If you feel an argument coming on with someone you're dating, what do you do about it?


	Lee, 56, Fort Lauderdale, Fla. Immediately determine if the cause is worth fighting for, which so often it is not, and try to defuse the situation with humor. If that doesn't work because the other person is overheated, I'll just lower my voice, and let them blow off steam. Then I'll fix a martini!


	Alan, 29, Long Beach, Calif. Try to say something like "Yup, you can't always agree in this kind of stuff. Dessert?


	Nikki, 30, San Diego, Calif. I usually don't answer the phone until I'm ready to deal with it. Not always the right thing to do, but its better than having it out while both of us are upset.


	Tina, 35, Tampa, Fla. Confront the issue in a positive and calm way. Just "talk" it out, as there is nothing better than good communication. Discussion is the key to opening the door of conflict negotiation and resolution.


	Will, 58, Glendale, Calif. I expect disagreements, but not arguments. If we truly have an argument, then we don't belong together at all. A disagreement may be about something that doesn't require a consensus to move forward. Then I suggest that we agree to disagree, as in "religion and politics," and not try to convert the other person (my own family usually can follow this philosophy). If we must reach a consensus to move forward (and I'm a negotiator by nature -- no temper tantrums), I'm quite willing to negotiate a compromise. It may be by the flip of a coin, or even by my concession to her wishes, with the condition that we reach parity through later compromises. I think it's important for a man and a woman to feel that he or she is being treated fairly under all circumstances.


	Marilyn, 54, Palm Desert, Calif. Kill him with kindness.


	Deshae, 28, West Covina, Calif. I'm not saying I don't like a good argument, but if it's about a dating or relationship situation I usually agree with whatever she says. I found that a lot of women hate that. Especially when they want to argue. My mother told at a young age, "don't ever argue against a woman cause you'll never win. Argue with her and you might survive to argue another day."


	Dena, 50, Jonesboro, Ga. Generally I will try to have a calm discussion before a full-blown argument ensues. I believe that two people attempting to forge a relationship owe it to themselves to find a way to resolve conflict in as peaceful a manner as possible. It certainly saves on hurt, misunderstanding and the deterioration of the relationship.


	Trevor, 30, Boise, Idaho If I feel an argument coming on with someone I'm dating, it's probably because I've reached my tolerance breaking point since I'm extremely passive with guys I'm trying to get to know. If I feel a heated conversation is around the corner, I would excuse myself from the situation and over-analyze the situation with my best friend later.


	Valerie, 63, Sonoma, Calif. Try and humor the man or just ignore and move on to more compatible topics.


	Gloria, 50, Rochester, N.Y. Lose it. (Joking) I think I can be categorized as a "lover" and not a "fighter." I'm the peacemaker, the jokester, the positive one, and for those of you who are negative cranky heads, my upbeat personality can come across as mildly annoying. However, if there is a disagreement about something important that has come up time and time again, we've agreed on a certain way to handle the problem and the other person isn't holding up their end of the bargain, then you will probably hear my normally happy voice get a little more "stern." (And, if I'm totally exhausted or overly stressed that day, you will know that I've had quite about enough. Not to worry. I can usually get things off my chest in one or two sentences and it's over pretty quick. No one usually needs stitches or anything.) Anyway, I avoid arguments at all costs and would rather discuss things that we don't agree about, agree to disagree and get back to making "fun" out of life.


	Raymond, 44, Louisville, Ky. I try to use humor to defuse an argument, unless I'm the one starting it. But I hate to argue and avoid arguments at all cost, because discussions or talking it out are better when you have disagreements.


	Mike, 29, Sea Bright, N.J. Look to bring it to light without it escalating any further. Timing is everything and so is your approach, understanding and honesty. It's better to close issues quickly before they get any worse. A lot of times they are misunderstandings.


	Mary, 51, Seattle, Wash. I like to talk about what's bothering me, but find it's sometimes best to wait until the churned up emotions of the moment have subsided. Being outdoors, weather permitting, it's easy to calm down and put things in perspective while looking at some wonderful facet of nature.


	Nancy, 49, Scottsdale, Ariz. I rarely have to argue with anyone because when I sense a problem, I'm able to diffuse it. Many times, the reason for arguing has little to do with the topic. I once dated someone who became short-tempered when his blood sugar was low. The solution was easy. All I had to do was feed him.


	Lei, 40, Broomfield, Colo. If I date someone long enough, I would handle the argument the same as I argue with one of my family members or my close friends, otherwise I try to side step the argument.


	Eileen, 39, Mount Angel, Ore. For some reason, conservative Republican males seem to be attracted to me! When "arguments" arise, it's because they're trying to convince me of their viewpoints. Mine are hard to categorize. I love to hear what these darlings believe and why, but I'm not looking for conversion! I enjoy their passion, however if it goes on too long, I tell them I understand where they're coming from and try to focus on things we have in common! It's not a deal-breaker, but it's a big red flag indicating he might just be control freak. That would be a deal-breaker!


	Kerry, 32, New York, N.Y. Most issues should just be addressed up front with honesty and empathy. You hope, you have gained a high level of trust and respect for one another so that you can openly discuss it without making it personal. If it's a heated issue you have to be a bit more careful about how you address it. For instance, when it's a heated issue it's better to address it privately when others aren't around. It's also important to remember that there is more than just your perspective, your mate's opinions and perspectives are equally important.


