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Readers talk back about recent topics on Yahoo! Personals
Date-attracting tactics
When to make a profile unsearchable
Stacy D. Phillips' article, "27 ways to know if you've found the right relationship"
Great questions for sparking online conversations
Great ideas for first dates
Date-attracting tactics
The Yahoo! Personals poll asked, Which dating tactic would you be most likely to employ to score a date? See the poll results. With the poll we asked, what is the most unusual tactic you have used to score a date? Here's what you said:
I sent a dozen roses to a woman I met on an airplane. Since I live in Los Angeles and she lived in San Francisco, this was my way of being charming while asking for a date. I got the date. -- John S.
Probably the most "unusual" tactic today is to just be yourself. Maybe you'll get fewer first dates that way, but you'll definitely get more second dates! Works for me! -- Gene B.
I tell them I am a rock singer and sing to them although I only play locally. -- Gene M.
I just be honest and be myself. -- Freddy O.
I once took my best friend's twin two-year-old girls to the mall. It was like having a chick magnet. Women would ask, "how old are your daughters?" and I would reply, oh I wish they were mine! -- E.C.
This has nothing to do with a tactic, but one time, in a club, I was wearing a sweater, and passed by a woman with a wristwatch. I got my sweater caught in her watchband, and I said, "We haven't even been introduced, and we're already so attached to each other!" We dated for the better part of three years. She just wanted different things than I did in the long run, but that is my most unique tactic. -- Lawrence B.
When to make a profile unsearchable
The Yahoo! Personals poll asked, you're dating someone you met through Yahoo! Personals, when would you expect them to make their profile unsearchable? See the poll results. With the poll we asked if here any hard and fast rules about when to make profiles unsearchable? Here's what you said:
If two people mutually agree on a subject like when to remove their profiles, that is fine, but nobody should force anyone to do anything they do not want to do. This is the U.S.A.! Accept the other person's decision or move on. -- David L.
No rules are ever hard and fast however, if I like someone enough to go on four or five dates within a 45-day period, then maybe it's time to make the profile unsearchable. I met a woman whom I enjoyed. She kept looking and her profile showed she had been active within 24 hours for the entire two weeks before our next date. I thought it was indiscreet on her part. -- Paul B.
I usually make my profile unsearchable when we get to holding hands and kissing -- when things get more serious. -- Chris J.
Of course every relationship is different and this may vary slightly, but waiting too long strongly indicates the person is a player, while taking the ad down right away could indicate the person is a patsy. Both are not the right person. It is an emotional subject. Give the relationship time to grow before making, or expecting, a commitment. End eight months usually is tops to wait. -- Patti J.
When you are living with the person that you made a commitment to you probably should not be "searchable" any longer! -- Jo C.
Immediately after becoming intimate. When your relationship becomes sexual -- regardless of whether it is after the first date or sixth -- the relationship should become exclusive, and given time to develop. Any other way for most people is generally going to cause pain for one or the other. The more pain a person suffers, the harder it is to gain trust in any other relationship that follows. -- Mary C.
I believe the answer to this question is that I want what's best for my partner even if I totally disagree with the facts or her decisions. -- Dave
Anyone who worries about when to make a profile unsearchable is probably a control freak and should spare the rest of us from ever having to meet her or him! -- Paul B.
"27 ways to know if you've found the right relationship"
Readers continue to weight in on Stacy D. Phillips' article, "27 ways to know if you've found the right relationship for you." Here are their latest comments:
All these questions are good for young relationships. However, what about older relationships, like for the over 40-60 group. Should consider other items such as agreement on wills, or estate planning where each person has children from previous relationships. Items like funeral and burial plans are also big items. -- Ann F.
I beg to differ! True love should provide room for sacrifice and allowing for differences. What's wrong with having different likes and dislikes? You wouldn't expect your soul mate to be a carbon copy of you, would you *** to be someone who would acquiesce at every single detail in order to avoid a dispute -- a dispute which usually leads to a candle night dinner, words of apologies and what usually follows! I am totally against the perfect match concept. -- Majed I.
"How he treats his mother" -- so here's another person who equates motherhood with sainthood? -- George H.
I believe the author of this advice is being a lawyer and not a dating guru. I have studied intensely for two years the work of a man named David DeAngelo who is legendary in the dating scene for men who are looking to get results with women. I have been trained by DeAngelo to never talk about most of the issues brought up in the Phillips article. These are issues that will kill any potential relationship if they are discussed not bring anyone closer together. -- Dave H.
