have one to do things with and to have down time with. You don't have to be a man's man all the time. Just be real with yourself that is the whole key to finding the right person for you. -- Theresa

When I look at profiles I look for a good head shot photo. One that will show me the man's eyes and smile. -- Cindy

I will usually pass over a man's profile if his picture is unfriendly. Men need to understand that smiling makes you appear more attractive, not less. Guys, remember, it is women who are looking at your pictures, not your pals! Women have very different criteria for determining whether a man is attractive. And all those "stern, trying-to-be-cool, trying-to-look-hard" pictures are a huge turn off when a girl is trying to see if a guy appears "friendly and approachable." -- Sibyl

Consider the unkempt photos of some of the men. For example, a picture of you dirty with a dead deer in your arms is not really much of a motivator for most women. In general, they don't like to see Bambi's mother dead. All we do is focus on the baby dear somewhere who is now an orphan. Oh yes and trim up your neck hair before the photo if you have facial hair. Smile and sell yourself we want to hear a good pitch. -- Carol

Don't use pictures with sunglasses, baseball caps, or ones where you are so far away you look like a dot. So you had a ski trip to Tahoe. Great. But not so great when people are trying to get an idea of what you look like, and can't see you under all of that gear. People want to see what you look like. If you must have the picture of you catching some air off a big mogul, then make sure you have several other pictures there that show your face, head and full body! -- Terra

Communication

If a guy takes the time to write you write him back, it doesn't have to be a Tolstoy novel one or two sentences will be fine, but be clear if you are not interested say so no ambiguities, men are not great with subtle hints or reading between lines. If you don't write, 90 percent of men will not think "Oh she's not interested" they think "I guess she interested in me but a little to busy to respond." No kidding that's the way we think. -- Mark

If a man does contact me, I have found that they either haven't read my profile and/or didn't understand or comprehend what I am looking for in a partner. And, if we do start to converse, men are usually so brief, that one cannot possibly get to know them sufficiently to ascertain whether or not the communication should proceed. And, God forbid you ask them any personal questions! -- Raven

You see so many women's profiles saying how wonderful a person they are -- charming, intelligent, caring, adventurous, doesn't like games, cares for people, compassionate, etc. -- and these charming, intelligent, caring, adventurous, game play hating, caring and compassionate women don't have the common courtesy of writing a "I'm sorry, but I don't think we're a good match." email. The biggest turn off, to me is that lack of responsiveness and their absence of empathy for the person trying to make the contact. -- Mike

No is no if she says she's not interested move on. Do not try and change her mind! -- Mark

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