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Readers talk back about recent topics on Yahoo! Personals
Yahoo! Personals poll: Discussion taboos
Real People, real moms, real good advice!
Stacy D. Phillips -- The right relationship for you
Wendy Diamond: Dating advice from man's best friend
Sean K. Murphy: Finding the right relationship
Betsy Prioleau: Love lessons from great seductresses
Great questions for sparking online conversations
Shawn David Jackson: Intimacy with your date's soul
Yahoo! Personals poll: Discussion taboos
The poll asked about what your date could discuss on a first date that would fascinate you? See the poll results. In addition, we asked about what topics would be taboo. The responses were overwhelmingly in agreement. Here's what you said:
Former spouse(es) -- Julia H.
(1) Sexual history, (2) How much money you make, and (3) Unsolicited advice on how you think your date could improve their looks/status/personality -- Amy
Children that aren't born yet. -- James M.
Ex-relationships in horrifying detail. If you are talking about it, you are not over it and not ready to date! -- Wendi C.
Marriage - Joyous
Your ex- anything is a no-no. -- Brett G.
Their last relationship, ex- spouses, and sob stories -- ERH
Previous relationships! I host 8minuteDating events and I hear from both sexes that this is a huge turnoff. Don't rag on the ex. -- Lisa A.
Money as in how much do you make. -- Roger B.
It's a toss up between a two topics: (1) Religious debating, and (2) Past relationships -- Heather
Serious health issues. -- Victoria H.
I can think of one, "The Truth behind 9-11." -- Martina
Unless you are talking about the plot of a movie like "Must Love Dogs" or "How to Lose A Guy in Ten Days" never talk about any of the worst dates you've been on or know any friend had. If my date directed conversation toward this topic, I would say, "I'm not sure where you are going here, could we talk about something else, if you don't mind?" -- Mark K.
I had one woman telling me about how she won't get naked the first two or three times she has sex with a new partner. This was on our first date and it was a real turn-off for sure. Guess it would be kind of one-sided huh? Yuk! -- Laura B.
How about before you even get to the first date and they need to borrow money? Every brake I have comes into play and I back peddle as fast as I can. -- Steve H.
If you are a widower what a saint your wife was. She's not
here anymore, I am. -- Diane C.
Real People, real moms, real good advice!
Readers added some tips of their own on the subject of single parents and dating:
I would take a single mother out and I would want to take her child out, too, just so they get to know I am not trying to take their mother away from them. -- Joseph M.
I am a middle-aged mother of a 13-year-old boy. My ex moved several states away, so I don't have the luxury of "every other weekend off." I also work full time and commute two hours each way to work, yet I have time to date. I make the time. My son is very responsible and I can leave him alone for several hours in an evening, but when he was younger he stayed at my best friend's house. Obviously, my situation doesn't lend itself to being with men who want someone who can spontaneously pick up and take off for parts unknown for entire weekends or travel extensively. This does put off some people but the ones who were willing to work around my schedule and didn't mind overcoming a few obstacles are the ones I was interested in dating. I also don't do "overnight" dates with men at their house or mine. In fact, I don't involve my son in my dating relationships unless I'm sure the person I'm dating will be around and wants a relationship with him. I might change the overnight rules if I was in a long-term committed relationship, but it hasn't come to that yet. My son always has a place where he can reach me and I always carry my cell phone, should he need to talk to me or in case of an emergency. (Plus he always has the number of someone he could reach in an emergency should he be unable to reach me). I've found that if a guy is really interested, he'll understand why I'm doing the things that I'm doing, especially if he has children, too. I make it clear that my son is not a burden, he's a blessing, and I am not looking for someone to be a "father" to him. His needs will always come first. Most men understand this. By the same token, if they have kids, I understand that flexibility is also necessary for them. It's not an ideal situation but it's what I have to work with, so I try to make the most of it. Some guys have even asked to include my son in movie dates or outings that would be appropriate for him to join in. At his age, he doesn't always want to be with me or any adult for that matter, but at least the resentment isn't there. Any guy who would want me to do any less for my son isn't someone I could respect or be involved with anyway. Adults have to make concessions for each other and the kids caught in the middle of divorce and dating, otherwise they aren't really adults. Happily, most men do "get" this without resentment on their part. In fact, most are grateful to find someone who understands the position that they are often in with their own kids. -- Marlaine D.
