|
| Home | Search | | Mailbox | Who’s Saved Me | Who’s Viewed Me | Create a FREE Profile | Subscribe |
Two men walk into a bar. One man swaggers. He has a strong jaw, an unsettling gaze, and an urge to order whiskey straight up. The other man ... um, who cares?
Ah, bad boys: the eternal temptation. They've been besting the likes of feisty heroines for centuries: Virgil's Dido, Shakespeare's Helena, Jane Austen's Elizabeth Bennett, Margaret Mitchell's Scarlett O'Hara, The OC's Marissa Cooper. But do bad boys -- in the immortal words of Gloria Estefan -- really make us feel so good? Or are we setting ourselves up for failure, overlooking the perfect mate in favor of, well, losers? We sat down with Pat Love to get to the bottom of every woman's favorite mistake.
Q: Tango's entire editorial staff failed this quiz. Are we in trouble?
Pat Love: Don't worry! Many people "fail" this quiz. As you're going through the questions, just pay attention to how you feel. The more you squirm, the more you know that you might be a sitting duck for bad boys.
Q: Why are bad boys so irresistible?
Pat Love: Bad boys are handsome and elusive, and that triggers attraction. But it's largely a societal issue. We are programmed by our culture to think that chemistry is love. We are constantly stimulated-by work, television, shopping-and we tend to move on if we're not excited. Also, some women's brains are wired to interpret anger and petulance as love because of their early negative experiences with men.
Q: Why is it dangerous to be with a bad boy?
Pat Love: Well, they're unreliable. They don't feel an obligation to have a relationship. It's important to understand that when a woman has sex, she releases oxytocin and bonds with her partner. Oxytocin is called the "snuggle chemical." It triggers orgasm, but it's also released when a mother breast-feeds. It makes you feel close and connected and vulnerable. The effects of oxytocin are offset by testosterone, so a high-testosterone person doesn't bond from having sex. And there you have it: Bad boys don't get attached! They say all these wonderful things, and you get this chemical rush that lowers your defenses. But he could be gone the next day. He could lose interest.
Q: Do bad boys ever change, or is that just what we want to believe?
Pat Love: Most don't change. When they get old, then they're with somebody who has clout because of youth and beauty. Look at Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones. She has youth and beauty; he has power and status.
Q: What about bad boys who give inconsistent signals? Bad boys who snuggle?
Pat Love: If you want a rat to push a bar forever, don't give him a pellet every time he pushes-then he'll only push when he's hungry. If you take away the pellet, he won't push the bar at all. But if every now and then you give a rat a pellet, he will push the bar forever. It's called intermittent reinforcement. That's the way to get a woman forever; throw her a little tidbit every now and then.
Q: What about bad girls? Do you think that that's as much of a phenomenon?
Pat Love: Oh yes, there are bad girls. They're usually very attractive women who feel entitled. They're used to getting everything, and they know how to work a crowd.
Q: Is it important to break the bad boy habit?
Pat Love: I think you should monitor it. There's this illusion, especially for young women, that there will always be men available. And the problem is, the more you go through the revolving door of infatuation, the less powerful it is. You build up a tolerance to it. If you're going to get a good guy, then you better be watching earlier in life. Don't waste your eggs! Because it's easy to overlook someone when you're wired to be attracted to bad boys. And if you sit around, waiting for someone to knock your socks off like that first love, then you're going to wait a long time.
Q: Is there a way to create bad boy excitement with a good guy?
Pat Love: I always say: It's easier to make a good man hard than to make a hard man good. Friendship gets a relationship to go the distance. Women will say, "I love him, but I'm not in love with him." Or, "He doesn't stimulate me." And I say, "You have to have a life that does that." If you want excitement, then get a good guy and create an exciting life.
-- Marnie Hanel
