Mom Wants To Date -- Her Daughters Say, "No"
Sheila Ellison answers your questions about dating for single parents and after divorce
I have been divorced for more than two years and separated for almost four.
How do you know when its right to start dating again? I have three great teenage girls but they
think it's great if I don't see anyone so they don't have to share me. I love my girls endlessly
but miss the companionship of a date. What should I do? -- Charlotte, 37, Jacksonville, N.C.
If you've been divorced for more than two years, you're likely ready to start dating.
If you feel energy towards the idea of dating, wish you were going out on a date instead of
sitting at home, and no longer feel like you're bitter or grieving the loss of your marriage,
it's time to move on, which might include the exciting adventure of falling in love.
Of course your teenage daughters want you all to themselves, but you can love them
endlessly and still have a life of your own. Try explaining it like this. "You love me and
enjoy spending time with me, but you also have friends your own age, parties, dates, and fun
things that you look forward to that are appropriate for your age. I want and need to spend
time with friends my own age, which includes men."
Don't make excuses to your daughters, or try to get them to agree or give you permission,
and don't introduce them to any of the men you date unless you are in a serious relationship.
You are entitled to a private life, just as they are-which as teens they are sure to understand.
Doesn't know how to date
I have just come out of a long term, controlling relationship (married for
11 years) and I wasn't really allowed to have friends. We didn't go out socially very much,
I spent my free time with my children. I am an attractive lady, however I don't know how
to date and where to go when someone asks me out. I love people and I appreciate stimulating
conversation. How should I get back into dating? -- Samantha L., 33, Louisville, Ky.
I'd start the dating process by taking steps to gain female friendships. Then move onto
male friendships. Look for ways where you can make good girlfriends -- mothers of your children's
friends, community groups, a class or club. Look for women you can go out with, have fun with and
talk to.
From there you will regain your social footing, remember who you were before you were
imprisoned in your marriage. Once you take this step dating will be easy; you'll be out meeting
new people through your girlfriends, interesting clubs, or whatever other social groups you
decide to join. When you feel confident and ready, you'll feel the energy within you grow,
you'll begin to be attracted to men you meet, or at least interested in getting to know them better.
From there you need to work at dating like you would any other goal you might set.
Two strikes and you're out?
I have been married twice and am about to be divorced for the second time.
My first husband was emotionally/verbally abusive. My second husband is some of the same only
he is an alcoholic and lies to me about everything! I want to divorce him, but I am worried
about men not wanting to date me when they find out I have been divorced twice. Am I being
unreasonable or is it harder for women who have been twice
divorced? -- Cassandra P., 32, Aberdeen, S.D.
If I were a man dating you I'd be more worried about the fact that you stayed with an
alcoholic, abusive man because you were afraid of what men might think! I don't think
it's the number of times you divorce that's important, rather what you learn from the relationship.
In both marriages, you've chosen a man from whom it was impossible to create the relationship
you want and deserve. So, if you do decide to file for divorce, make a pact with yourself to
take a serious look at the patterns and experiences in your life that keep leading you to chose
men who are emotionally abusive.
You want to make sure that when you begin the dating process next time around, you begin
confident in the woman you are, having worked through the healing process, and sure of what
you want from a relationship. Drop the pretense of trying to please the men you date and stop
worrying about what others will think of you. Try again -- but this time set higher standards,
hold your ground and believe that you deserve to be loved.
Too far out?
I think I've found someone who interests me and I am interested in starting
a relationship. He lives about 100 miles from me. I have teenage daughters who would not
relocate for anything. How do I handle this situation in case it appears? Also, he wants
someone within 50 miles of his home. How do I handle this distance between our homes? --
Renee B., 45, Haleyville, Ala.
I wouldn't throw out what might be a wonderful relationship on account count of 50 miles!
You need to remember that no relationship is a waste of time, every interaction we have can be a
learning experience. We learn about ourselves, we see our good and bad patterns of relationship
come to life, and we expand on our list of what we want from a long-term committed relationship.
Your girls are teenagers, so it may not be too long before you could make a decision to
relocate, if the relationship moved in that direction. Go with your intuition here, if you feel
you've found a match on many other levels, talk to him about the distance issue and see what
happens. He may have reservations too -- but with a little creative problem solving,
it may not be a big hurdle to overcome. On the other hand, if you feel after meeting with him a
few times that the situation/distance is unbearable, be true to your feelings.
Sheila Ellison is leading a year-long course for women titled Life Design After Divorce. She is the author of "The Courage to Love Again: Creating Happy, Healthy
Relationships After Divorce," "The
Courage to Be a Single Mother: Becoming Whole Again After Divorce," " How Does She Do It? 101 Life Lessons
from One Mother to Another," and "If Women Ruled the World" as well as six bestselling parenting books. She is the founder of SingleMomsConnect.org, a non-profit organization that connects single mothers in a one-to-one friendship that offers practical, emotional, and physical support as each woman rebuilds her life. She has appeared on "Oprah," NBC's "Later Today, and "The Early Show" on CBS. Her web site is completemom.com.
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