Single moms are great dates. They are much more appreciative of being on a date than a childless woman. Childless women act like they are doing you a favor by letting you share their company. The irony is that they make poor long-term relationship potential, for me at least, due to the fact that their children always will be first and foremost in their minds. -- Robert
What dating life? Honestly, since my husband passed away and my kids left, I feel overwhelmed to say the least. I don't know where to begin. I hardly go anywhere so this could be one major problem and I don't work either. I live alone and talk to hardly anyone but my kids and family once in awhile. I've liked a few men but have made a complete fool of myself by trying to be honest with my feelings for them. -- Mary
Stacy D. Phillips -- The right relationship for you
Readers continue to weight in on Stacy D. Phillips' article, "27 ways to know if you've found the right relationship for you." Here are their latest comments:
Most people forget about love being practical and it is usually best to consider this before actually falling in love (when it is most likely too late). Love is not all you need. But I noticed that some questions carry more weight than others (and this wasn't conveyed in the article). Some questions are life goals that should carry more weight than the preferences. I can answer positively 20 out of the 24 questions with my ex-husband. And you would think this is great! But it was the few life goals that we clashed on, which lead to the divorce. -- Jeanna J.
I have to agree with Larry C.'s response, emotional compatibility is a must. How an individual responds to the outside world and weathers the ups and downs of life are huge factors to consider when dating! -- Maggie K.
Even when you can say that you can guess the answer based on the responses to the other questions, there's one question missing -- political viewpoint. For me (European), it's one of the most important issues in a relationship. If you don't share a basic ideology, it's going to be hard to stay with somebody in a long-term relationship. -- Lucas
I wanted to make a checklist of things to avoid to prevent having my time/emotions wasted in a dead-end relationship. While I find Stacy's list a little on the shallow side, those issues will be important at some point. I don't think there is a one-size-fits-all list. Perhaps it would be a good idea for each person to make their own, based on core values. At the top of my list would be, are you over your past relationship? Is there any chance he/she will come back into your life? And, if he/she does come back, would you go back to that relationship? I have been amazed at how many (men in my case) are on the rebound! Get emotionally healthy before you jump into another relationship. -- Linda A.
What if the people looking for a match are seniors? Older couples may not be able to see how each other treats his or her parents -- likely they are the parents. I suggest studying how their children treat them. It's a measure of how well the children were reared. Some of us fail miserably as parents and this might show our partner how we would treat them. -- Josse L.
Only three questions need to be answered in any amiable relationship: (1) Does the person tell the truth? (2) Do they keep their promises? (3) Do they have a genuine desire to be with you? If you want to kill a relationship, just pull out that long laundry list. -- J.C.
While Larry C.'s questions are good, I believe they are invasive and that most people are not going to peel back the layer of the onion far enough to let you view those angles. Most of us don't look at them ourselves, why would we make them available for your critique and opinion? Frankly I don't have many issues but it you hit me with that list, I'd kick you to the curb. -- Morgan P.
You missed two big issues that, after 21 years of marriage, are the main reasons I've divorced my spouse. You need to have the same set of values. Second, consider communications. Some people grow up in homes where there was never any conflict. An emphatic or passionate tone is considered yelling in anger. Other families encourage passionate conversation. Everyone understands the passion is about the subject not the person who mentioned it. If you're from the passionate side and trying to hook up with a no-conflict, non-passionate type, watch out! People like this are prone to misinterpreting you all the time! Also watch out for those who seek to control what you talk about. If you find yourself not continuing on a thread of conversation because you're partner is making it clear that he or she is not interested -- especially if they do it in a passive aggressive way (which can include kissing to get you to stop) -- that lets you know your partner doesn't want to talk about what you want to talk about. That may be OK occasionally, but if it happens frequently, get out of the relationship. If someone honestly is interested in you, they'll want to hear what you have to say. -- Shelley M.
You forgot to add sex to your list -- everyday or twice a week? I think your list is great. I'm ready to use it with my "new love." -- K.H.