I just wonder how many exact matches to those 25 questions does the author require for there to be a match, all of them, part of them, etc.? There is no way in all honesty someone can say, "I love everything about a person." So is there any room for compromise? Besides, isn't the ability to compromise key in making a lasting relationship? -- Jeff R.
Some other items to consider are how each other considers emotional vulnerability. How open and genuine can you be? How open are you to intimate communication and to dealing with each other's sexual versatilities? How forgiving are you? How kind? -- Max B.
Add to the list: Do you share enough interests? Conversely, do you have enough differing interests to (1) make each other's life more interesting and (2) give each of you enough space? -- Thomas G.
I think that this list is very cute. Some people are stuck in their ways and sometimes it causes problems in a relationship. -- Basil Z.
Another question: Does he or she prefer Star Wars or Star Trek? -- Bonnie L.
This list is mostly extremely obvious qualities one finds out in the initial stages of screening with online dating and early dates. Some of the most critical things were missing like (1) Percentage of time one wants to be alone vs. "together" time, (2) how much change and stimulation does each like, are they vastly different, (3) similar energy levels, (4) is there enough mutual respect, attraction aside, (5) is it one person's style to solve problems and communicate directly while the other person likes to be indirect and oblique, (6) do you have a shared vision, and (7) is one of you a tightwad while the other likes to spend, spend, spend? -- Holly G.
There are two points you left out: First, though love is essential, don't
rush into the relationship. You don't need a prenuptial, which in essence is
what your 27 questions are. With time you will know if the person is right for
you. Second, trust is the most important factor in a relationship.
Over time you will know if this person is trustworthy. The way this person has
dealt with other relations and the environment he or she was raised in (e.g.
divorced parents) are much more important than any of the other questions you
raised. -- Bob A.
Umm, how about sexual compatibility? That's like 30 percent of a relationship! -- Dave G.
Add #28: What is your financial situation? You need to make sure you're not getting into a serious relationship with someone who is in way over their heads in debt. -- George S.
I believe you are correct with this. I read all those points and many of them contributed to ending my second marriage. It may sound superficial, but it is the nit picking, little nonsense things that couples argue about. -- TammyLynn P.
Another item you would want to consider is your new love's timeliness in making decisions. Some people take care of tasks immediately; others can take months to accomplish something. It wasn't the only downfall of our relationship, but my ex-spouse and I would have fights over fixing up the house. He would start a project and then put it off for months to finish. I was more of the "if you start something, finish it" belief and we would get in arguments because he had numerous tasks started, but would never finish them. -- Sue P.
This article leans toward the young, never been married naive crowd. No mention of past sexual partners, prior relationships, and ALL of us need to be extremely aware of STDs. That should be number one on the question list. A good indication of sincerity lies in the number of sexual partners one has had. -- J.W.
Some of the things don't matter. I see the list as people's expectations! I have learned to stop putting my expectations on others. They always fall short. I will never find the person that meets all my expectations -- Lyndon
Sorry, darlin', I've got to say you're being terribly unfair. I, like so many others, grew up in a nightmare. I have no contact with either of my parents to this day. One should be in jail the other needs serious psychiatric help. I'm not just saying this, even my brother who is an RN would agree. I think it would be more productive to suggest that if there is/was dysfunction in a person's family situation, that you find out how it has had an impact on their lives, and how they've dealt with it. -- Laurel G.
In addition to those great questions should be the gut feeling or intuition. Nagging negative feelings about anything either in general, specific about the intended or just any inclination that you might have that isn't completely on the up-and-up needs to be further investigated. You cannot just brush these feelings off as unimportant. If it is something that nags or pulls at your heartstrings, I think it is worthy of your attention. -- CeeCee K.
More self-serving disinformation about relationships to convince the lonely that they need to read and subscribe to worthless online dating sites. What a shame! -- T.R.
Check the motives for getting into a relationship -- both hers (his) and yours. It's all about core values and rules of the relationship -- they have to match up for a successful relationship and be adaptable over time, as these change. You can't compromise on those. I can't stand that word compromise in this context -- a very destructive term because nobody ends up happy with the outcome in the long run. -- Harry R.
Kids... kids and kids! How you handle money with them and discipline and values and keeping the marriage and the kids lives separate? When is it time to grow up and cut the cord? How do you teach responsibility? How do you address these issues when you're marrying someone who already has children? A marriage cannot survive child manipulation if one parent feels guilty or responsible for every action of their children. -- F.G.