	Pat, 35, Brandon, Fla. I try to avoid arguments all the way around. I'm the type of person who, if there is a conflict, wants to talk about it and resolve the issue ASAP and not let it fester and become bigger than it should.


	Diane, 53, Las Vegas, Nev. If it's with a guy who I feel I do not have a future with, I'll change the subject and keep the peace. However, if it's with a guy who I feel there might be a future with, then I'll discuss our difference of opinion because I would hope that both of us would be interested in what each other had to say. This is what makes life interesting. If everyone agreed with one another on everything, what a boring place this would be.


	Michael, 45, Sacramento, Calif. Most of the time I'll try to avoid an all-out argument. If the person is adamant about a particular subject, I would just (dis)agree and move on or change the subject entirely. It would also depend on the person I'm with.


	Rick, 50, Parker, Colo. I don't argue and don't like being around anyone who does. So, when it has happened, I just say that we both believe strongly in our belief and try to end it with respect for the other's belief. However when that has happened, I haven't seen her again!


	Cindy, 30, Miami, Fla. I am not one to shy away from drama. I have often been labeled as argumentative and confrontational. When in fact, although blunt, and honest to a fault, I seldom initiate an argument.


	Jane, 25, Vancouver, B.C. Well, it depends on how long I've been dating the guy. If it's only been a couple of dates, than I just stop seeing him. I mean, really! If I already want to argue with him on date number two, it's a red flag. If I've been dating him for a while, than bring it on. I think avoiding an argument is a bad call. It's a great way to get to know each other better. And, of course, there's always the making-up.


	Robert, 52, Mill Valley, Calif. I try to remain calm and look deeply into her eyes while explaining that I feel we are broaching a potentially volatile, emotional topic likely to cause upset. I suggest we close our eyes for a moment and take a deep breath. Then I quickly get in a good sucker punch.


	Ed, 40, Yarmouth, Iowa That depends on what it's about, if it's something relatively unimportant to me, I'll let it go. If it's something I'm passionate about, I may see it through, but if it can't be discussed with civility I'm not interested in hurting feelings or anything of that nature.


	Frank, 25, Brandon, Fla. Someone gave me some great advice when I was younger, "pick my battles." It would definitely apply that in this situation. If I feel an argument coming on, I'll ask myself, is it something really worth fighting for? If it is, than I will have at it, if it is not, I will drop it.


	Beth, 30, San Antonio, Texas I usually try to talk it out before I get really angry. It's much better to discuss something before your blood starts boiling. I don't like to ignore things because they usually just build up and the situation becomes worse than if you had discussed it in the beginning.


	Ann, 24, Pelham, Ala. Sometimes arguments can be a line of communication! I just don't let it get out of hand to the point of saying regretful or hurtful things. A heated discussion is one thing, fighting is another! If I'm dating someone I'd like to know where he stands on certain topics whether they are moral, spiritual, or political. Heated discussions let you know what a man is passionate about!


	Sharena, 34, Placentia, Calif. It depends on what the argument is about. If it's about Mexican or Italian food tonight, then I don't put much thought into it -- except how I'm going to win. If it is an important issue then I try not to let it evolve in the first place. I am an idealist who mediates disputes and likes harmony. However "there is such a thing as healthy conflict as long as you both play fair."


	Mike, 42, Virginia Beach, Va. It depends on what the argument is about, I guess. There's nothing wrong with a good argument, however sometimes it's best to just ride out the storm. Never get too personal or accusatory and never, ever lecture.


	David, 29, Hampton, Va. Arguments are encouraged at times to see what she really believes and will fight for. Sometimes I don't agree, I learn to respect. If she is willing to fight for what she feels is right than she will fight to keep us together. I find willingness to fight for a good reason sexy! It also means the world to me.


	Christina,33, Albany, N.Y. I try to see if it is something with my day or if there truly is a problem. If there is an issue with someone I am dating, I talk to him about it. Honesty and communication is vital in a relationship.


	Cindy, 49, Juno Beach, Fla. Get quite, ignore them, or excuse myself and go to the ladies' room. Definitely do not give them ammunition or fuel to add to the fire.


	Arnold, 57, Fair Oaks, Calif. So far I haven't known anyone on Yahoo! Personals long enough to argue. I prefer non-confrontation and try to deflect the argumentative tone or comment to another subject or I just don't pick up on it. Perhaps when I date someone longer we will be needed to clear the air by discussing how we are feeling and why -- without raising our voices or saying things for which we will be sorry later.


	Missy, 24, Watertown, N.Y. Well, I guess it's bad, but I usually egg them on. I'm a very argumentative person and I always have to be right. I don't back down from confrontations. Actually I just fuel the fire.


	Matilda, 41, Jonesboro, Ga. It depends on the subject. If it's a topic I feel passionate about, I will patiently try to explain my perspective. If he is too brilliant to listen, I'll go for the jugular. If it's something that's stupid and petty, I quietly tune them out until I can get away. Then I won't bother with them again.


	Cathy, 46, Moorpark, Calif. Communicate, communicate, communicate and allow myself to listen and be calm in explaining myself. Most of all I try my best not to be defensive.


	Steven, 35, Franklin Square, N.Y. If ever there was to be an argument, I don't allow it to be discussed in public. I like to be diplomatic about it.

Got dating questions?

We know people who have answers. Submit your dating questions here.

Back to Dating & Relationships