Are You Open to Finding Love?

The Chance Meetings Quiz for Men

By Jan Newman with Joyce Hoffspiegel, Ph.D.
Special to Yahoo! Personals

Read each vignette and imagine what your reaction would be if this situation were happening to you. Choose one answer: agree or disagree.

Agree	Disagree
		1. You’re at a colleague’s home for a Friday night get-together. There’s a large crowd of people from different circles, and you meet an attractive woman who indicates she’s readily available and lives in another state. She tells you that she is newly out of a long-term relationship and hasn’t yet started dating again. At the end of the evening Ms. New Gal invites you out to dinner for the following evening, her last night in town. You’re attracted to this woman but know little about her. You decide to decline this date because you feel more comfortable checking her out (e.g., discussing her with your colleague) before you venture out. After all, she’s almost a complete stranger, and furthermore, everyone knows it’s best not to date someone newly separated. You might wind up being her “transitional boyfriend,” the one who precedes the next permanent relationship.
		2. You’re finding it difficult to concentrate. You’re at a large conference, seated next to an attractive, interesting woman who chats with you attentively in between the conference presentations. You part at the end of the day without exchanging personal information, yet somehow you must be destined to meet again. After dinner you notice that she’s sitting alone in the hotel’s lounge, listening to music. Realizing that you might be making a jerk out of yourself, you gather your nerve, approach her and ask if she’d like some company.
		3. You were badly hurt by the girl of your dreams eight years ago. Now you are bored, lonely and horny as hell. You are too afraid of getting mortally wounded again, so you have not allowed yourself to get emotionally or physically close to a woman. When opportunities to meet a woman show up, you tend to nix them.
		4. You feel it’s futile to try to meet new women until you lose weight, buff yourself up, get rid of your gut, find a better job and have more to offer. You believe that although you’re at least averagely attractive, you need to be more “with it” to compete in today’s dating world.
		5. During the last three years you’ve done at least one of the following activities: joined a new club, tried a new sports activity, taken a course for fun, volunteered for a cause, joined a new social group, tried a dating service.
		6. You have no interest in cooking, wine or golf, but a male friend has invited you to a weekend event in Napa focused on these events, where you’re told you might meet many eligible women. You decide to be “authentic” and refuse the invite. You feel it’s best to engage in activities that fall within your interest level. You just wouldn’t feel comfortable in this situation.
		7. While hiking alone in your favorite local park, you enter into conversation with a fellow female hiker who identifies herself as a local resident. She seems genuine, warm and interesting, but she is not your “type” (she’s a bit too thin or too chunky; young or old; blonde or brunette; short or tall, etc.). She gives you her business card and suggests you call her if you’re interested in getting together. Since she’s not exactly what you have in mind for a mate, you chuck her card at the first trashcan.
		8. This attractive woman ran a stop sign and hit your car, resulting in minor damage to your car’s fender. Although you are both unhurt, the two of you are both visibly shaken by this mishap. During your formal exchange of car information she politely suggests you pull over to the next coffee shop and talk over some java. She acknowledges responsibility for the accident and attempts a feeble joke about “running into the guy of my dreams.” You find her interesting but decide she is flaky and irresponsible, based on her accident-related behavior. You question her recklessness running the stop sign and are put off by her anxious behavior and joke. You decide not to explore more about this woman’s personality or have anything further to do with her, and go on your way.
		9. You have been dating the same woman for a long time, yet there are some crucial factors that prevent you from asking her to be your wife. She is a lovely person and gets along great with your family and friends, but she just doesn’t possess all your major criteria for a permanent, lasting relationship. You know that you can’t change her, so you do nothing and continue the relationship. You are in gridlock and can’t seem to move forward.
		10. You’ve been offered a last-minute free cruise to the Caribbean. While there isn’t any problem taking off from work, you hesitate because you know this is generally a couples cruise. You contemplate that you’ll be dining, taking excursions and engaging in activities with strangers and/or you might often be largely alone and viewed as “pathetic” by the other coupled passengers. Nevertheless, you decide to take a chance and accept this tempting offer. After all, how bad can this vacation be? It’s free, and you can always read or take solo excursions at the cruise’s ports of call. You refuse to define yourself as a loser because you choose to travel solo.

Your Score

Rating Scale

Give yourself one point for each of these questions answered in this manner:

1. disagree, 2. agree, 3. disagree, 4. disagree, 5. agree, 6. disagree, 7. disagree, 8. disagree, 9. disagree, 10. agree

Analysis

If you scored 0-3:

This is the time for you to be brave. You are so risk-averse that you are finding every reason not to be proactive in meeting someone. Finding a mate (especially after the age of 30) is like finding a job. You are going to need to counter all of your negative self-talk with positive self-coaching. Do an emotional stretch and start coming up with ways to meet new people. A date is not a commitment for marriage. Meeting and interacting with new friends of the opposite sex is your first big step out into the world of making new relationships. Stop being a perfectionist. Neither you nor your date needs to be a perfect 10 for you both to be happy. Just by taking baby steps in this direction, you will put yourself in the world of potential relationships. You need to make a choice: will you be a withdrawn hermit, or are you going to make opportunities to have love in your life?

If you scored 4-6:

You are on your way, but you are ambivalent about taking all the steps you need to meet your mate. Go through this quiz and figure out where you are hung up. Stop generalizing old hurts, wounds and rejections to the entire population of the opposite sex. Get creative and make this a PRIORITY. Stop putting this off for tomorrow. Life is passing you by. Yes, it does take work to do this and face this. Congratulate yourself for all the good steps you have already taken. You are halfway there.

If you scored 7-9:

Pat yourself on the back. You are taking many positive steps internally and externally to meet the love of your life. But don’t get derailed. Examine those areas that you are doing right and do them even better. You have a generally positive attitude toward yourself and the opposite sex and have many of the essential qualities that you need for lasting love. Figure out small ways to polish up these qualities, and move forward to a meaningful and loving relationship. Hang in there.

If you scored 10:

You are home free. So why don’t you have a mate? It could happen when least expected!

Jan Newman, author of "Chance Meetings That Tied the Knot: Finding Love When Least Expected," has spent the past 30 years facilitating conversations about new ideas, new products and services in her role as a focus group moderator. Her research projects always have her crisscrossing the country, allowing her to collect intriguing stories of people's chance meetings. The concept for the book came from a chance meeting in 1968. She met her husband unexpectedly and has been truly, madly, deeply in love with him ever since. Her web site is ChanceMeetingsThatTiedTheKnot.com

Joyce Hoffspiegel, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Palo Alto, California. She received her Ph.D. from Rutgers University’s Institute for Cognitive Studies researching social cognitive development, particularly the role that feelings play when we first form an impression of a new person. She specializes in psychotherapy with high-functioning professionals in leadership positions. She also runs two insight-oriented psychotherapy groups for clients who want to sharpen their relationship skills and gain deeper insight into their own personalities. Her web site is hoffspiegel.org

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