Find the partner you want: Make a list and check it twice -- part 2

Your "musts" are the deal breakers -- you know what they are. If you wouldn't break up with someone because of it, it's not a "must." Your "musts" are the key when you're out there meeting people and finding out about them. Knowing your "musts" will keep you from getting trapped into thinking, "It doesn't matter," "He'll change," or "She'll be different with me." "Musts" come from a heartfelt place of knowing and trusting yourself. It's important to list six of them -- no more and no less. Six is a reasonable number that a person can be expected to live up to, without being overly picky or not discerning enough. More than six, and you may be scared. Less than six, and you might not be taking care of yourself. Once you have written down your six "musts," love yourself enough to stick with them. If you go out with someone appealing who has three of your "musts," you might be tempted to change the rest. But before you say blithely, "Oh, I didn't really want to have children anyway," and cross it off your list know that you will eventually break up over this.

The bottom line is this: Steer clear of people who don't have all your "musts" no matter how attractive you find them. It is an act of self-love to refuse to see someone again who will eventually break your heart. Don't wait six months, get really attached, then break up. Save yourself the time and the heartache. You don't need to sell yourself short. There is always someone else waiting just around the corner. You can choose to live in the belief that the partner you want is waiting for you. As a wise woman used to say, "Lovers are like streetcars, there's always another one coming!"

List #2: The Ten "Very Importants"

The ten "very importants" are exactly that, they are very important to you but not necessarily deal-breakers. It may be very important that she own a house, for example. But if she fits almost all your other criteria and is currently renting an apartment, you might be able to overlook the fact that she's not a homeowner. Or it may be very important that he has a college degree. But if he is highly articulate, well-read, and educated, it may not matter that he doesn't have a BA. Still, you don't want to give in too easily on your "very importants." They are, after all, attributes that will make you happy.

List #3: The Six "Must Nots"

The six "must nots" highlight your pitfalls. Your pitfalls are your Achilles heel -- the patterns you've been hurt by. If you're not sure what those are, take some time to reflect on the things that happen to you over and over in relationships. Do you get involved with people who want to control you? Then one of your "must nots" would be, "Must not be overly controlling." If you have a pattern of attracting partners with alcohol or drug problems, one of your "must nots" would be, "Must not be a substance abuser."

When you go out with someone, you'll want to be precisely in the moment so you can be aware of your pitfalls. If you're not awake in the moment it is easy to fall into an old pattern without realizing it. "This one's not like all the others," you may think, without realizing that he or she is angry at the opposite sex just like the others were. If you are awake, you will be present enough to realize that he's talking badly about his ex-wife or she's being disparaging about her father. Later, when you sit down and compare that person to your list, it will help you see you are approaching a pitfall. Beware!

List #4: Unlimited "Wouldn't It Be Nice If...."

This list is for all the attributes you'd enjoy a partner having, but that are not deal breakers, pitfalls, or very important. They're the "extras," the icing on the cake. If he or she didn't have them it wouldn't make or break your decision to get involved. Have fun with these. "Wouldn't it be nice if he had a sporty car? Wouldn't it be great if she liked to sail?" The more specific you can get, the more likely it is that you'll attract someone with many of these extra qualities.

List #5: Envisioning Five Scenarios

Envisioning means putting forth a picture of how you'd like your relationship to be. Make a list of five scenarios or situations you'd like to share with a partner. Do you want to cook dinners together, travel to exotic places, learn to tango, spend time with your extended family, or work on artistic projects? Make sure the situations you think of are ones you want to have in your life. If you want to get married, live with someone, or have children, include those scenarios in your list. Then, when you go out with someone, try envisioning him or her in those situations with you. If you can't see it, there is a good chance that person is not right for you. This is not foolproof, it's simply another way of trying someone out. When you envision, you are using your natural psychic ability or your intuition. It's amazing how often your intuition is right.

