Convert Your Online Encounters to Offline Dates
By Jeff Cohen
Special to Yahoo! Personals
You've seen someone in your search results or Matches by Mail and you think you might want to meet them. How should you proceed?
How many emails go back and forth before you advance to a phone call?
What does it really take to convert a good phone call into an actual date?
Anyone who has tried online dating knows about the progression from emails to phone calls to real-life dates. But what exactly does it take to master this progression and improve your odds of online dating success? Thanks to interviews with Ted, Karen and Tom, three active online daters, we have some answers.
Opening statements
"Sending out emails can sometimes feel like cold-calling sales prospects," says Ted, a 28-year-old advertising sales executive from San Francisco. "It's so much easier to be in the driver's seat and just respond to women who express interest in you."
Karen, a 25-year-old special education teacher from Wayne, New Jersey, prefers for men to make the first move. "I'm too nervous to put myself out there and hope guys respond favorably," admits Karen. "Besides, I'd end up driving myself crazy checking all the time to see if the guy wrote back yet."
If men prefer for women to make the first move online and women prefer men to act first, we could be in for a real dating stalemate. Luckily, Tom, a 30-year-old research analyst from New York City, broke the tie, claiming he likes to act first. "I actually prefer the wink method because it's an easy and quick way to tell multiple people I'm interested without sending a long, drawn-out email."
We have contact
Regardless of who makes the first move, what exactly should daters cover in those initial email communications?
Ted is all about finding common ground. "I'll cover something we have in common from our profiles," he shares. "That way, we can start a connection from that piece of information."
Karen believes the key is to keep it light. "I don't want to get my hopes up for nothing," she says. "I keep it basic, stuff like how you like your job and what you do for fun on the weekends."
Tom couldn't agree more with the keep-it-light mentality. "If the girl starts talking about marriage and kids in the first email, I am so out of there," he says. "I want both of those things, but I'm just not ready to operate at light speed in our first email."
It sounds like the key is to look for common interests without scaring off your prospect by coming on too strong. There will be plenty of time to brainstorm names for your kids if you really hit it off in person.
Pick up the phone
So the email exchange is going well. When is the right time to advance from email communication to your first live phone call?
"Typically we'll exchange three to four emails back and forth before a phone call," explains Ted. "In many cases the girl will insist on making the first call; I guess they're nervous about giving out their number."
"Guys who are ready for a phone call after one email freak me out," admits Karen. "I also can't stand guys who send quick, one-sentence emails. It is so clearly a standard note they're sending to a bunch of girls, and it's a major turn-off."
So what's the bottom line? Settle in for at least a few emails before you pressure your prospect into a phone call. Guys, offer the women the option of giving their number or taking yours. It will eliminate any safety concerns.
Anybody home?
We all know a phone call represents the intermediate step between great email communications and a first date. But what do you talk about on the phone, and how can you maximize your chances of actually scoring a date?
"I listen for a nice, friendly voice and for a good listener," explains Karen. "I won't talk for more than 30 minutes, to avoid getting too invested in someone this early on."
"That first call should be no more than 20 minutes," claims Ted. "Just long enough to decide if there's any spark between us." Tom agrees. "I'll talk for about twenty minutes to try to get to know the person a bit," he says. "I won't get into anything too personal; we'll cover that stuff when we meet in person."
So if you're rushing through these calls in five minutes or less, you're probably pressuring your prospects. On the flip side, if you invest two or three hours in each call then you're likely over-investing in someone who may not work out anyway.
Decision time!
One call, two calls or more? What does it really take to feel comfortable deciding on a first offline encounter?
"With most people, one call is enough to decide one way or the other," says Ted. "Either they're boring me to tears or they seem interesting and we should meet for a drink."
Karen prefers two or three calls before granting a date. "It takes a few phone calls to really see what the person is like and if you'd want to sit down with them in real life."
Tom agrees with Ted and likes to close the deal in one phone call. "I can read people pretty quickly and know if there's a connection between us," he says. "I can also tell if there's zero connection and then I'll just make an excuse to end the call."
Let's get some face time
So the emails have gone well and there's even some telephone chemistry. What comes next in the online dating progression?
"I'm a big fan of grabbing a quick drink with someone," says Ted. "Some girls are put off by meeting at a bar, so in those cases I'll suggest Starbucks instead."
Karen prefers the dinner date. "It's nice to sit down to an actual dinner and really talk," she says. "Unfortunately, I find that many guys are reluctant to ask a girl out to dinner unless they feel major sparks."
Tom believes weekends are best for first dates. "I usually suggest meeting on the weekend for a drink or quick bite," he shares. "During the week everyone is so stressed and tired."
Looks like the opinions here run the gamut from quick drinks during the week to dinner dates to casual weekend encounters. Your final decision likely comes down to personal preference and what's worked in the past on previous dates.
Anyone for seconds?
Regardless of what you do on that first date, it's all about deciding whether or not to grant a second date, and beyond. But how do you make that decision?
"If there's chemistry between us when we meet for a drink, I'll usually suggest that we meet for dinner next time," explains Ted. For Tom, he looks for turn-offs and disagreements on the first date. "If there is any form of conflict at our first meeting, it will turn me off from wanting to see her again."
Karen looks for a good conversationalist and a good listener. "I want to be sure that we'll have enough to talk about if we go out again."
It sounds like people are simply looking for chemistry on the first date. You don't need to feel a marital spark just yet, but at least some sense that there's enough to talk about on another date or two.
Emails, calls and dates, oh my!
It may seem overwhelming to learn all the "rules" on email communication, phone calls and first dates. But in the end, people just want to move at a pace that's comfortable for them. So give each stage a chance to progress naturally and you won't go wrong. In fact, you just might start converting more and more online encounters into offline dates!
Jeff Cohen is the dating and relationship expert for About.com, the 10th most popular web site on the Internet. His latest articles on meeting someone new, online dating, getting serious, breaking up and engagement can be viewed at dating.about.com. Cohen has been a featured dating expert in major newspapers and TV shows including USA Today, New York Daily News, MSN Online and Voice of America.
See Jeff Cohen's ideas about making great first impressions online.
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