As you consider these questions, remember the answers they give you today and the action they show tomorrow may not be the same. Be observant and expose yourselves to all kinds of situations. Don't rely on what they say. -- Von7
It's the little things that add up. I see and hear about people rushing into relationships and overlooking the negatives they see that have been issues for them all of their lives. Believing that people will change or they can be changed is a fallacy. Actions speak louder than words. Don't be suspicious. Do be prudent in getting to know someone. Meet their family and friends. Go on a short vacation with the person. If there is a work event, attend it. Red flags are out there but too often people are blinded by their need to be loved or desired. Romance is one thing but love is another. If someone has no interest in your children now, that certainly won't suddenly change in the future. Take things gradually. If the other person wants to rush the relationship -- they're not truly compatible with you and you're better off to continue looking. Don't settle. -- Rick P.
I especially liked and agree with Larry C. Now that I am living with my fiancé, his true colors are coming out. He is very quiet and moody. He gave me the wrong impression of himself over the Internet and phone and our nine months of dating before I moved to another state to be with him. I am regretting the decision. -- Teresa P.
I agree with many of the responders to this article: too trite, too superficial, and definitely not geared towards those of us over 40 looking for second chances at love. Good points brought up included looking at your potential long-term mate in real-life situations as to how they handle disappointments, your family, animals, strangers, etc. I also felt the comment about how that person makes you feel was an important point. Why stick with someone who does not value who you are and contribute positively to your well being? Furniture? Who gets what side of the bed? In the general scheme of things - who cares what the surface looks like if you don't have the fundamentals of trust, respect, passion (and not just sexual passion either), and shared long-term visions. -- Diana S.
There are many different ways to check compatibility in any relationship. Here are a few I thought should be on your list: (1) How do they act around their friends? (2) What do they think about your friends? (3) Early riser or late morning? (4) Career and family goals? (5) How do they feel about separate vacations? (6) Do they trust you when you are not with them? (7) Do they give you enough personal space? (8) Are they punctual or generally late? (9) How do they feel about sharing vehicles or insurance? (10) This is the most important. How do they resolve personal conflicts? -- Dennis B.
Good questions. Although I believe that Ms. Phillips left out a very important question: premarital agreement or not? -- Judy M.
This is coming from a single parent with a 16-year-old girl who is 46 and never walked down the aisle yet in a white dress: (1) Marriage is man made so that commercial enterprises can make money, (2) The ceremony last less than one hour, but marriage is supposed to last a life time, and (3) Two people should decide to get married for life and throw out the lawyers list! -- Doodle F.
The demise of a relationship usually stems from the "little things." I think the article can serve its purpose but should not be the entire means of determining whether or not to continue or pursue a relationship. Compromise must be present to succeed and how you and your mate overcome these issues may tell you more about the other than any questionnaire. -- Larry J.
We are all here for the same thing, companionship whether it is through friends or a long-term relationship. I have found the article to be helpful but I do have my own list, I keep it taped to my computer desk, in sight while searching and chatting. My past relationships have taught me what I want and don't want in a serious relationship. Best rule of life: treat others the way you want to be treated! If someone doesn't have respect for themselves they won't have respect for you. Drop them like a hot potato. -- Sonia S.
There is one thing left out. This may be selfish on my part, but you should find out what kind of career the other person has had. I met this guy who is everything I want in a mate. We are compatible in many ways except that he does not have a career. That's why I'm pulling away from him. He's not very responsible and doesn't care too much about the future. I do. I think about the future all the time. I am always the one paying for things, so we can go out and do things. That turns me off. -- Melissa G.
Whatever happened to compromise? Do we have to be clones and agree on all these points to make a solid relationship? -- Elliana
What about second marriages when there are kids involved? What about age differences and child rearing tactics? Child rearing is a big issue that could destroy a marriage. -- Khani
I also think you can tell a great deal about your new mate by the way he treats his mother and how she treats her father. Observing how a person regards that parent is the key to forecasting how he or she will treat you! -- Yvette G.
I have another one, watch how a man drives his car, truck, motorcycle, etc., because that is how they will handle your relationship, (fast, careless, or slow, cautious). -- Dawn L.