I can't believe you even considered publishing such a shallow and superficial article. Who cares what music or furniture the other person likes? I know if I am in love with a person I would not care at all. One thing, though, bad financial situations can destroy a marriage so finding out how financially responsible your significant other is may be important. -- Melissa V.
In today's world politics are important. I am conservative and there have been many times that people I have met won't accept my views. There is a lot different in debating and arguing. Today it seems that arguing is all that is there. I do not mind debate with the woman I care for, but arguing over what we both feel is right cannot be good. -- Cory K.
The list is appropriate for the getting-to-know-someone stage. Questions are very good if you get a straight answer. For women especially, trust your instincts about what you observe and what you hear in conversations. -- Kay T.
To your list, add who controls the checkbook and how much debt is acceptable? I hate debt and see that most guys are willing to live way outside what they can financially afford. -- Cindy G.
Most of the men I've dated would run very quick if these topics even came up in conversation. -- T.V.
The author is a lawyer not a couple's therapist and it really shows! Perhaps she has faced too many couples that have come to loath each other over the remote control and the temperature in the room. How different would her view be if she were seeing couples in love? Has she read the Songs of Solomon? Felt steadfast desire? If she has ever put her arms around the waist of a man that she has loved she would know that her insipid list is not a road map to becoming a happy couple. Yes, relationships are about practical matters but where's the soul? The lust? The embracing of that person's life as your own because your life is better because of them in yours? I think Ms. Phillips needs to get some groove. -- Beth B.
I have came to believe that we can calculate all we want, but when two people are committed to each other they will do anything to make their relationship work regardless of the differences they may encounter. The key here is to find no more than four or five must haves in a person to fit your criteria. Being too picky may just mean you will end up alone. I have concluded not to wait to meet that someone who will be perfect for me, rather I want to be perfect for someone. After all, isn't love a matter of being of service to someone and being there for them anytime they want and need us? -- Nadia B.
How about stepchildren? Whose side should one take? Partners in a marriage need to know not to take sides with their children whether they are right or wrong! Husbands and wives need to stand side-by-side in all circumstances regarding a stepchild trying to pit one parent against the other. -- Caroline S.
A marriage counselor or a psychologist would have been a better choice for offering questions. Some of the topics Ms. Phillips mentioned may be some everyday irritants, but what about the real issues in living with someone on a daily basis? What about knowing if that person will be there for you through the really hard times that everyone faces such as loss of health, loss of jobs, or loss of a loved one? Will they be your champion when you need one? There are many more important things to consider rather than these simplistic issues about furniture and which side of the bed will you sleep on. -- Jenelle B.
I don't agree that a woman who mistreats her father is more likely to mistreat her man. There could be other issues involved here like having a father who abused his daughter sexually, emotionally or physically. Did her father abuse her mother? Did he make his kids watch? Was her father an alcoholic who, when he got drunk, made it unsafe for everyone around him? -- Khushboo K.
When it comes to measuring longevity in a relationship, the truth is nothing replaces knowing yourself including what you will or will not accept in your life. Relationships are complex, dynamic entities. No two are the same! The biggest mistake we can make is not letting go of a past union and not allowing the current relationship to develop based on in its own uniqueness. -- Tyrone S.
After divorce, I spent time dwelling on how I could use my failed marriage to help me learn how to avoid disaster once again. Use these questions (plus anything else that comes to mind), spend a lot of alone time and dwell on your negative responses. Long-term relationships and marriages can bring out the worst in people. The negative issues seem to always become more intensified. Consider the matter of arguing productively. Do you and she forgive and forget? Can he/she move on? Also, consider communications. Do you feel comfortable expressing your needs fully and feel that she understands what you've been communicating? -- Mike C.
The things I want in a long-term relationship are brutal honesty or bluntness, compatible personalities, some common interests to share as well as some differing interests for relationship balance. Before marriage, it never hurts to ask questions about kids, religion, and political leanings. Also, talk about money matters before marriage. Money issues are one of the highest-ranking reasons people break up or divorce. Also, what does the relationship mean to both lovebirds: will it mean exclusivity? Will it mean it is OK for both lovebirds to lightly flirt with others but nothing heavy? Will the lovebirds want an "open relationship?" Nowadays it's extremely important to define the marriage or relationship boundaries for both parties. -- Nikki
There are more praises, pans and perhaps-you-forgots -- see the latest reader feedback.
