Who Should Pay For A Date?

Tom Blake answers to your questions about dating and romance at 50+

When meeting for the first time, who pays? Many of my friends tell me the man always pays, but I'm a rather independent woman, and want to enter a new relationship on equal footing. Should I offer to split the check? Or do I just stand by and see if he reaches for his wallet? -- Barbara A., 55, Lake Mary, Fla.

Barbara, you have an enlightened attitude that men will enjoy and respect. A good rule of thumb: Whoever initiates the first date should pay. If you asked the man out, you should pay and vice versa. But it's refreshing to men when women offer to split the check, or at least pay the tip or spring for an ice cream after a date, especially when they've been dating for awhile. The days of men always paying are gone. Keep money in your wallet in case the guy is a tightwad. If he asks you out on a first date and doesn't pay, I doubt you'll be going out with him again.

See also the Yahoo! Personals poll: Who should pay for a date?

Shut my mouth

I'm just getting back into dating after a 10-year marriage. I am extremely nervous when I meet a woman for the first time, so I tend to yak constantly and, unfortunately, usually about myself. For some reason, my mouth becomes the Energizer bunny. Any tips on turning this around? I know I need to be attentive to her, but the nerves keep kicking in! -- Dan B., 53, Sebastopol, Calif.

Dan, your nervousness is likely costing you potential relationships. You're coming across as lacking confidence and being egotistical (and yes, being a nerd), when the real problem is nerves. Learn to focus on the woman and have a list of questions about her prepared in your mind. If she's talking, your mouth can't get you in trouble. Until you can do this, you're going to be more of a chick repellant than the Energizer Bunny.

Thrifty dates

How do you date successfully when you have no money to spare? All my money is going to the basics. Can you share some suggestions for dating on a very tight budget? -- Stephen B., 61, Dallas, Texas

Stephen, there are many places you can go on dates that are free or very inexpensive. Free concerts, museums, walks, and hikes, for example. Being on such a tight budget might be a turnoff to some women, but others might appreciate you as you are and be willing to share some of the expenses. Keep your eyes out for a woman willing to do that.

No response

I've sent many email notes of interest to ladies, but it seems that 99 percent of the time, I get no response in return. Should I assume this indicates their lack of communication skills and move on to the next lady of interest? Or should I take the time to send them a second email and suggest that courtesy suggests they should reply? -- Mick N., 56, Kettering, Ohio

Mick, there's something wrong in the messages you are sending. It may be your communication skills rather than the women's. Are you aiming for women younger than you? What are you saying that might turn even women your age off? At age 56, there are many women who would like a relationship. Never send an email saying courtesy suggests a reply. That's confrontational and will accomplish nothing. Evaluate things from your end. Ask a woman friend you aren't dating to critique your emails. A woman's point of view could turn things around for you.

Continue to pursue

Is it worth it to continue pursuing someone I'm interested in a few more times after they've turned me down? Should I just forget about them after the first rejection and move on? Salespeople will often try to sell a customer after they have said no. What do you think? -- Everett W., 52, Richmond, Ind.

Everett, if they've turned you down, chances are continuing to pester them won't help. After the first rejection, you could write them and say, "Thank you for being honest. I enjoyed meeting you and would love to continue getting to know you but respect your decision. If you change your mind, let me know. Good luck and thanks."

Dating isn't selling a product, it's selling you. Don't waste time. Move on. The person right for you may be the next person you meet. Dating is a numbers game.

Tom Blake has written more than 600 newspaper columns on middle age dating and relationships. His "Single Again" column is featured in the Orange County (Calif.) Register. Tom is the author of two books: "Finding Love After 50: How to Begin. Where to Go. What to Do" and "Middle Aged and Dating Again." He has made multiple appearances as a keynote speaker at national AARP conventions and as a dating after 50 expert on the NBC show, Today. Sign up for Tom's free weekly "Finding Love After 50" e-letter, read previous columns or order books at www.findingloveafter50.com.

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