Health and especially psychological well being are critical. Does your lover see a shrink? Has your lover been diagnosed with a disease? I married a wonderful, bright, and level-headed woman filled with joy, light, and love. In six weeks she became a small, insecure, depressed non-version of herself. She left me one day to live in a small room in her mother's attic with her two cats. She is still there, still bipolar. I do regret not fully knowing this woman. Your list is superficial, and largely irrelevant to marriage. Your list is a good start for the use of college students who must choose a dorm mate. -- Barry B.
Never take relationship advice from someone dedicated to destroying relationship. -- Frank.
To all the legal and marriage experts out there who want to help people with their relationships, I say, bug off! If you really like a person let them know and just learn to listen and respond back with your feelings. If there is a problem why yell at each other. Just clam down and talk and listen -- Henry W.
What about for gay couples? -- Ashitari
You forgot to mention sexual compatibility. Consider how often your mate expects sex. When I met my future husband he told me he liked to make love every morning and every night. This didn't seem like a bad idea at first. However, once we married I felt like sex was more of a routine. I eventually became disinterested in making love. I found my husband pleasuring himself while watching porn on the nights we didn't make love. Then it got to where porn had to be on while we were making love. His version was I no longer made sex interesting. We are now divorced. He was up front with me about his sex drive. I didn't have a problem with his ideas until the "newness" wore off. -- Traci C.
Try these: (1) How do you resolve arguments and can you stay on the subject of the argument. (2) Does your mate have a great heart? (3) Do you admire and trust this person? (4) Are you intellectually matched well enough to keep each other interested? (4) Do you have similar standards of right and wrong? (5) Have you discussed expectations you have of one another? -- Bob E.
My husband and I do not have a whole lot in common and we are very much in love. A real relationship is built on trust, respect and the ability to compromise. I believe that if you have God in your lives and you have mutual respect, no matter what your differences are, you will make your marriage work. Everyone is different and has different needs. -- Patrick S.
There are more praises, pans and perhaps-you-forgots -- see the earlier reader responses.
Wendy Diamond: Dating advice from man's best friend
Some readers took issue with Wendy Diamond's method for figuring out a man's personality based on the personality of the dog he owns:
If a man wrote an article comparing a woman's personality to a dog's, there would be a lot of furious women out there. This is demeaning. To compare all the facets and complications of a human being's personality to that of an animal, regardless of sex, and then to actually go so far as to treat that person like that animal goes too far. To discuss full-grown men in terms of "housebreaking" and "rewards" is degrading. -- Dustin M.
This article is sick and disgusting. Wendy Diamond needs to recognize the distinction between humans and animals. It's also wrong of you to put Will Smith's image up and then call him a "Rottweiler-Man" as the headline. How would you like it if I placed your picture up and called you a dog for the world to see? What else are you doing with your time? Get a life. -- Lazlo H.
Sean K. Murphy: Finding the right relationship
Here's what a couple of readers had to say about Murphy's suggestions:
I enjoyed what Sean Murphy wrote and my experience backs up his points. Though at times tiring, dating and being able to meet and be with many different people has enriched me and given perspective. While it is wonderful to share fulfilling moments with a companion, it is essential to feel good in oneself, be clear about your own interest and limitations, and know how to appreciate life and friends. Now let's hope that all I have learned about others and myself has made me better prepared for my next, maybe long-term, relationship. While some have not lasted, at least I know so far they have been rich and meaningful. -- Alison O.
The suggestion that if you do what you love then compatible love interests will find you is sheer nonsense. I have been single for 11 years. No matter how much you try to enjoy it, and make the best of it, after 11 years, it gets old. I'm sick of being the only woman in that group that isn't married, doesn't have a boyfriend, and hasn't had one for seven sexless years. It's not because I'm unattractive. Quite the contrary, men I have dated are pleasantly surprised by my looks. However, when you're female and over 35, the pickings are slim. Even when you do everything to try and meet men -- online dating, joining clubs, taking classes, you hardly meet anybody.
