Am Wasting My Time, Dating A Separated Man?
Tom Blake answers to your questions about dating and romance at 50+
I have been seeing a separated man for six months. He is a great man and we get along fine. He has never filed for divorce or shown signs of moving in that direction. He seems afraid of emotions and never expresses how he feels about me. Our conversations revolve around talk of his children. Every conversation he mentions them and what they are up to. There is nothing about US ever. He does not want me to meet his children for fear of how they will react to me. Do you believe I am wasting my time? -- Margaret M., 53, Chicago, Illinois
Margaret, Are you wasting your time? That depends on you and what you want. If you want him to be your committed partner, that isn’t happening. Sounds like he has no intention of divorcing soon. He never expresses how he feels about you? And nothing is said about you two as a couple? Have you ever asked him? He doesn’t want you to meet his children -- that by itself is a good indication that you may be wasting your time. What puzzles me is, what has been going on for six months? You need to be proactive. Ask him those questions. Listen to what he says. If you don’t like what he says, if your relationship goals and hopes are different than his, you may be wasting your time. He may not be as great as you think.
Truth in aging
I am 60 years old but look about 12 years younger, so I have always been told. My profile says I am 55 so that people at least give me a chance to meet in person. Should I tell them my true age on first meeting and, if so, how do I tell them? Or can I wait to see if there is even a second meeting before telling them my true age? Will they not want to see me again because I have been untruthful? -- Priscilla S., 60, Redondo Beach, California
Priscilla, You’re darned if you do and darned if you don’t. First, congratulations on looking 12 years younger. Since you misrepresented your age in your profile, why fess up on the first date? Or even the second? But if it looks like the relationship could blossom, you’d better fess up by the third date. How? Look him straight in the eye and say, “I have something to tell you. I could care for you very much and wanted to lay the cards on the table. I’m seven years older than my profile indicates.” Then, sit back and wait for the fireworks to begin. If the news doesn’t faze him, you made it through the rain. If he walks out, you didn’t.
Financially secure
At 59, I have worked hard to be financially secure. I am looking for a man who is also free of debt and has saved for his retirement. I have dated nice men for months before finding out that they are still living with Mom and are deep in debt. How can I avoid this mistake again? How does one approach the subject of finances and know they are being honest? I am not after money, but I also can't afford to support a man through retirement. -- Karen S., 59, Simsbury, Connecticut
Karen, Congratulations on being financially secure. One question: How in the world could you date someone for months and not know that he lives with his mother? Or that he is deeply in debt? Who pays when you go out? Did you never visit his home or meet his mother? To avoid that happening in the future, hire a private investigator to do a financial check on the man you date. Be more observant. You can get a good indication of a person’s finances by seeing where he lives, what kind of a car he drives (though sometimes rich men drive clunkers) and what kind of restaurants and entertainment he goes to.
Positive outlook
I was married to a wonderful person and had a great 16-year marriage. It seems this is different from all the people online who are divorced. I like to talk about the good things marriage has to offer, but should I? -- Curtis J., 57, El Dorado Hills, California
Curtis, By talking about the good things marriage has to offer, you may be scaring potential mates away. Because you were married to a wonderful person, you likely talk about her and your relationship with her. People don’t want to hear much about ex-spouses, whether the news is favorable, as it is in your case, or unfavorable. It’s fine to say, “I had a wonderful marriage and with the right person, I’d marry again.” But that’s it, move the conversation elsewhere. No one wants to be compared to an ex-spouse and it sounds like that’s what you’re doing.
The right approach
I have been divorced for awhile and am interested in connecting with a man in my town who was widowed. I do know that he has been dating. We do not see each other and we have a different sphere of people, but I am acquainted with him. How do I tactfully connect with him? I am considering sending a greeting card, "Thinking of you and wondering how you are doing" or something like that. What method would not be intrusive or overbearing? -- Anita T., 62, New Ulm, Minnesota
Anita, You’re on the right track. A greeting card is okay, but be sure the message is stronger than you are proposing. Write, “I’d like to treat you for coffee.” That lets him know you have an interest in dating him. You can contact him via a card, or you can be more assertive -- not aggressive -- and phone him and invite him to coffee. If he says no, there’s been no harm, no foul. At least he’ll know you have an interest in him.
Tom Blake has written more
than 600 newspaper columns on middle age dating and relationships.
His "Single Again" column is featured in the Orange County (Calif.)
Register. Tom is the author of two books:
"Finding
Love After 50: How to Begin. Where to Go. What to Do" and "Middle
Aged and Dating Again." He has made multiple appearances as
a keynote speaker at national AARP conventions and as a dating after
50 expert on the NBC show, Today. Sign up for Tom's free weekly
"Finding Love After 50" e-letter, read previous columns or order
books at www.findingloveafter50.com.
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