Great questions for sparking online conversations
Readers continue to add to the list of questions they use in email conversations. To the original great questions list add:
If you were suddenly queen of the world, what would be your first new rule? -- Bill K.
I ask them to explain the meaning behind their screen name (unless it is obvious). I have been told that people rarely ask that question. -- Reed M.
Toilet paper over or under? -- Tara P.
Ask - what are your three best qualities, what are your three worst? Also, what is your favorite part of your body, then - what is your least favorite? -- Alistair K.
I will usually ask a guy, "What are the little things in life than you enjoy?" I'm not talking about major hobbies or anything like that, but just those little everyday things that will make you smile. I then give a couple of examples of the type of little things I mean. For instance, I happen to love just dozing on my bed in the late afternoon/early evening when the sun is streaming in the window directly on my face. I'm not sleeping, but just enjoying the rest with the sun on my face. It's a very warm feeling and one can only think happy thoughts then. I think you find out quite a bit about a person this way. Also, it's not something they're used to thinking about so seldom do you get a "canned" response. -- Kristyne H.
If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be? -- Becky D.
What defines compatibility between two individuals? And when do you personally know if you are compatible with someone? Also, thinking about the people who you most admire in your life, what attributes do they hold that makes them attractive and admirable to you? -- Christi U.
If you could pick just one it would be: attractive, intelligent or rich? -- Sandra
If you were a light bulb, what kind would you be and why? --Jason H.
For older singles, ask the other person to tell you about his or her family. If the man I'm communicating with doesn't want to brag about his kids, it's a bad sign! -- Kandi G.
What makes your heart pound? What makes your skin crawl? -- Belinda K.
What was the last movie you saw that made you cry? If she asks me the same question, I answer it (truthfully). This shows that I am emotional, and it will also tell me about what situations she can relate to. It's difficult to cry during a movie where you don't feel a personal connection. -- Chuck R.
What are three of your faults that you would like to change? Are you working on them now? -- Nancy
How was your day? (I ask because I really want to know and also because it helps me get to know a person better when they describe what they have been doing that day.) -- Cindy C.
When they make the movie about your life, what actor should portray you? -- Leslie R.
What's a nice person like you doing in a place like this? -- C.G.
If talent, ability and money were not factors, what job would you do? -- Ellen R.
What are your wants, dreams and desires? No cheating now. Think about them before you answer. -- Mark B.
(1) What was your favorite cereal as a kid? (2) What was your favorite cartoon as a kid? These questions have always worked for me -- they bring out the playfulness in a person and the subject matter is not too heavy. -- Vanessa M.
What does it take to keep your attention? -- Montgomery
The only way a relationship will stand is by having a solid foundation. Your list should be reduced to just one question: Where do you stand in "religious" beliefs? Solid relationships are the relationships that are held together by an external force, mainly God. Not just any god, but the god of the scriptures. If your relationship does not have that the foundation it is currently based on is soon to crumble. -- Andre
Got a question that works for you? Tell us
Great ideas for first dates
The Yahoo! Personals poll asked about general first-date preferences. Readers added their best ideas:
Going for a picnic on the beach while watching the sunset. -- Ashley
I once had a date on a deserted island (the kind in the middle of the road). It was a catered, black tie event, complete with a waiter and the perfect music and wine (and of course candlelight) -- Jody R.
A zoo, or a museum -- you get exercise by strolling, if you come up with one of those awkward "Silent moments", you can look at the animal or painting you are near, and discuss that. I think the zoo ideas the best. Animals are fun to watch, and you get to talk a lot. -- Leigh C.
I think a great date would be getting to know someone, maybe send flowers or tickets to go to a special place. -- Ramona
I recently enjoyed a great date: We had exchanged a few emails and decided to meet for breakfast; we had plenty of conversation and some good food in a nice place! Next, we drove to a nearby park, enjoyed the Japanese Garden, and then took a stroll through another section of the park. We rounded out the afternoon with dessert, coffee, and more conversation. I think the best part of the date was the easy give-and-take that the different venues provided, plus our conversation stayed pretty fresh & fun throughout the date. -- Anna K.
If it is a common interest, I like visiting a flea market and browsing together. You can find out quite a bit about someone based on what they look at or buy! Plus I might find something that I'm looking for too. -- Linda M.