Making New Choices

Alexis met Will after making her lists and getting clear about what she wanted. Will didn't have the polished manners and suave style of dressing Alexis was accustomed to in the men she dated. He wore jeans and T-shirts, and he preferred down-home cooking to gourmet restaurants. After she got home from their date, however, Alexis realized she'd had a really good time. She checked her list and saw that so far, Will fit the qualities that were important to her. When he called the next day, she agreed to go hiking with him that weekend. The hike included a homemade picnic that Will had thoughtfully packed. They sat in a mountain meadow, talking and laughing for hours. When Alexis checked her lists later that evening, she was clear that Will fit all her six "musts." After a third date, she realized that he also had many of her ten "very importants," and didn't have any of her "must nots." In fact, he was everything she wanted in a man, T-shirts and all.

"I didn't think he was attractive at first," Alexis admits today. "But I loved myself enough to give him a chance because I saw that he could give me what I wanted. We've been married eight years now, and he gets sexier and sexier every day!"

Making your lists and interviewing gives you the clarity to choose well. You may be surprised at how your choices begin to change. Instead of dating someone simply because you're attracted, you will be consciously choosing someone who is good for you and can give you what you want. That doesn't mean someone you find attractive won't be good for you. It does mean being open to going out with someone you might be only slightly attracted to but who fits your lists. Attraction can grow when someone fits what you want in a partner. Giving a chance to someone who suits your desires is more self-loving than staying with someone who's very appealing but doesn't meet your "musts."

Keith's story

Keith always went for women with dark hair and blue eyes. He found the combination wildly attractive and had never given much thought to how or why he chose the women he did.

However, none of his relationships lasted more than a couple of years, and though he wanted to get married he hadn't yet found a woman he wanted to share his life with long-term. One night at a bar, Keith's buddy Nick nudged him and said, "Hey, why don't you ask out that redhead in the corner? She is really good-looking and she's been eyeing you all night." Keith peered across the dance floor and caught the woman's eye. She smiled at him and he turned away quickly. "Oh, no, I could never date a redhead," he said dismissively.

"Why not?" Nick asked.

"Because…" Keith hesitated, then realized he didn't have a good answer. He shrugged.

"They're just not my type."

The next day, Keith found himself thinking about the redhead. He realized that she'd had an open, friendly smile. Why couldn't he consider going out with her? Then it hit him, his mother and three sisters all had dark hair and blue eyes. As the youngest in the family and the only boy, it was no wonder that he'd grown up thinking all attractive women had similar characteristics. Perhaps there were a lot of women like the redhead that he hadn't been noticing. He'd been automatically weeding them out before giving them a chance, simply because of their hair and eye color. If he could start noticing different women, he might find the one he wanted to marry after all.

Having what you want in a partner means being willing to turn your back on your old patterns of selection. Like Keith, you have on some level been choosing people who are "your type." Why are they your type? It's worth examining. Then, check your lists again to remember what's really important to you. It may be that someone who's not your "type" could fit all your lists and make you very happy. On the other hand, someone who is your "type" may not necessarily be good for you. Loving yourself and knowing you deserve what you want will give you the strength to stop seeing someone who doesn't fit your "musts" -- even if you find them very attractive.

Once you get clear, you can be awake enough to recognize the partner of your dreams when he or she shows up. It's not difficult, it just takes a willingness to stay aware in the moment, stay connected with your heartfelt desires, and receive what comes your way. As you review your lists, keep your heart open and your view optimistic. Thinking, "I'll never have this," sabotages the whole process. Allow yourself to believe that the relationship you want is out there. There is an abundance of people like you who are seeking meaningful, fulfilling relationships. If the one you meet today isn't right for you…remember, "There's always another one coming!"

It's going to happen, it's just a matter of time.

To return to the first part of this article, Click here

Marilyn Graman is the author of "There is No Prince and Other Truths Your Mother Never Told You: A Guide to Having the Relationship You Want." Look For Marilyn online at lifeworksgroup.com.

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