Dating Etiquette: Answering Personal Questions
David Wygant,
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.,
and
The Insightful Dater
Answer dating questions from our readers
When talking to men I meet for the first time on Personals, I find they often ask extremely personal questions about my sexual and dating past, like how many sexual partners I've had and what I like. How do I object to answering these questions without making him mad? -- Elizabeth S., 25, Long Beach, California
David Wygant answers: Wow, men can really be childish at times. This information is none of their business on the first email. I would ignore these man-boys and send them an email asking them if they are interested in a relationship or just sex. I would then write in the email that you have no problem sharing personal information, but these types of questions are for much later in a relationship. I would not worry about offending them; I actually find these men very offensive and think that they need to grow up. You want to find a man who respects you. When a man contacts you with the above questions, please feel free to email him my above response. I would also not waste time with guys who have no manners. There are many men online and some are still cavemen and have not learned manners. This is all part of the weeding out process. Date the guys with class and style -- you will be much happier and fulfilled.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers: You can simply say, "I think that's a little too personal for this stage in the relationship." Then, bring up a subject that's more comfortable: "Have you seen a good move (or read a good book) lately?" If you have an idea of what you want to talk about before you begin the conversation, you'll be able to switch topics when you need to, without sounding too uncooperative.
You'll also find out if the man is interested in anything about you except your sexual history and tastes. Patterns are set very early in the communication between couples. While a negative pattern can be corrected, it's easier if you are conscious of what you're creating in the first place. Focus on developing mutual interests and keeping the communication flowing and equitable, and when you find the man with whom you are truly compatible, you'll already have positive patterns in place.
The Insightful Dater answers: Regardless of the topic, you always have a right to place a boundary and remain in your comfort zone. All sorts of topics can be charged for people, from family to finances, so you have to set a pace for the discussion with which you are comfortable. Two other things: If these are the first questions, you should probably take it as a sign of what is a priority on their end and move on to others if that doesn't jive with your priorities. Secondly, if you like someone and they like you but the discussion goes into these details too soon for you, they should respect that you like to know what someone's favorite cuisine and favorite music are before you get into intimate details on past sexual partners.
Email encounters of the second and third kind
I'm brand new to the Internet scene as well as the whole dating scene itself. Not to brag but I get a lot of guys emailing me with the usual "You have a nice smile, let's chat, etc." I'm getting better at the initial encounters online, but it's the second and third ones that stump me. When the guy says, "OK, I'm an open book, you can ask me anything," I have no idea where to go from there. How should the second, third, etc. emails go? -- Melissa C., 35, Middletown, Ohio
David Wygant answers: Welcome to the wonderful world of dating!! When someone emails you with “I am an open book,” go ahead ask them anything. Have fun, be flirtatious. Most people online are so afraid to cut through the small talk. I enjoy the adventurous types, and they are usually the most fun to flirt with.
What I suggest is to go back over their profile and find two or three things that pique your interest. Look at what they love to do. If, for example, they say travel and music, then ask them to elaborate about their love of travel and music. Maybe ask them about some of their favorite places they have been. All the information that you need can be found on their profile -- that is one of the wonders of Internet dating. Let me know how it goes, and enjoy the process.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers: It helps a lot to know what you're looking for. Not does he have blue eyes or a great body, but what are his interests, his love history, his life condition? You begin this by asking what his hobbies are, what he does for work, what his friends are like. Make sure you understand what you want to know, and ask questions accordingly. Then think about his answers. What are his favorite movies? What does that say about him? What music does he like? Ask questions about his childhood. Show interest in him, and be willing to share some things about you. Don't start with the most personal stuff. The way to find out if you want to get to know him better is to find out what you can about who he is.
The Insightful Dater answers: You have to get creative and be willing to take risks in your communications at this stage. Be playful, curious and, if you feel comfortable, be flirtatious. What is it you want to know about someone you might meet? What they dream about at night? What they would do if they didn't have to worry about paying bills? Do they give to charities or volunteer? What book is next to their bed? What was their most embarrassing moment? What was the first thing they learned to cook? You can create the dialogue you want. Have fun with it and learn about people. There is nothing more interesting than all the places someone else has been that you haven't explored yet -- be that a state of mind or an actual place on the earth. Have fun!
