Clear the roadblocks to your online dating success
By Judsen Culbreth
From her book, "The Boomer's Guide to Online Dating"
Many women become online dating dropouts before giving it a chance to work. They may try a few free searches but never post a profile to make contact with a potential match. They may also stop short when it comes to adding a photo or completing the application. Often the lack of effort is a convenient excuse. The real roadblock is more complex. In my interviews, I found nine barriers. Is one of these stopping you?
Roadblock No. 1: Shyness
Jean, a divorced teacher in her late 40s, is kind, sensitive, and intelligent -- the very qualities any sensible man would want in a woman. But Jean is also shy and modest. She looked at profiles posted by young, sexually assertive women and couldn’t imagine describing herself that way.
Her daughter, Courtney, and I teamed up to get Jean online. We reassured her that she could be her sweet, quiet self and find plenty of men who would appreciate her. Courtney and I helped Jean find the words that painted a flattering yet truthful picture of her. Here’s what she came up with:
ShyOne - Ready for a Sweet-Hearted Woman?
“I am very warm and caring, as well as smart and interesting. I’m a low-maintenance type who prefers plain to fancy, walking to jogging, mysteries to reality shows. I really don’t like to talk about myself much. I’d rather listen to what you have to say. Once I get to know you, though, you’ll enjoy our thoughtful, funny conversations.”
|
Jean’s profile caught the attention of a real honey of a guy, an affectionate, affable, 51-year-old widower named Glenn. Their first date was an early-bird stroll sponsored by a local mall. “I would never have introduced myself if we had happened by chance to meet at the mall,” Jean says, “and I probably would have brushed him off if he had tried to talk to me. But we had introduced ourselves already by computer, and I was very comfortable being with him. I wasn’t shy at all.”
Going online levels the dating playing field for introverts like Jean; she started with a pool of candidates who preferred the quiet type. Going online also offers a chance to get to know someone without the artificial pressure of a bar scene, party, or blind date. Emails break the ice before meeting, which sets the stage for conversations that are much richer and more natural than, “Come here often?”
Roadblock No. 2: Waiting for Personal Improvement
“I want to get a face-lift first.”
“I plan to get my teeth whitened.”
“I need to lose 25 pounds.”
Those are some of the excuses I’ve heard women give for postponing online dating. But I don’t believe in waiting until everything about you is perfect. I’ll tell you why.
When my first husband and I split up, I looked the absolute worst of my life. The anxiety of the divorce caused me to drop down to a stick figure of 89 pounds. Medicine I was using caused my skin to break out in red, scaling acne. Then a Fifth Avenue hairdresser had a creative vision of me as Winona Ryder. Just when I could have used some hair to hide behind, my face was exposed by the pixie cut from hell. Actually, cut isn’t the right word; it was more like a shearing. Let me also mention that I was wearing braces with rubber bands to correct my overbite.
There was nothing going for me -- no body, no cute face or hair. I couldn’t even smile because the braces chafed when I did. And yet I met someone, a wonderful person that I dated for a while and then corresponded with for two years.
I’m all in favor of self-improvement, but your social life can move forward online while the metamorphosis takes place
Roadblock No. 3: What if someone I know sees the ad?
After seven years of being single, Chris, a 45-year-old banker, wanted to go online but hesitated because she felt vulnerable. “I feel safer just staying at home,” she told me. “I work in a man’s world, and if a client saw my ad, I think I’d be mortified.”
“You know, you don’t have to post something that looks like an escort-service ad,” I replied. “And what would it mean if a client did see your profile? It would mean that he’s probably an online dater like you! You’d have something in common -- you both think it’s smart and modern to optimize your options, and so much more dignified than going to a bar. Besides, more than 15 million people over age 30 try online dating, so it’s not as if you’re by yourself in this. Wanting a loving relationship and going for it is a very human, very sane thing to do. What’s oddball is for a beautiful woman like you to live without companionship, fun, and passion.”
Since Chris was still cautious, I suggested that she visit AARPmagazine.org. The site offers a free, interactive Personal Ad Maker that’s fast and straightforward. Chris could compose a profile that kept personal information to a minimum so that there was nothing to embarrass her. I pointed out that she could be more revealing when she reached the email stages of dating.
Chris agreed to post.
Roadblock No. 4: It’s Not Romantic
Chris is not the only woman out there who wants love to stop by and ring her doorbell. We all hope for those effortless encounters. We’re thrilled by stories of the strangers who sit together on a train and feel an instant connection, or the former sweethearts who see each other again at their high school reunion and decide to marry. I know these kind of romantic fantasies can come true.
I also know that being practical and helping Cupid out a little can be a better route to romance.
I thought I wanted a sweet, average guy. I wound up with someone who far exceeded my expectations -- the smartest, funniest, most interesting person I’ve ever known.
The way I envisioned meeting him was by pushing a key and there he’d be: my cyber-darling. I didn’t realize at first how important it was to search seriously. It wasn’t until I screened thousands of men on dating sites and corresponded with more than a hundred that I became truly discerning. The process was my schooling in emotional maturity.
Every online couple I know considers their story a modern romance. For example, instead of reciting a poem at her wedding two years ago, 51-year-old Stephanie Fischer read her husband Jim’s first email to her. “This,” she said, “is why I’m marrying this man.”
Isn’t that romantic?
Roadblock No. 5: Does It Work?
After her divorce, 55-year-old Susan realized a lifelong dream of moving from suburban Illinois to metropolitan New York. She loved the city and her new job as an editor, but she missed the robust social life she had enjoyed back home. Days would go by with no one to talk to.
When I met Susan at church, I thought she’d be a perfect candidate for online dating. She felt she was too busy with her career to invest time on a long shot. “Besides,” she said, “there’ll be no men in my age group.”
I got her business card and emailed her some stats, such as close to 40 million people visit online dating sites every month; 60 percent of them are men; more than 40 percent of all visitors are over age 30.
"Clear the roadblocks to your online dating success" continues here
Excerpted from "The Boomer's Guide to Online Dating" by Judsen Culbreth (c) 2005 by Judsen Culbreth. Excerpted by permission of Rodale, Inc.
Judsen Culbreth author of "The Boomer's Guide to Online Dating" has more than 30 years of experience in magazines and TV journalism, serving as editor-in-chief of Working Mother, executive director of Redbook, and the first work/family contributing editor on the Today show. With her husband, she divides her time between Montclair, N.J., and Fairhope, Ala. She is online at judsenculbreth.com.
Back to top
More Dating: Tips & Advice
