Are You Open to Finding Love?

The Chance Meetings Quiz for Women

By Jan Newman with Joyce Hoffspiegel, Ph.D.
Special to Yahoo! Personals

Read each vignette and imagine what your reaction would be if this situation were happening to you. Choose one answer: agree or disagree.

Agree	Disagree
		1. You’re at a colleague’s home for a Friday night get-together. There’s a large crowd of people from different circles, and you meet an attractive man who indicates he’s there on business and lives in another state. He tells you that he is newly out of a long-term relationship and hasn’t yet started dating again. At the end of the evening, Mr. New Guy invites you out to dinner for the following evening, his last night in town. You’re attracted to this guy but know little about him. You decide to decline this date because you feel more comfortable checking him out (e.g., discussing him with your colleague) before you venture out. After all, he’s almost a complete stranger, and furthermore, everyone knows it’s best not to date someone newly separated. You might wind up being his “transitional girlfriend,” the one who precedes the next permanent relationship.
		2. You’re finding it difficult to concentrate. You’re at a large conference, seated next to an attractive, interesting man who chats with you attentively in between the conference presentations. You part at the end of the day without exchanging personal information, yet somehow you must be destined to meet again. After dinner you notice that he’s sitting alone in the hotel’s lounge, listening to music. You gather your nerve, approach him and ask if he’d like some company.
		3. You’ve been offered a last-minute free cruise to the Caribbean. While there isn’t any problem taking off from work, you hesitate because you know this is generally a couples cruise. You contemplate that you’ll be dining, taking excursions and engaging in activities with unknown strangers and/or you might often be alone and viewed as “pathetic” by the other coupled passengers. Nevertheless, you decide to take a chance and accept this tempting offer. After all, how bad can this vacation be? It’s free, and you can always read or take solo excursions at the cruise’s ports of call. You refuse to define yourself as inferior because you choose to travel solo.
		4. You feel it’s futile to try to meet new men until you lose weight, have corrective surgery, whip yourself into better shape with exercise, or have a complete makeover. You believe that although you’re at least averagely attractive, you need to be a knockout to compete in today’s dating world.
		5. During the last three years you’ve done at least one of the following activities: joined a new club, tried a new sports activity, taken a course for fun, volunteered for a cause, joined a new social group, entertained new people at your place.
		6. You have no interest in cars, boats or planes, but your girlfriend has invited you to a weekend sailing event, where you’re told you might meet many eligible sailing-type men. You decide to be “true to yourself” and refuse the invite. You feel it’s best to engage in activities that fall within your interest level. You just wouldn’t feel authentic talking to these kinds of guys.
		7. This attractive guy ran a stop sign and hit your car, resulting in minor damage to your car’s fender. Although you are both unhurt, the two of you are both visibly shaken by this mishap. During your formal exchange of car information, he politely suggests you pull over to the next coffee shop and talk over some java. He acknowledges responsibility for the accident and attempts a feeble joke about “running into the girl of my dreams.” You find him interesting and feel safe in possession of his pertinent identification information. Nevertheless, you decide he is flaky and irresponsible, based on his accident-related behavior. You question his recklessness running the stop sign and are put off by his anxious behavior and joke. You refuse to have anything further to do with this man and go on your way.
		8. While hiking alone in your favorite local park, you enter into conversation with a fellow male hiker who identifies himself as a local resident. He seems genuine, kind and interesting, but he is not your “type” (he’s a bit too thin or too chunky; young or old; blonde or brunette; short or tall, etc.). He gives you his business card and suggests you call him if you’re interested in getting together. Since he’s not exactly what you have in mind for a mate, and you know nothing more about him, you immediately reject his offer, letting him know there’s no chance of a meeting.
		9. You have an iron-clad rule that you will never cancel a social appointment with a girlfriend even if you have the opportunity to participate in another activity where you are likely to meet a new man. You stick to this rule even if you have ample time to reschedule your get-together with your girlfriend.
		10. You often cancel or fail to schedule new social activities because you believe your true commitment should be caring for family or friends, and that your social needs come last.

Your Score

Rating Scale

Give yourself one point for each of these questions answered in this manner:

1. disagree, 2. agree, 3. agree, 4. disagree, 5. agree, 6. disagree, 7. disagree, 8. disagree, 9. disagree, 10. disagree

Analysis

If you scored 0-3:

This is the time for you to be brave. You are so risk-averse that you are finding every reason not to be proactive in meeting someone. Finding a mate (especially after the age of 30) is like finding a job. You are going to need to counter all of your negative self-talk with positive self-coaching. Do an emotional stretch and start coming up with ways to meet new people. A date is not a commitment for marriage. Meeting and interacting with new friends of the opposite sex is your first big step out into the world of making new relationships. Stop being a perfectionist. Neither you nor your date needs to be a perfect 10 for you both to be happy. Just by taking baby steps in this direction, you will put yourself in the world of potential relationships. You need to make a choice: will you be a withdrawn hermit, or are you going to make opportunities to have love in your life?

If you scored 4-6:

You are on your way, but you are ambivalent about taking all the steps you need to meet your mate. Go through this quiz and figure out where you are hung up. Stop generalizing old hurts, wounds and rejections to the entire population of the opposite sex. Get creative and make this a PRIORITY. Stop putting this off for tomorrow. Life is passing you by. Yes, it does take work to do this and face this. Congratulate yourself for all the good steps you have already taken. You are halfway there.

If you scored 7-9:

Pat yourself on the back. You are taking many positive steps internally and externally to meet the love of your life. But don’t get derailed. Examine those areas that you are doing right and do them even better. You have a generally positive attitude toward yourself and the opposite sex and have many of the essential qualities that you need for lasting love. Figure out small ways to polish up these qualities, and move forward to a meaningful and loving relationship. Hang in there.

If you scored 10:

You are home free. So why don’t you have a mate? It could happen when least expected!

Jan Newman, author of "Chance Meetings That Tied the Knot: Finding Love When Least Expected," has spent the past 30 years facilitating conversations about new ideas, new products and services in her role as a focus group moderator. Her research projects always have her crisscrossing the country, allowing her to collect intriguing stories of people's chance meetings. The concept for the book came from a chance meeting in 1968. She met her husband unexpectedly and has been truly, madly, deeply in love with him ever since. Her web site is ChanceMeetingsThatTiedTheKnot.com

Joyce Hoffspiegel, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Palo Alto, California. She received her Ph.D. from Rutgers University’s Institute for Cognitive Studies researching social cognitive development, particularly the role that feelings play when we first form an impression of a new person. She specializes in psychotherapy with high-functioning professionals in leadership positions. She also runs two insight-oriented psychotherapy groups for clients who want to sharpen their relationship skills and gain deeper insight into their own personalities. Her web site is hoffspiegel.org

Return to the first page of this article

Search for Singles Near You

NOTICE: We collect personal information on this site. To learn more about how we use your information, see our Privacy Policy.