About Dating & Relationships > The First Step to a Meaningful Encounter

Meeting new people, especially those who actually pique our interest, is a challenge for most of us. We may all hope to stumble upon our perfect match in a serendipitous twist of fate, but as an online dating coach my work has led me to agree that it doesn’t always work that way. In fact, finding that combination of best friend, lover and partner-in-crime is about the hardest thing in the world.

So, how should you go about it?

Harlequin, a publisher of women’s fiction, has offered countless stories of perfect encounters. Their 2006 Romance Report – titled "The Encounter" -- details their survey research about first impressions.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained

An impressive 85 percent of men and women said they do not have trouble meeting people. Yet, two thirds (61 percent) admit to not following their instincts when first encountering someone to whom they are attracted.

When you’re unemployed, you do everything in your power to find a job. Why? Because finding a job is vital. Yet, when you’re single you…wait for the right person to trip over you on the street? Your love life should be just as important as your professional life. The same energy and effort you put into finding work should be put into finding love.

Making an effort to create more encounters, whether they are online or in person, doesn’t mean you’re desperate and it doesn’t diminish your vibrant single life. It’s simply about creating time to search for love -- and it is a search. So many people want to cut to the chase and just find someone, like turning over a rock and finding a golden nugget. In fact, the quest for love is far more like panning and prospecting – a lot of effort, not as much immediate reward. The point is, there’s always the potential to hit it big.

Missed encounters?

When asked what’s preventing them from meeting the right person, men and women agree that: “no time” (38 percent) ranks highest, followed by “no good places to meet” (28 percent) and then “all the good ones are taken” (20 percent).

Spending 60 hours a week at the office may pad the bank account, but it also creates a few problems. You have less time at night to go out. You spend your weekends running errands. You barely have any spare time to catch up with your friends and family. While you can’t change your lifestyle cold-turkey, you do need to create space for the encounters that may change your life.

If you work in a big office, social opportunities abound, and if they don’t, you can create them. Your colleagues probably feel isolated as well and would jump at the chance to blow off some steam at a happy hour or a softball game. Putting out the vibe that you want to be social will attract similarly social colleagues. Plus, making new friends at the office opens up worlds that you couldn’t possibly foresee: card games, pick-up basketball, dinner parties – all just by being proactive about your social life at work.

The one that got away

Nearly 40 percent (38 percent) of both men and women say that they’ve turned someone down and regretted it later.

For those who protest that they literally have no time for anything beyond working, eating and sleeping, all is not lost. Needless to say, “The One” is not going to bust down your office door, knock on your bedroom window, or show up on your doorstep out of the blue. You must be open about the fact that you are single and looking, even when you’re not actively looking. Tell everyone that you trust -- your friends, your coworkers, your hairdresser -- that you’d like to be fixed up. Contact a matchmaker in your area. Or, easiest of all, post a profile on an online dating site.

Whether you spend an hour a day or an hour a month browsing the personals, at least you’re making an effort. The kind of chance encounters we see in the movies are amazing, but they’re rare and certainly not the only way to meet someone.

Put yourself out there and see what happens. Look for opportunities to meet new people. A successful encounter can lead to The Coffee Date, The Fling, The Torrid Affair and yes, even, The One. But nothing will ever happen if you don’t take that first step.

"The Encounter," Harlequin’s 2006 Romance Report, is full of truths about first impressions from the U.S and across the world and is available to download at press.eharlequin.com.

About the research: The Harlequin Romance study is based on a random telephone survey, supervised by International Communications Research, of 1,015 adults interviewed in the United States during July 2005. This study was a nationally representative sample of adults 18 years of age and older. The margin of error for the totals is plus or minus 3 percentage points at the 95 percent confidence level. The error margin is somewhat larger for subgroups.

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Evan Marc Katz Harlequin’s Romance Consultant, is CEO of the online dating consultancy E-Cyrano.com. His second book, “Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad” (co-written with Linda Holmes), will be published by Plume/Penguin in May 2006. Look for Evan online at evanmarckatz.com.

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