It Takes Time to Move into Dating Mode: A To-Do List for Single Parents

To be successful in the dating world, you must approach it like you would any other goal. That means more than writing it down in your journal in a moment of inspiration. Goals don’t get accomplished without a list of things you can actually DO that will help you to reach the goal. DO is the operative word here. Yet, few people would come out and admit that one of their goals is to be a successful dater and here’s what they are DOing about it.

If dating is your goal, then the first thing on your to-DO list needs to be how to create time in your life to move into dating mode. You’ll need to clear hours in your schedule to devote to activities such as reading profiles online, contacting others, getting dressed up to go out, and having a social life.

The problem is that for most parents, just managing life and kids takes all the energy they have, so the idea of adding something -- even something fun and exciting -- to their day is overwhelming. So I’d like to suggest a shift in your attitude. You say yes to everyone else; you get your kids to their lessons, help with homework, cook, clean, drive, chaperone field trips or whatever else is required, but often you feel too guilty to say yes to yourself. Since there is only a limited amount of time in each day, your first job is to juggle the schedule around a bit so that a “fair” amount of time lands in your lap (hint: saying NO will help).

With the time you bravely reclaim, you are going to learn to nurture yourself, listen to your inner voice and feel comfortable (not selfish) making your needs a priority so that you can build your physical and emotional health. This in turn will create space and energy in your life for the seed of dating to take root and blossom.

Nurture yourself

• Lower your expectations. Try for a week to set your expectations where your life is right now. Notice how good you feel when you’re able to meet your expectations instead of falling short.
• Learn to disappoint others. Relationships at the core are about being disappointed over and over again and choosing to care anyway. Yes, your kids might be disappointed when you say no to something they want to do, but this is necessary so that you can say yes to something you want to do.
• Improve your self-care habits. Find a little space in your life to breathe. Remove the title Supermom or Superdad from your resume and be content to show up in your life as you are, flaws and all. You’ll be surprised to find out that your kids and everyone else still love and respect you even if you do serve cereal for dinner one night a week.


• Create the support you need. Find other single parents in your community and create an extended family. It helps in all ways to surround yourself with others who are on the same path. If you can set up a system of shared childcare, it will also afford you the opportunity to go out without having to come up with babysitting funds.

Learn to trust yourself

• Choose not to be motivated by fear. If you’re dating because you’re afraid to be alone, are worried what people might think if you sit home on weekends, or if you’re settling for less than you want in a dating relationship because you don’t think there is anyone better out there for you -- think again. Any choice you make out of fear is wasting your time and energy.
• Listen to your intuition. You really do know exactly what to do and exactly what you want, if you could just block out the voices of your family and friends who think they know what is best for you and your kids. Listening to others’ advice will get you off track and therefore take you much longer to reach your goals.


• Don’t waste time on a second date if you don’t like the person. Your time is precious. There are ways to be kind and still say no. The sooner you learn that not everybody is going to like you (and there is no way to protect everyone’s feelings), the less time you will waste making choices based on guilt and social programming.

Make your needs a priority

• Share the housework. There are things your kids can do for themselves that you are currently doing for them. Learning to do for themselves will raise a child’s self-esteem, develop life skills AND give you some time to relax. Your kids might as well learn now that few of us are lucky enough to have a maid!
• Get organized. Make a list of everything you need to get done around the house. Write it all down, so it won’t be nagging in the back of your mind. Take ONLY 30 minutes a day and tackle the list one item at a time. Set a timer and STOP after 30 minutes. Use the rest of your time to focus on your dating goals. I promise that developing a social life will do more for your emotional state than having a clean house!
• Use your car time. When driving alone, turn off the radio and enjoy the quiet time to think about yourself — not the activities or responsibilities of the day — just you. You’ll be amazed how rejuvenating a little daydreaming can be.


• Take a time out. At every stage of parenting (life), there are many tense and frustrating moments which are often blown out of proportion when you are stressed with the job of being a single parent. When you feel yourself spiraling into an argument or situation with your kids (friends, family, co-workers) that may take a lot of time to fix later, remove yourself. When your brain and emotions go into overdrive, you need to honor yourself with some thinking time. Learning to disengage so you can strategize a better response saves time.

If all of the above feels too selfish, let me remind you of something everyone in your family already knows: If Mom or Dad is not happy, nobody is! A good parent is one who takes care of themselves so that they are not overwhelmed with the job of raising their children. If you don’t have something to look forward to, which includes a social life of your own, it makes it very hard to keep up with all the responsibilities that go along with being a single parent.

Sheila Ellison is leading a year-long course for women titled, "Life Design After Divorce." She is the founder of SingleMomsConnect.com, an organization that connects single mothers in a one-to-one friendship that offers practical, emotional, and physical support as each woman rebuilds her life. She is the author of "The Courage to Love Again: Creating Happy, Healthy Relationships After Divorce," "The Courage to Be a Single Mother: Becoming Whole Again After Divorce," " How Does She Do It? 101 Life Lessons from One Mother to Another," and "If Women Ruled the World" as well as six bestselling parenting books. She has appeared on "Oprah," NBC's "Later Today," and "The Early Show" on CBS. Her web site is CompleteMom.com.

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