For the outdoor people, consider white water rafting or the underground sea in the caverns of Tennessee. For indoor people, go to an unusual restaurant, a dinner theater, or an evening of dinner and dancing. -- Janet
How about a classical music concert or theater event at a local high school. It is inexpensive and the kids are very talented. -- Keith A.
I like to meet my new personals acquaintance at the local indoor flea market. While walking and talking you learn so much about the real likes and dislikes of your future date. -- I.M.
Visit the zoo. Pack a picnic lunch. He brings some items she brings others. Don't tell each other what you are bringing. The lunch and the animals are great conversation items. -- Barbara G.
Take a sunrise balloon flight ending with a champagne brunch, together. There are several balloon companies throughout the country that offer this experience. You can also share a sunset/twilight flight ending with a champagne dinner. If you want to do this in style, go to Sedona, Ariz. and take the flight through the Red Rocks. It is a truly awesome experience! They will even provide you with photos and certificates attesting to your flight. -- Mark R.
Suggest going for a long walk, on the beach, in the park, or around the lake, etc. Offer her your hand! If she takes it you are moving in the right direction! If she does not she isn't impressed --say good-bye! It has worked for me, several times. -- Jim C.
A great participatory event is to both show up for a volunteer project -- Special Olympics, a fund-raiser, a house restoration, or visiting the hospitalized/institutionalized/bedridden. Not only can such mutual participation be a great time of sharing, but revealing, expositive, even relationship enhancing! -- Elizabeth W.
I am a private pilot and I like to take dates to the airport control tower. They used to let you in and you could watch air traffic control bringing in airplanes by voice and could watch the radar operator work. Since 9/11 I don't know if they still let you or not. Anyway it was always interesting to me and quite a few others. -- Leonard F.
A unique toy store has always been one of my favorites. Years ago I was with a group heading to the mall. I got matched up with a young lady from sweetens. We tagged along behind the group. We came upon a wooden toy store and I pulled in. We had a blast browsing, playing with, and ogling over the toys. -- Brian J.
A motorcycle ride, but you have to be a motorcycle owner and rider, and a good one at that. And your date can't be afraid of bikes. -- Ken
After chatting on the phone for a couple of weeks, the guy I met on Yahoo!
Personals, asked if he could take me out on a date. He did make one request,
that he plan the date! I was excited about meeting a person who was willing
to take charge of the uncomfortable first-time-meeting experience. The date
he planed was outstanding!!
We met at the Bahama Breeze bar and had a drink and then off we went. I had
no idea what he had planned. We went own to the ferry docks in Seattle and lined
up to go to Bainbridge Island. When he paid the fare, he received two one-dollar
bills in change. He gave me one and kept the other as a memento. (I still have
it.) We went up to the restaurant and had a glass of wine to wait for the ferry
to come. The view was breathtaking. The ferry arrived and off we went. It was
a sunny day we had a great view of the water, the mountains, and the island
off in the distance and him, too!
It was almost dusk when we got to the island -- he drove around for a bit and
we find a trail and walked down to the water and watched the sun set. I was
thinking, how did he come up with all this? I can't even begin to express what
a great time we were having together!
After we return to Seattle on the ferry, her took me to an amazing place on
Capital Hill called King Fish. It's a small café serving soul food. The
atmosphere was wonderful and the food to die for. (I recommend their fried green
tomatoes.)
We met at 3 p.m. and now it was almost 10:50 p.m. It was already the most comfortable,
amazing, and refreshing date I have ever had, however the guy didn't stop there!
We had ordered the dessert to go from King Fish to go. Then, as he walked me back to my car, he asked me for a pen. Then, on the top of the box of chocolate cake he wrote a note to my roommate, saying he hoped the two of us will have a fun time with your girl talk and that he could not wait to meet my roommate, and that she should ask me about the kiss. (I didn't know what he had written until I got home.) After he finished writing the note, he asked me to turn to my right and he gave me a kiss on the cheek! It was so sweet and it was the perfect end to an absolutely perfect date! -- Spanky M.
Yes, go on a nice long nature walks through the trails and woods and see just how romantic that can be and it can put you in a very romantic mood. -- Helen K.
Go to church on Sunday morning and, if all goes well, breakfast after. If you
are seeking a faith-based relationship, it may as well start out that way! --
Debbie H.
I prefer to take a woman skiing or floating on our local river. This allows
me to be at my best and in an environment which I am comfortable. Usually I
will bring an Italian picnic and a bottle of California red. -- Robert P.