Status confused
I met a really great guy on Yahoo! Personals a few months ago. We see each other about once a week, or once every two weeks. He is always doing things for me like working on my car and helping me out in any way he can. However, I am not sure if I am considered his "girlfriend." I also feel like I cannot bring this topic up with him without scaring him off. How can I be sure of my relationship status with this man? Do actions really speak louder than words? And how do I broach the subject to find out if he thinks of me as his girlfriend? -- Beverly K., 38, Lancaster, South Carolina
David Wygant answers: I am always a firm believer in cutting through the BS and getting right to the point. You need to sit down with this man and ask him what he is looking for. Does he want a relationship, a friend, a lover, or he is just playing the field and having fun? By asking this way you are not going to scare him away. You are asking about what he is looking for, not asking him to define your relationship. Listen very carefully to his answers, and if something does not feel right about what he says, be sure to ask him to elaborate. You may be shocked -- he may spill his guts and tell you that he wants a relationship with you but he was too afraid to bring it up. Don't sit back in suspense; this is your dating life and you need to be in complete control. Keep me posted, you sound like a wonderful woman.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers: Working on your car is a good sign. Some men show their affection by doing things for you more easily than they can find words. Also, this man may be slow to make up his mind about his feelings. I understand that you'd like to know the status of your relationship, but it's important not to push too hard. You may need to teach him how to understand and express his feelings. Choose a relaxed time, tell him you are really enjoying your time together, and ask him how he feels about it. Ask him if your friendship is going as well as he would like, or if there's anything you can do for him. Then, whatever he answers (which may not be much, if he has trouble putting his feeling into words), just let the conversation go to other topics. This will give him a chance to think about how he feels about your relationship. Wait a week or two, and try again. It is still early in your dating situation, so take your time and let the discussion grow. If the situation continues until you're dating for a year or more, it may then be time to ask directly. However, I think if you follow the gradual, low-key method, you'll find out how he feels and what his intent is long before a year has passed. Try to avoid the dreaded "We have to talk about our relationship." It's less intimidating if you ease into it.
The Insightful Dater answers: First and foremost, do you want to be his girlfriend? It's definitely a good idea to know what's going on for him, and to get the chance to express what is going on for you. Believe me, knowing is so much better than being in the dark. Without too broadly stereotyping, I think it's safe to say that men often do things such as what you have described as a display of affection. They want you to know they care and that you are important to them. Sometimes this means they may focus on your car more than you. For a time, they may fiddle with your spark plugs to avoid having to say what they are feeling. Bring up that you are grateful for all his help and you want to make him dinner to thank him. Doing something like this can open up not only a chance for a better read on his intentions, but also some quiet time (away from the oil pan) where you can ask him what he thinks is developing between the two of you (a friendship or more) -- not to scare him, but to simply know if you should wear that nice blouse the next time he's working on your car.
Tina
B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice
in Long Beach, Calif., since 1978 and author of 11 books in 14 languages, including
"It Ends
With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction," "How
to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" and "The
Unofficial Guide to Dating Again." She publishes the "Happiness Tips from
Tina" e-letter, and hosts "The Psyche Deli: delectable tidbits for the subconscious"
on www.WPMD.org and www.leisuretalk.net. Her web site is www.tinatessina.com Photo Copyright © 2005 by Nicole Katano
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David Wygant's new book is "Always Talk to Strangers: 3 Simple Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life" (www.alwaystalktostrangers.com). He has been a featured dating expert on more 1,000 radio and television shows including Dateline, ABC News, CBS Good Morning, MTV, Fox News, and in publications including The New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Dallas Morning News, Boston Globe, Philadelphia Inquirer, New York Magazine and Marie Claire Magazine. His web site is www.thedwnetwork.com
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The Insightful Dater provides a view of the dating scene from the perspective of a young professional, living in a major metropolitan area.
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