"Intimacy" means being personally familiar with something. But you may ask, "what is my date's soul?" or "How do I become intimate with his or her soul?" And most importantly of all, "Why should I desire intimacy with someone's soul?"

Before answering these questions, let me tell you a true story. Years ago I met an extremely gifted singer. I was very taken with this attractive intelligent woman. And, apparently, she was very attracted to me. We began dating and quickly "fell in love." We made plans to spend the rest of our lives together. However, during our wedding engagement, we began to have major disagreements.

My fiancée had been singing publicly since she was a child, and her innermost desire was to travel the country singing and producing albums. Ultimately, our relationship crashed and burned. My deepest desire did not include living out of hotel rooms. I realize now that I had not spent enough time exploring this woman's soul.

The soul

I am defining the "soul" as that immaterial spiritual part of you that's deeper than your physical appearance, that's even deeper than your intellect or logical ability to reason. I am defining the "soul" as that part of you that houses your deepest desires. These desires possibly have the greatest impact on your values and govern why you do what you do on a daily basis.

It's very common to want to rush into a relationship commitment with a date you find outwardly attractive. It's so important to slow down and become familiar with your date's soul because your compatibility with your date's soul is the real measure of whether you both can develop a lasting relationship.

There are some probing questions that you can ask to help you become intimate with your date's soul. Here are some examples:

• If someone gave you $10 million with no strings attached, what would you do with it?



• If you could sit down to lunch with any 3 people (living or dead), who would they be?



• Let's play a word game: I'll throw out a phrase, and you finish it with whatever comes to your mind. The phrase I want you to finish is, "My dream in life is to..."



• Let's continue the game: The phrase I want you to finish is, "My mission in life is to..."

Some may consider the following questions too personal for a first date. However, keep these questions at the ready as you and the other person become comfortable talking about various things.

Don't interrogate

Please don't fire all the questions in rapid succession like a police interrogator -- the person being questioned might feel intimidated. Be as natural and conversational as possible when asking these questions:

• What values do you hold most deeply?



• What are the most important things in life?



• What does happiness mean to you?



• What would it take to make you happy?

Of course, a person could answer falsely and provide very noble values that he or she does not believe in. Your job will be to watch and analyze whether the person's actions reflect these values.

• What are some of the traditions/rituals practiced in your family?



• What event (negative or positive) was a turning point in your life or taught you something you didn't know about yourself?



• Who are your mentors or role models?

Probe deeper

Consider meeting these mentors as they will sometimes tell you more about your date than he or she is actually willing to tell you.

Maybe you like the questions above but want to probe deeper into the soul of your date. If you feel it's appropriate, try asking these three questions:

• If you only had 6 months to live, what would you do?



• Where did the human race come from?



• What is the meaning of life?

Of course, I can't guarantee that someone will give you honest answers to all of these questions. But if you can ask these questions and determine the real answers, you will truly begin to become intimate with your date's soul.

Oh, by the way, I did eventually find a beautiful woman whose soul was in harmony with mine. I married this woman and now live happily with her and our three children in a large home in Northern California.

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Shawn David Jackson is the author of "Dating Survival Guide." He has been teaching Christian living to adults and youth since the early '80s. He launched Holiness.com in the mid-'90s as a vehicle for providing biblically based teaching on a variety of life's issues.

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