For example: I started playing hockey nine years ago to meet men. I thought it would be great because hockey is a male-dominated sport. I thought in a very short while, I would meet my guy, and we would be walking down the aisle. Well, in nine years of playing, I've become a pretty good skater, but the last time I had a date through playing hockey was about four years ago. In nine years of playing, I've dated three (single) guys I've met through the sport. You see, they're all married! I meet lots and lots of married men. But meeting a single guy anywhere near my age would be like finding the Holy Grail. So if I didn't actually try to meet men, if I followed your advice, I would be lucky if I had one date a year. -- Robin C.
Betsy Prioleau: Love lessons from great seductresses
In general, women disagreed and men agreed with Ms. Prioleau's In general, women disagreed and men agreed with Ms. Prioleau's historical observations:
I would be interested to know if Ms. Prioleau is already attached or not. Is she out there trying to find Mr. Right? I think not. I have been out there for too long and experienced too many guys who won't give you a chance to talk and be the seductress. They want someone who is young pretty and thin. They could care less about intelligence, etc. All you have to do is look at these personal ads you see and they all say that physical chemistry is important but what they say for their ideal mate is someone who is slender. Give me a break! -- Lisa
Bravo to the lady who fully understands us men, and is passing that knowledge on to others. Love is not something put together by the body, but by the mind. Our male bodies would screw a knothole if given the chance. What appeals to our male egos is the same thing that strokes women's egos: to feel needed, to know we are adequate in our endeavors, and that the body we are housed in appeals to our mate of the moment. -- Ben T.
Great questions for sparking online conversations
Readers continue to add to the list of questions to spark email conversations. (See their earlier additions here.) Their latest additions follow:
Many of us have children and as important as they are, as a woman I've found that when a man starts out his profile with, "My daughter or son or kids are the most important thing in my life," that is a red flag. I see that and I move on as many other woman do. That is not the way to attract a woman. If you want your kids to be first and want the world to know, then wait until they are old enough to be on their own. Then you can concentrate on finding a woman. -- C.C.
If a woman asks too many questions too soon, a man will simply walk away. Just because you have shared a few special moments doesn't entitle her to his life history, yet. He is entitled to his private and personal life, just as you are. When you have earned his trust he will share those things with you. In the meantime girls, as much as you want to know everything about your new wonderful man, don't ask! This advice comes from my nice, handsome 42-year-old son. Trust me it works. I captured the love of my life, 10 years my junior because I heeded his advice. -- Leslie B.
What do you feel is most wrong with our society today, and how can you work to help change it for the better? My answer: Be as active as is practical for you, politically, and, no matter how seemingly insurmountable the odds, never stop trying. Above all, if you can't be part of the answer, never be part of the problem! -- Danny
Shawn David Jackson: Intimacy with your date's soul
Here are a few of the many reactions we received about Mr. Jackson's article:
What do you do when you can't answer some of questions yourself? My dreams in life were shattered through divorce and death. So now, what's my dream or mission in life? I don't know. I'm not sure even how to feel anymore. I have lost my confidence in about everything and I don't know how to get it back. I've been to counseling and they say there's nothing pathology wrong with me, just that I'm not meeting the right man. I do have a strong faith in God. That's what keeps me going. If I'd get a dollar for every time I've been told what a nice person I am or that he'll come along when you least expect it, I'd be a millionaire. For now, I just don't know what direction to head in life. -- Linda
This is the same stuff you read over and over. I have been out in the dating world quite a while now. And after having been in therapy I now know the questions to ask. The ones in the article are fine at first, however there are other more important ones that a person cannot lie about. In other words no matter how they answer, it will tell you volumes about who they are! -- Shemails
I thought about these questions and then I realized something truly amazing! Most people who come to the personals have just gotten out of a relationship, and their self-esteem is low. They want to desperately seek out someone to replace the pain they are feeling. I know I was one of them, after being left for another woman, myself esteem took a dive, my moral was so low, and I had to find work, to raise our son, I couldn't function because I was so depressed. I had a lot of offers to date, but all they wanted was intimacy that I was not ready for. I wanted something more, but I couldn't define it.
Eventually I realized that I am responsible for my happiness, and if there is a special someone, then he will understand my soul is not something to be given away, but something to behold! In God's infinite wisdom your true self is your destiny, and those that share, see the glory and beauty of your character. When you love yourself, then others will love you! -- Janet
