Three Simple Rules: Set the Right Expectations to Find Mr./Ms. Right

Wouldn’t it be great if fairy tales came true? Especially those stories about finding a perfect prince or princess and living happily ever after? In real life -- after having kissed too many frogs, or worse, being aware of the high divorce rate -- many of us may have wondered if fairy tale endings are no more than far-fetched fiction.

At the same time, most of us still want and expect to find our Mr. or Ms. Right. The good news is, finding a partner who is perfect for you is a real-life possibility -- and something that you can turn into a probability by resetting your expectations. Remembering three simple rules will provide a road map to point you in the right direction, and keep you on course in your search for your ideal mate.

Rethink Your Expectations

The following three principles will help you understand the person you are dating, manage your expectations and prevent ugly surprises.

1. Everything you want to know about a person is there for you to see right from the beginning.
2. You cannot change anybody.
3. There is an “upside” and a “downside” to every trait.

Let’s look at each of these concepts more closely.

Initially, you just don’t see everything about a person when you meet him or her because each of you is working hard at putting your best foot forward. Once you make a good first impression, though, you move forward. Now -- even at this early stage -- you can learn everything you want to know about your potential Mr. or Ms. Right just by paying careful attention. As you move ahead, each person begins to become more comfortable and reveals more of who they really are. Now is certainly the time to pay attention to details!

Let’s start with a seemingly simple -- and very common -- example: The person you are dating throws their jacket on the chair when they come into your apartment. As much as that may annoy you, you must understand that is who they are. They are not going to become a neat freak later on. As a matter of fact, the more relaxed they grow to be, the more likely they are to take liberty in throwing their clothes around -- expect to find scattered socks, shoes, even underwear! By being observant, you can realize someone’s true nature from the very beginning.

You Can’t Change Your Mate

Let’s continue with Mr. or Ms. Messy to prove our second point: you can’t change anyone (try as you might!). You can, of course, let the person know you are unhappy with the sloppiness, but you cannot expect him or her to change. What you can change is your reaction to their behavior. By seeing someone for who they are and understanding that you cannot change them, you can recognize early on if someone is an appropriate match.

Being cognizant of our last principle -- that every trait has both an “upside” and a “downside” -- you may realize that even though your Mr. Right is a slob, it doesn’t mean that you must cast off your otherwise Prince Charming as a toad.

Think about the other side to your potential partner’s sloppiness. Maybe his carefree attitude towards the proper place of a coat is indicative of his flexible and relaxed nature -- perhaps a trait that is a nice counterbalance to your tendency to get a bit uptight.

Is there a magic equation to tell you who the right person is for you? No. In real life there are no special spells, potent potions or puffs of smoke that conjure up Mr. or Ms. Right. But when you enter your relationship with the right expectations, you’ll see that a fairy tale ending can become a well-deserved reality.

Karen Sherman, Ph.D., a specialist in relationships for over 20 years, offers teleseminars and is co-author of "Marriage Magic! Find It! Make It Last." She is on the web at drkarensherman.com.

Got a different point of view?   Tell us about it.

Back to top